Page 31

Chapter 31

Jay

S witching to her first name sounded weird, but it felt right. I no longer needed, or wanted, to keep her at arm’s length. She didn’t correct me, so I assumed it was okay to keep using it.

The game of twenty questions continued when she asked, “Why do you think you’re, and I quote, the expendable Shepherd?”

I barely remembered saying it, but apparently she not only heard it, she’d latched onto it.

“I’m a mistake,” I whispered.

“Who told you that?” Her voice was well above a whisper.

“My brothers, and my parents admitted it.” I lowered my voice, reminding her to keep hers down.

“Did they use those words?” she asked .

“My brothers did.” Repeatedly. “My parents said I was unplanned.” I used air quotes to emphasize unplanned, not that it mattered, she could barely see me.

“Unplanned doesn’t mean unwanted.”

It was a simple statement. Similar to the one my parents made the one and only time I asked about it. They’d been emotional, defensive, and wanted to know were I got the idea.

I never told them, knowing my brothers would make my life a living hell. Not that my parents didn’t suspect, but they couldn’t act on assumptions.

Somehow, my parents’ emotional defense hadn’t rung as true as Maxwell’s blunt statement. Maybe it was because I was six the only time I asked.

“I know.” I said it more to get her off my back than anything else.

“But do you believe it?” she asked, refusing to let it go.

Sort of . “I’ve never felt close to my parents.” Probably because it seemed like they heaped praise on my siblings and scolded me. “And even less so with my brothers.” I knew they loved me, but I never felt like I fit in. “I’m not like any of them. They’re all so smart, did well in school, and they stayed out of trouble.” I was the rebellious kid who was easily bored and rarely did his homework.

“You know you don’t have to be like them, right? Jaime and Jack are different and they get along great. You bring your own unique gifts to your family, to the team, you just have to let others see them. ”

I took a second to really let her words sink in, before I could respond, she said, “From what I've heard, Jack got in his fair share of trouble and hated being compared to Jamie because he felt like he didn’t measure up.”

My head snapped up. How the hell did she know that? She’d only been with SSI a few months; I’d been a Sheppard my whole life and had no idea.

“They seemed so close.” It felt like Catelyn had opened my eyes, helping me accept what I’d known but refused to see.

With her help, what my parents had been telling me my whole life finally sank in. It wasn’t that I hadn’t heard them; I just never believed them. I’d convinced myself they expected me to be like my brothers, no matter what they said.

Catelyn made a harrumph noise, sounding a lot like she didn’t believe me, but she changed the subject. “I understand you feel like the black sheep, but that doesn’t really explain your lack of trust. So tell me, Sheppard, how does a MARSOC team guy become a lone wolf in his family’s business?”

Aiming below the belt, she went for the kill shot. Not that she knew it.

I was a team player, and the man I saw in the mirror was nothing like the brat who left for Parris Island. My current ‘lone wolf’ attitude had very little to do with my family and everything to do with Sara and Henderson.

I didn’t want to tell her about Sara, because thinking about her always sent me spiraling into heartbreak, and rage fueled frenzy. But as she asked more questions, no doubt using her fancy psychology degree to break down my walls, I found myself opening up .

So for the first time since it happened, I told someone.

“Did you know I was supposed to backpack around the country before starting at SSI?”

“Yeah, your father mentioned it.”

“Well, I was supposed to go with my girlfriend and some guys from my unit. Sara and I had been dating over a year; she was the first woman I ever felt serious about.”

“What happened?” she asked after my pause lasted too long.

“A teammate got injured and came home early. Sara lived near base, so I asked her to visit him once in awhile so he wouldn’t feel lonely. Which she did. A lot.” I paused before forcing the words out. “She cheated on me.”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Catelyn asked, much louder than a whisper.

“Just before I returned stateside, she emailed to tell me she’d fallen in love with someone else.”

“I’m so sorry, Jaden.” She placed a gentle hand on my forearm.

It was the first time she called me Jaden without my brothers around, when it was too confusing to call me Sheppard.

I like how it sounds .

“How close were you to your teammate?”

Close enough that his betrayal hurt more than hers.

“It was Henderson.” Getting a “Dear John” letter wasn’t unusual for deployed Marines, but getting one because your best friend was fucking your girlfriend was.

“The same Henderson you were captured with?” I heard the disbelief in her voice .

“One and the same.”

“Damn, I’m so sorry.”

“Yeah. He was my team buddy and my best friend. The man who’d watched my six when we were in the deepest pits of hell slept with my girlfriend.” Catelyn Maxwell now knew more than any member of my family. Thought I still hadn’t told her I’d planned on proposing to Sara during the trip.

“I can see why you have trust issues.”

“Yeah.” What else could I say?

I could practically hear her gears turning as she processed the information.

“But with your family?” Another sucker punch to the gut.

“To some degree. I’m the mistake, remember?” My laugh lacked humor. I didn’t believe it anymore, mostly, but it’d take some time getting used to.

Her weak slap reminded me just how much she’d suffered over the last few days.

Yet here she is, comforting me when I should be comforting her.

I felt like a failure all over again.

I should be protecting her. But Roman had devised a way to make sure I couldn’t. Forcing me to stand down, helpless and useless, by threatening to shoot Maxwell if I stepped out of line.

“You know they love you, and no one thinks you’re expendable.” Her statement brought me back to the conversation.

”Logically I know that, but it feels like nothing’s changed. They still think of me as their bratty little brother. ”

Not that I was doing anything to dispel them of that opinion.

I’m not behaving like the man I know I am .

“I won’t tell you I know what it’s like because I don’t. As an only child there was no one around to tease me. But I do know what it’s like to feel like you don’t fit in or you’re not good enough.”

I still found it hard to believe she’d ever felt that way. She excelled at everything she did.

“I assumed you got along great with your dad.”

“We get along, but we’re not as close as I’d like. I love and respect him, and I’ve spent my whole life trying to earn his love and respect. He’s the reason I joined the Marines, earned my advanced degree, and became an officer.”

“You didn’t want to be a Marine?”

“I probably would have done four years and moved on if I hadn’t been worried about disappointing him. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t regret my choices, but I’m not sure I would’ve made the same ones if I hadn’t been trying to win his affection.” Her voice had taken on a somber tone.

That sucked. I might feel like the black sheep of my perfect family, but they supported me and my choices.

“I’m sure he’s proud of you, everything you’ve accomplished.” How could he not be? Maxwell’s resume was impressive. She’s impressive .

“I’m not so sure. He was disappointed I left the FBI to join the private sector.”

“Does he know why you left? ”

“Hell, no. No way was I telling him I made a huge mistake by sleeping with the wrong co-worker and got myself chased out with my tail between my legs.”

By this time neither of us was whispering, which explained why the alarm and strobe hadn’t come back on. Roman was probably enjoying the show .

And taking notes so he could exploit our weaknesses.

“I don’t think that’s an accurate description,” I joked to lighten the mood. “What made you choose SSI?”

“I was impressed with the team when Jones and I came down to help find Chase.”

I’d never met Jones, so I asked her to explain.

“Jones was my supervisor, and the only person I’d talked to about Gavin. When he saw that SSI was hiring he sent me the link. He also wrote me a glowing recommendation.”

“But you don’t really trust them, do you?”

“Professionally, yes, I trust them to have my back.”

“But not personally.” I said. She wasn’t the only one who could hear what wasn’t said.

“No, not on a personal level. I want to, but anytime I think I can, my brain calls up the memories of Gavin and reminds me to be keep my distance. So I’m cautious about what I say, and how close I get.”

We weren’t so different.

“That’s why you seem so uptight.” This time I expected her slap.

But not the laugh.

“I’m not uptight. I keep a professional distance and I have OCD tendencies. which stem from trying to be perfect to win my father’s affection.”

Her clinical answer rolled off her tongue, sounding like she’d had to defend herself before. To assholes like me .

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said anything.”

“It’s okay. Unlike a lot of people, I understand why I’m the way I am. And I’m not as bad as I used to be, so there’s hope for me yet.”

I laughed, and before long she joined in.

The laughter changed from sad to hysterical as we realized why we irritated each other so much.

We were more alike than we’d ever realized.

“We make a hell of a team don’t we? You over-achieve to win your father’s approval. And I act like an idiot to meet my family’s expectations.”

“Yeah. Even when our parents do their best, sometimes they get it wrong and we end up all fucked up because of it.”

She’d been sitting on the cold concrete too long so when she got up to stretch her legs, they barely supported her. Cursing at myself for not putting her back on my lap, I got up and offered her my arm. As I escorted her around the room, I wondered if the cameras had infrared lenses? Given Roman’s preparedness, I had to assume they did.

When Roman saw this, he’d use our friendship, if you could call it that, against us.

Not that I’d stop helping her.

As we walked, I formed a plan to make sure they took me the next time they came down .

“You ready to sit?” I asked when her pace lagged.

“Yes, thanks.”

When we sat, I pulled her onto my lap. As expected, she resisted but I convinced her it was to keep us both warm. In reality, it was because I felt compelled to hold and comfort her. And keep her off the cold concrete floor.

Uncomfortable in the silence, I started singing again.

“You’re not so bad, Jay.” She used the shortened version of my name, bringing us closer still.

“Close your eyes and rest, Cate.” It only seemed right to return the favor.

I didn’t expect her name to feel so perfect on my lips.