Page 75 of Blood Ties

And a memory hits me like a sack of bricks.

*

IWAKE UP TO DARKNESS, the sound of rain, and a soft hand against my cheek. I blink until my eyes adjust enough for me to make out the silhouette of Momma leaning over me. She presses her finger to her lips, and I nod. I know this game, the one where we have to be quiet. So I keep my mouth shut as she lifts me out of bed and into her arms.

The house is quiet around us as Momma carries me down the ladder. She pauses in the kitchen to listen, but there’s nothing to hear but the rain.

I don’t make a peep as she descends the stairs, tip-toes through the living room, and unlocks the front door. But when she steps onto the porch I frown, small hands fisting in her shirt as I squint at the downpour beyond the house.

“Momma? Where are we going?”

“We’re going on a trip, baby,” she says, pressing a quick kiss to the top of my head.

A trip? It sounds scary. I’ve never left the farm before. “Where?”

“Somewhere good, I promise. You’re going to like it.”

“But... but...” I peer up at her, trying to understand. “What about...”

“Momma?”

She goes rigid. After a moment she turns, slowly, to see Knox standing in the open doorway, barefoot in his ratty pajamas.

Momma lets out a long, slow breath. There’s a weird look on her face. “Hi, baby,” she whispers.

His frown only deepens. “Where are you going?”

She takes another breath, and sinks down to one knee so she can look him in the eye. “I’m taking your brother on a trip, Knox.”

He blinks at her. “A trip... outside?”

He’s the one who always talks about wanting to go outside. He shows me pictures of trees and mountains and something called the ocean. He says one day we’re going to see it together.

“That’s right,” Momma says.

“Can I come?”

She hesitates. Worries her lip between her teeth before saying, very quietly, “No, baby. Not this time. I’m sorry.”

His eyes go wide and shiny. “But why?” His lower lip wobbles. “Is it because I threw the book this morning? I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it...”

“No, sweetie, you haven’t done anything wrong.” Her voice falters. “But... but you’re too... I’m not s-strong enough to carry—” Momma’s voice gets shaky in a way that’s even more confusing than her words, and she presses the back of her hand to her mouth for a second. “You’ve always been my brave boy. I’m going to come back to get you very soon. Okay? I promise.”

Knox gazes at her. He must be angry, I think. He’s always wanted to leave the farm so badly. He must be so jealous that I’ll get to see it first. His face turns red, and I know he’s going to scream and yell and throw things like he does when he gets really mad.

But instead he gulps like he’s choking something down, and nods. “Okay, Momma.”

She smiles. I can feel her trembling. “That’s my good boy.”

I don’t understand. I stare at Knox as Momma kisses him on the cheek and stands up. I turn to keep looking over her shoulder, so only I see when tears start to fall down his cheeks.

It feels bad. It feels wrong, makes my stomach hurt.

“No,” I say, tugging at Momma’s shirt. “I don’t want to go.”

“Hey, hey, don’t say that. You’re going to like it, I promise.”

I shake my head, tears welling up in my own eyes as I think again of Knox watching us go. “I don’t want to. I want Knox to come! I don’t want to go without him!”