Page 37 of Blood Ties

Kai

M onster. I’m a monster .

My brain won’t shut up. I throw myself into my chores, spending all day out on the farm, working until my hands are raw and my body is shaking. I’ve barely managed to eat anything since what happened with those girls. But hunger and working myself to exhaustion aren’t enough.

I can’t stop the thought from circling ‘round and ‘round in my head. Can’t stop myself from seeing that terrified look on Riley’s face when she stared up at me like she didn’t recognize me.

The way she flinched, covered herself like she thought I would hurt her.

Hurt her like I did that girl on the kitchen floor.

The images blend together in my mind. Riley’s terrified face. The woman with blood spurting from her throat. Riley whispering my name, those girl’s dying gurgles. Knox telling me to pick up the knife, holding Riley on the kitchen floor while I slit her throat—

Fuck. Fuck . There’s only one way to quiet my mind. I told Riley I wouldn’t, but — but she lied first. She said I could trust her, and she lied.

Knox tried to warn me. He said she’d lie. Was any of it true? Or did she fake it all, just like my brother said she would?

The sun is setting as I trudge back toward the house. It paints everything in red, like blood and fire are all around me.

My hands shake as I grab the cigarettes and lighter from my room. I don’t even bother taking a drag of the cigarette after I light it. I just yank my shirt up and press the burning end into my scarred-up stomach.

I bite back a groan as the cigarette slips from my fingers.

The pain is good, it’s distracting, but it’s not enough.

My mind is still full of blood. I light another with a shaky inhale, press it right on top of the still-throbbing burn.

Pain flares, bright and blinding enough to clear my mind for a precious few moments.

But when it fades away, I’m left panting and craving more.

It wasn’t enough of a release. Wasn’t enough of a punishment for what I’ve done this time.

I look at the lighter, flick it on. Suck in a deep breath and lower my free hand until my palm touches the flame.

It takes a second for the pain to kick in.

But when it does— oh, God, yes. That’s what I need.

Pain so hot I can’t think of anything else.

Tender skin sizzling, tears in my eyes, mouth filling with the taste of copper as I bite my cheek to keep from crying out.

My fingers shake but I force myself to hold steady. More, more, I need it to hurt more —

“What the fuck are you doing?”

Shit. I didn’t even hear Knox coming. He slaps the lighter out of my hand, sending it clattering to the porch.

I swear, bending down to retrieve it, but it slips between two of the boards and falls somewhere beneath the house.

I clench my burnt hand into a fist and slam my knuckles against the wood. It hurts like hell, so I do it again.

“Seriously, Kai, what the fuck ?”

Knox grabs me by the front of my shirt and hauls me to my feet.

I stare at him, vision blurred, belatedly realizing that there are tears pouring down my face.

I belatedly register the black bruising around his eye, the dried blood where his lip split open.

He took the fall for those girls just like he said he would.

Even though it was my fault. All my fault. My fault Riley was in the basement in the first place, my fault she screamed, my fingers gripping the knife, my hands covered in blood—

Knox shakes me. “Get it together.”

I slap him across the face. His face goes slack in shock. Before he can recover, I form a fist and hit him again, harder. Then again, slamming my knuckles right into his already-bruised cheekbone.

“Fuck you,” I hear myself saying, as if from a distance away. “Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you —”

Why isn’t he hitting me back? I want him to, but instead he just stands there and takes it. He lets me keep hitting him until I stop, chest heaving for air, choking on tears. Then he lunges at me.

I expect him to pummel me. To beat me so bad I’ll be limping for a week. But instead he wraps his arms around me, pinning both arms to my sides and squeezing hard. It’s too rough to be called a hug, but it’s probably the closest I’ve ever gotten.

“I’ve got you,” he murmurs into my ear.

I struggle against him, spitting curses, trying to get free so I can swing again.

But he only grips me tighter, holds me closer, and all of a sudden I’m sobbing.

I press my face into his shoulder, getting tears and snot all over his leather jacket, crying so hard I can’t breathe.

I sag against him, but he holds me up. His grip on me loosens ‘till it’s almost comfortable.

“I know,” he says. “I know.”

When I lean into him, he releases my arms and slaps me on the back.

“Breathe,” he tells me.

It takes me a while to figure out how again. But finally the racking, painful sobs subside, leaving me trembling and sucking in shaky little gasps. When I finally manage to take a deep breath, Knox pulls back and looks me in the eyes.

“Everything I do, I do it for you, you know that?” he asks, searching my face. “To make you stronger. To keep you safe. I’ve got you, Kai. Like no one else ever will.”

His hand cups my cheek. Slaps against my skin three times, each one a little harder, till I’m not sure if he’s trying to comfort me or hurt me.

“Now get your shit together,” he says. “Dad can’t see you like this.”