Page 29 of Blood Ties

Kai

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A S I GO THROUGH THE motions of my daily chores, I daydream about killing my family.

I imagine grabbing a knife at night and moving from room to room, slitting their throats one by one. Uncle Frank, Dad, Knox. Dead before they have a chance to fight back. I could kill them all and let Riley go.

She’ll go straight to the cops and turn me in as their accomplice, I’m sure. But if I really cared about her, I wouldn’t care, right? If I was a halfway decent person, I’d slit my own throat, too. Add myself to the pile of bodies.

But then... Momma would be left behind. Who will care for her, if I’m gone?

And there are so many ways the plan could go wrong. If Dad wakes up, or if Uncle Frank doesn’t die right away, or if Knox anticipates me coming for him... any of them could kill me in a straight-up fight, and then Riley would be left at their mercy.

It might be doable if I had a gun. But only Dad and Frank have access to the firearms. Not even Knox is allowed to touch them.

And even if I had the opportunity, could I really do it? Kill my whole family and sacrifice myself for a girl I’ve only known for a handful of weeks?

Once I’m done with the scrapyard, and the animals, and the cooking and cleaning, I sneak up to the attic to see Momma.

Maybe I shouldn’t have to sneak, it’s not like I’m not allowed to be here exactly, but.

.. I’m sure Dad would find something else to keep me busy if he thought I had too much free time.

“I don’t know what to do, Momma,” I sigh, spooning leftover broth into her mouth, salvaged from the bottom of the pot of deer stew.

My stomach twists with guilt knowing that I saved meat and potatoes for Riley, and only this thin broth for Momma, yet.

.. it’s not like she could really eat it.

She can barely manage this. “I really like this girl, but...” Most of the broth just drips down over her chin again.

I dab at her with a napkin. “Family is family. Right?”

Momma looks even worse than last time I was up here.

Her skin is too thin, stretched too tightly over the bones of her face.

I’m half-afraid my touch will break her.

She just stares out the window, as silent as always, her eyes vacant.

Sometimes I envy her for that — for finding a way to escape.

I sigh, setting the bowl on my lap, and stare out the window alongside her, trying to imagine what she sees.

The sad truth is that I don’t even know what to imagine.

I’ve barely left the property, except on rare occasions when Dad drags me out hunting, or Knox asks me to ride with him into town.

I wouldn’t know what the fuck to do with myself out there.

I don’t know how to talk to people. I don’t even know how to drive.

I’ve never been to school, never had a job besides the ones my Dad gives me.

I have no money, no skills. Nothing. I’m a waste of fucking space.

So even in my wildest fantasies, in which Riley falls in love with me and we run away to make a life together... I can’t see it. I can’t envision what that life would look like, out there.

I don’t know any other life but this.

And I can’t shake off the words Dad told me on the hunting trip, the truth he reminded me of: I’m one of them, in the end. This is where I belong.

*

I KNOW KNOX WAS DOWN in the basement today. I’m scared of facing it. Facing her. But it’s not fair to Riley to avoid her because of my own guilt. So at night, once the house is quiet and I’m sure Knox is up in his room, I head down to the basement with some food and water.

I stop short at the bottom of the stairs.

Riley’s backpack is upturned on the floor, her stuff scattered all over the concrete.

Makeup ground into powder, books overturned with pages ripped out, clothes everywhere.

Everything out of reach of where she sits on the mattress, looking very small and alone with her arms wrapped around her knees.

Her head rests on top of them, her hair falling forward to obscure her face.

She doesn’t even look up as I approach. There’s a defeated slump to her shoulders that I haven’t seen since those early days when she refused to eat.

A lump forms in my throat as realization strikes: Knox came here, just like he promised, and he did something even worse than I thought.