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SHADOWS

MILA

There are few places as unsettling as Montgomery Psychiatric Ward.

Even the carnival, with all my bad memories, pales in comparison to the stale scent of bleach that floods my nose when I step through the doors of Montgomery.

An unnerving hum rattles through the vents like spirits are trapped within the walls, trying to get out.

I walk at Patience’s side to the far wing, where Alex’s room is, and try to ignore them.

Maybe coming here was a bad idea.

I doubt Alex wants his younger sister’s best friend tagging along to see him. The few times I’ve been here, he ignored my presence entirely. Which, I guess, shouldn’t surprise me when he barely acknowledged his sister either.

We pass a main sitting room, and a woman sitting in the corner won’t take her eyes off me. Her bleached brows furrow, and there’s a hint of a glare in her green eyes. Like she doesn’t want me here. Or she senses how fucked-up I am .

My stomach knots as the air conditioner kicks on in an already cold room.

I rub the goose bumps on my arms and try to picture how Teal lived here for a few months as a teenager.

Or how Alex lives here now. I can’t imagine finding peace in a hospital that doesn’t have so much as a splash of color on the walls.

The final corridor to Alex’s room is quiet. Most of the doors are open, but I avoid looking inside because it feels like an invasion of privacy. It’s not until we reach Alex’s doorway at the end that I lift my gaze from the gray floor tiles.

While every other room smells like bleach, his smells distinctly like him. Like essential oils and citrus. It’s a warm and inviting scent. How I’d imagine home to smell if it were something more than carnival tents, pop-up trailers, and dorm rooms.

Since the first time I visited Alex, I’ve sometimes woken up to that scent lingering in my nose. Hanging in the air of my bedroom. My imagination taunts me with the comfort I’ve never known, and it’s enough that I actively avoided coming here after the first visit.

While most people are scared of Alex Lancaster and the rumors that surround him, I’m more drawn to him than anything. Curious what it’s like to be the product of other people’s mess and to have to live with it.

Patience freezes in the doorway to his room, and I almost run into her.

“Teal?” Her back stiffens, and Teal jumps up from where she’s sitting on the couch across from Alex’s bed.

It’s not unusual to find Teal here when her therapist operates out of this building, and she’s known Alex and Patience since they were kids.

But with how quiet Teal has been lately, and the growing tension between her and Patience over Declan, I’m not surprised that her smile is more uneasy than friendly as she approaches us.

“Hey.” Teal tugs her purse over her shoulder. “I had an appointment. Hope you don’t mind.”

“It’s fine.” Patience’s eyebrows pull, and her tone doesn’t match her words.

Clearly, my attempt to encourage peace between Patience and Teal at the carnival failed. And even if it had worked, last night was bound to throw things off kilter again when Teal disappeared with Declan at a Sigma Sin party.

Teal’s smile thins. “Well, I should get going.”

“Wait.” Patience stops her, the tension thick between them.

I brush past to give them some space. “I’ll wait in here.”

Neither of them seems to hear me as they step into the hallway to talk.

I’m grumbling as I make my way into Alex’s room.

Too distracted by the constant battle between my roommates to realize I’ve made a huge mistake.

Every other time I’ve visited Montgomery, Patience acted as a barrier.

But when I freeze in the middle of the room and spot Alex sitting on the bed, I’m very aware that we’re completely alone.

He doesn’t look up, but there’s a current of awareness that ripples out of him.

Anxiety swells with the pressure thick in the air.

Without Patience here to ramble through the silence, I hear every scratch of his pencil on the page of his journal.

Every click of the air conditioning working through the vents.

Alex is wearing his usual gray sweatpants and a white T-shirt, looking as good as ever. His dirty-blond hair waves over his forehead. Sometimes his golden strands appear darker. But with the sun streaming through his windows, the sunny day draws out every highlight.

He doesn’t acknowledge me as I unfreeze my legs and step deeper into the room, taking a seat at the cushioned bench that lines the far window. He continues writing in his journal, lost in his own world.

Patience told me that Alex used to sketch and write when he was younger, but that it’s one more thing Sigma House snuffed out in him. It must be a good thing if he’s back at it.

On Alex’s right is a tray of untouched food. Half the items are gray and don’t look edible, which explains why he hasn’t bothered to eat them.

A steady knocking sound comes from the wall behind his bed.

Knock.

Knock. Knock.

Knock.

Knock. Knock.

It’s endless and unnerving.

“What’s going on over there?” I ask, mostly to myself, eyeing the wall behind him as the knocking continues. “As if there aren’t enough reasons for this place to drive a person out of their mind.”

Alex’s pencil pauses on his page at my comment, and my heart stops.

Did I really just say that out loud?

Alex angles his chin up ever so slightly, and his gaze is a lightning strike to the heart when it catches mine. It alters my core. Turns sand to glass and ricochets off every nerve ending.

He looks at me .

No— look isn’t a big enough word when his gaze consumes the oxygen in my lungs.

I’ve never seen Alex look at anything more than a wall or a book or his sister. But he’s looking at me right now.

His eyes are hazel, like I’ve seen in the many photos Patience keeps around our dorm room.

But no lens captures his exact shade of green with an undercurrent of gold.

Rivers of color that sway and shift with the sunlight streaking through the window.

Colors that twist and twine together like the fabric of a tapestry.

Such rich color, overwhelmed by the darkness that brews beneath.

It’s haunting.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean what I said. That was thoughtless.” I fidget with my dark hair, pulling it into a ponytail. “You aren’t crazy or anything. Not that it would matter if you were. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not judging. Just saying that knocking is… annoying.”

I swear his expression almost cracks. Or maybe it’s my imagination because his mouth hasn’t flinched.

God, he’s beautiful. Photos don’t do him justice.

One look and I can see why his social media accounts from before the incident show him constantly surrounded by women. His stare is intoxicating.

I wait for him to break my gaze. To set me free.

I wait for him to do anything other than watch me, but he holds my stare until Patience’s phone rings from the doorway.

As quickly as I had his attention, it disappears, and his eyes drop back to his journal.

It’s a setting sun after the longest day. Painting the sky in the most beautiful reds and oranges and then bathing all light with darkness. Suddenly, I’m left in a world that’s colder.

Darker.

Empty again.

I bite my lower lip, glancing at the doorway, where Patience is even more irritated now that she’s on the phone than she was when she was talking to Teal. Any hints of the girl I saw smile at the carnival are gone.

“I swear your sister is going to have an ulcer by the time she’s thirty.” I shake my head, turning my attention back to Alex, who doesn’t look at me again. “Either that or she’ll be running a small country. I love her, but she’s a little terrifying.”

I swear the corner of his mouth ticks. But it could just be the shadows shifting through the blinds.

“I can’t handle them.” Patience storms into the room, shoving her phone into her purse.

“Who?”

“My parents. They act like my leaving for the summer is the end of the world. They’re lucky I didn’t go to college across the country.”

“I didn’t realize they were upset about the internship.” My eyebrows pinch. “Isn’t Professor Gray a big deal in criminal studies or whatever?”

“Criminal psychology,” she corrects me. “And yes, he is. But they don’t care about that. Anything that takes me one foot outside their precious town without them has them on edge. They’re trying to sabotage my trip.”

“So fight back.” I shrug. “It’s your life, Patience. And you earned your spot in that internship.”

“Try telling them that.”

“Take me to them, and I will. ”

Her smile falls, and it takes me a moment to realize why the room is suddenly so silent. Alex has stopped writing again, and even if he’s not looking at me, his gaze has moved out the window. Patience must notice as well since she glances at him.

“You don’t want to meet them. Trust me.”

I roll my eyes. “They can’t be that terrible. Or, at least, no worse than mine. You saw the environment I grew up in. Now just imagine my parents being there, parading me around like a carnival act. Trust me, if I could handle that, then I can handle your parents.”

“It’s definitely unconventional,” Patience agrees, turning to Alex. “Did I tell you Mila grew up with a traveling carnival? I didn’t even know those things existed anymore. It’s wild.”

She always talks to her brother like at any second he might respond to her. It confused me when I first came here, but I’m slowly starting to understand it. While the rest of the town sees him as a warning or something to fear, she simply sees him as Alex.

Her brother.

Someone she loves and trusts. And I don’t doubt she hopes someday that person she grew up with will return to her.

“If you liked the carnival today, we should go back at night.” I brush my fingers over the navy cushion under me.

“I thought you said I could only drag you there once.”

“Being there reminded me that it’s not all terrible.” I shrug. “Especially without my parents lurking around every corner.”

While I have a love-hate relationship with being forced to work the carnival growing up, there were parts of it I enjoyed. The rides. The friends I made. The lessons it taught me in reading people .

After a little distance, I’m reminded it wasn’t all bad.

“Is the carnival better at night?” Patience asks.

“It’s different. Just don’t go in the haunted maze alone.” She can barely handle a scary movie, so I doubt a maze with jump scares would be a good idea. “You’ll see.”

“Okay, but I need to study tonight. Would tomorrow work?”

“Yeah. Marco wants to meet up and talk tonight anyway.” I throw up air quotes.

“So blow him off.”

I’m tempted. The last thing I’m in the mood for is a conversation with my cheating, lying asshole ex-boyfriend. But after he was especially difficult at the Sigma Sin party last night, we need to set some ground rules for our breakup.

“It’s fine.” I brush my ponytail off my shoulder. “He can talk, and I’ll listen. It’s not like we’re getting back together.”

“Be careful, Mila. You’ve forgiven him once before.”

“And I learned my lesson. I’ll be fine.”

My hand rests over the familiar bump at my thigh where the knife is strapped to my leg. I’ve dealt with worse men than Marco. I’m not letting him get to me.

My neck prickles, and I look over to see Alex watching me again. Except this time, his gaze is on my hand like he senses the dagger hidden underneath. Just because he doesn’t talk doesn’t mean he isn’t observing everything around him.

I pull my hand away, and his attention returns to his journal.

“Whatever you say.” Patience rolls her eyes, walking over to Alex with a book in her hand. “Dad asked me to bring you this. ”

He doesn’t acknowledge it as she sets the book on his nightstand, replacing the one that was sitting there.

“I’ll try to come see you tomorrow after class. But if not, then the next day.” Her gaze flicks to his full tray of food. “I’ll bring you some better food, but you need to eat something in the meantime.”

He doesn’t acknowledge her or stop writing.

“Alex, please.”

She wraps her arms around her stomach. Her fingers rub over her elbow, which is covered by her long-sleeve shirt. At that small movement, Alex finally looks up at her, and even if he doesn’t say anything, he nods once.

“Thank you.” Patience clears her throat, avoiding my gaze when she turns to me. “Let’s get back to the dorm.”

Without waiting for me to respond, she turns to leave the room. Probably hoping I don’t notice how her voice wobbled at the end. Or how the sun revealed the glassy sheen coating her eyes.

I’m about to follow her when I pause at the end of Alex’s bed, surprised that he dares to meet my gaze a final time.

Green and gold rivers swim within his eyes. So many secrets that I don’t know if he can keep track of them. An ocean summoning me below the surface.

“Ketchup.” I tilt my chin to the untouched tray of food. “It makes everything edible.”

It’s a stupid thing to say, but it feels better than saying nothing at all. And I swear it’s not the shadows that shift his expression as he watches me turn to leave.