Page 75 of As The Shifter World Turns

75

CAN’T SLEEP. WON’T SLEEP.

Ivor

The rocking chair creaked as I rocked Dyani back and forth. She wasn’t crying or in pain. Her diaper had been changed and she’d been burped. But her eyes were wide open and she was squirmy. Why aren’t you sleeping, little one?

Ryder walked into the nursery—or stumbled would be a better word. “I’ll take over, love. You go back to bed.”

And much as my body craved sleep, I shook my head so he brought me peppermint tea and then he lay on the daybed. I was the omega, the one who’d had our daughter inside me for nine months. If anyone was supposed to sooth her, feed her, and calm her, it should be me. I was failing at fatherhood.

“What’s wrong with me?”

Ryder didn’t answer immediately and I envied him his ability to fall asleep in an instant. But at the same time, it was annoying that I was the one awake, and he’d left me alone with a baby who had no interest in sleeping.

My wolf wasn’t much help. He thought a run in the middle of the night was a cure-all for my tiredness and irritability. That would require me handing the baby over to my mate and leaving her for a couple of hours. Not that Ryder wasn’t a doting dad. He was. But he had to go to work five days a week and damnit, I was the omega. Why didn’t I know how to do this? Wasn’t it instinctive for people after giving birth?

Dyani had lost weight initially in the hospital, though that was quite common for any newborn, but I was constantly worried that she wasn’t feeding enough. Having her be in the NICU was terrifying, I didn’t want to let her out of my sight now we were home .

I had a sneaking suspicion that I’d done something wrong before giving birth and that’s why she’d been hypoglycemic. The doctor told me I’d done everything right and she was fine once she was off the IV. Ryder reassured me too and so did our friends. But I couldn't shake off the idea that it was my fault.

That was the reason for me falling asleep in her room while studying her chest rising and falling, even though we had an app that warned us if she stopped breathing. As well as worrying about our daughter’s health, I was beyond exhausted. Too tired to eat and Ryder had to remind me to shower and brush my teeth.

“Ivor.”

“Mmmm.”

“Please come to bed or let me sleep in here.”

“Isn’t that what you’ve been doing?” I snapped. “Sleeping.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them but I couldn’t take them back. The hurt reflected in my mate’s eyes made me feel worse and instead of apologizing, I lashed out more. “It’s all right for you, sleeping whenever you want, and swanning off to work.”

Ryder didn’t respond and I didn’t know how to make it better. But Dyani chose that moment to fill her diaper and I didn’t argue when my mate took her from me. Gripping the arms of the rocker, I closed my eyes while he chatted to our daughter. It was the middle of the night. Why was he talking to her?

A single tear slid down my cheek and I howled, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m such a horrible person.”

With one arm tucked around Dyani, Ryder hauled me to my feet with the other and plopped me on the daybed. He sat beside me and pulled me close. “I love you. You carried and brought our daughter into the world. I’m in awe of what omegas can do, you in particular. You’re amazing.”

“You have to say that. You’re my mate.”

“True.”

I giggled, which turned into an honest to goodness belly laugh. Dyani turned her head and studied me, probably because she hadn’t heard me do that since her birth. I’d been annoyed at Ryder talking to her and now her eyes were open wide while I laughed. I was a terrible father.

And when the laughter finished, I felt a little lighter and made no move to put Dyani in her crib. Instead, I lay down and covered myself with a blanket as Ryder sang to our daughter.

When I opened my eyes it was morning. Ryder was asleep in the rocking chair. I shot up and peered at our daughter’s chest until it rose and fell and I was confident she was okay. Despite sleeping more than an hour, my shoulders were bowed with exhaustion and I went through the motions of changing Dyani’s wet diaper and feeding her.

“Have a good sleep, love?” Ryder grimaced as he stretched his arms.

“A little,” I shrugged.

My mate kissed Dyani and me as he made my breakfast and showered. I never told him how lonely I felt when he left every morning, even though he came home at lunch and called and messaged during the day.

The day stretched ahead and would consist of feeding our daughter, worrying she wasn’t eating enough, and getting her to sleep, but checking on her every five minutes. I wanted to curl up into a ball.

By the time Ryder arrived home in the evening, I was still in my PJs, though Dyani was bathed and ready to go in her crib. But my mate wasn’t alone. Archer and Neil were at his heels.

“Hi.” I smothered a yawn with my hand.

Neil held up a bag of food. “We’ve brought dinner.” He put down the bag and held out his arms for Dyani. I handed her over and he gave her to my mate. “You go and shower while I get the food out.”

Ryder headed to the door.

“Where are you taking our daughter?” My anxiety levels were rising.

“Onto the roof. Daire, Martin and Micah have food and Micah has Elune so he and Ryder can share stories of living with a newborn.”

“Where’s Nate?” Ryder asked.

“On a work trip,” Neil told him as he unpacked the food.

The last glimpse of my mate walking upstairs with our daughter had me wanting to race after them, but Neil ordered me into the bathroom. The fierce look on his face told me he wouldn’t listen to any excuses, so I did as he commanded.

Standing under the warm water, washing away the baby spit up and Gods only knew what else, my muscles relaxed. The aroma of Thai food and nachos had me hurry up and when I wandered into the living room, my friends were on the sofa and the food was laid out on the coffee table.

“Did you eat today, Ivor?” Archer asked as he scooped up guacamole with a corn chip. He had been suffering morning sickness but maybe that had passed. I’d been so occupied with Dyani, I’d hadn’t checked in with him.

“Mmmm.” I was piling Pad Thai on my plate, my mouth watering as I took a mouthful. The competing flavors of sweetness and fish sauce while the tamarind paste added a unique sourness to the dish.

But once my belly was full, I told my friends, “Maybe I should go and check on Dyani.”

Neil put a hand on my arm. “ Ryder can look after her.”

“But she might be hungry,” I protested.

“And if she is, your mate will bring her back,” Archer insisted. He wiped his mouth with a napkin. “We can’t imagine what you went through when Dyani was in intensive care.”

My friends shared a glance and I thought they were going to tell me I was being a crap dad.

“You’re doing great on so little sleep. And you’re an amazing father,” Neil told me.

“But?” I could hear it in Neil’s voice .

He nudged Archer and the wolf shifter took over. “You have to let Ryder take some of the load or you’ll collapse under the weight.”

Suddenly, I was on the defensive. “Has he said something?”

Neil shook his head. “No. But I get the impression you don’t trust him with the baby.” Neil glanced at Archer and Archer nodded, as if urging him to continue. “And that must hurt.”

“I’m the omega. I should be able to shoulder everything.”

Archer patted the sofa and I crawled between my two friends. “You don’t have to. Lean on Ryder.”

“One more thing,” Neil said. “When was the last time you had a session with Joy?”

“I don’t have time.’

“You can do an online session,” Neil told me. “For your sake and the baby’s as well as your relationship with Ryder, it would be good for your emotional health to check in with her.”

While I didn’t want to admit it, he was right. They both were. Maybe I could squeeze in a session with my therapist.

Later when Ryder came in, Dyani was sound asleep in his arms, and I was tapping out a message on the phone. He raised a brow. “I’ve got an online session with Joy tomorrow,” I explained. “And you got her to sleep. You just might be a Superdad!

“Not might,” he joked. “I am. All I need is a costume.”