Page 106 of As The Shifter World Turns

106

USELESS

Martin

It had been a week since I finished up my work on the app project. I knew it was temporary going in. I even knew that once I finished that phase of the project I was going to be out of a job. A few times I even considered dawdling a bit to keep the insurance. But that wouldn’t be right. Not to Ryder’s start up.

He’d been kind enough to let me stay on the insurance, but it was going to quickly suck what was left of my savings. But I’d seen the initial bill for Charlie’s short trip to the ER. Had there not been insurance for him, we would’ve had financial woes. I was going to pay it until I couldn’t pay any more.

I applied for twenty jobs a day, no less. When I was working with Ryder, it was only five and that didn’t pan out, so I figured twenty would. The first day it was easy. I was not only motivated, there were plenty of jobs. But then came day two. Not as many jobs, at least not ones I hadn’t already submitted to.

And honestly I had a gut feeling that half the jobs I applied to weren’t what they were hiring for. A few of them had been listed over a year and there was no way that they were interviewing and not one person was good enough in that amount of time. By day four it felt like I was spinning my wheels. And by day six, getting out of bed was hard.

The only thing that kept me going was the kids. I became the primary caregiver for Charlie because I was the one who wasn’t working. It made sense. Toby was in school and with him gone all day, of course I had time for the little guy.

If only I felt like I was giving him what he needed.

“You’re stinky,” I teased him and picked him up for a diaper change, only when I went to change him he was clean. It was then that it hit me. I was the stinky one.

I looked down at my pjs, the ones I’d been wearing for most of a week. It was almost lunchtime and I’d still not bothered to get dressed. I just threw my jeans over my pjs when I brought Toby to school and slid them right off again when I got home.

“Sweet baby boy. I think I need a tubby.” He giggled, more at my facial expressions than my words. “I should see about that.”

I refastened his diaper and got his clothes back on. “Let’s get you something fun to do while I make a few phone calls.” He was a really happy baby, unexpectedly so given the turn of events that were his life.

What are you up to? I texted Neil first. Maybe he could come watch Charlie so I could get clean and potentially pull my head outta my ass.

About to tape. You?

About to make lunch. I didn’t want him to feel like he needed to drop everything for me. Want some?

Anthony ordered for us, but thank you. Love you.

Love you too .

“I’m sure Ryder is busy,” I brought up Daire’s name and had a similar conversation to the one I had with Neil, minus the love you. He was working on a plant video or something. He had a huge following from creating something new out of what he loved.

And what did I do? I wallowed in my jams smelling like I was holding a poopy diaper.

Next I tried Archer and Micah, and Ivor. All of them were busy. Why? Because they were adults and not irresponsible and pathetic people who couldn't get a job if their family’s life depended on it.

“It’s just you and me kid.”

I made Charlie some lunch and gave him a sippy of milk. He was yawny and tired after we finished. A fresh diaper later and he was falling asleep before I even got him to his crib.

“Sleep well sweet boy. Maybe when you get up, I’ll have a job.”

It was fine to shower while the little one was asleep. Of course it was. I’d done it countless times with Toby. But with Charlie it felt like I shouldn’t. This was, for all intents and purposes, my job and as such, things like showering when I should be minding him only made me feel worse.

I spent the next hour and a half applying for as many positions as I could. If I even came close to having the qualifications and they had medical insurance, I put my name in the hat. A few I wasn’t even qualified for, but thought I could handle. Something would come through. Something had to. I couldn’t keep going on like this.

My family deserved better.

Maybe I needed to think outside the box for my search. Not all jobs were in the big search engine. I looked up local businesses that might have a position in my field and checked out their “employment opportunities” and a few of them had some. I submitted the requested information and decided to check my email one last time before having to wake up Charlie so we could go get Toby.

I wish I hadn’t. My inbox was full of letters from places I applied to. Every last one of them was an “I’m sorry but at this time…” letter. Every. Last. One.

This time when I drove to the school, I didn’t even pretend to put on my jeans. I just went exactly as I was. Fuck it. I was a loser. Might as well let everyone know up front. That way there would be no surprises.

Toby was out and waiting when my turn in the carline came up.

“Hey, Dad. I made something for TD today.” He shut the door and buckled quickly, which was good. I wasn’t in the mood to be honked at by someone in a hurry. I just wasn’t.

“I’m sure he’ll love it. Want to tell me about it?”

“Nope. It’s a surprise.” The sound of him tapping his backpack echoed in the car. “Hey Charlie, did you have a fun day?” And just like that he was lost in the world of Charlie and I was grateful for it. I didn’t like being like this and the less he noticed the better.

The problem was, I had no idea how to get myself out of it. It was as if I was stuck. Stuck and broken.

“Archer said I could come over today and play with Patch. Is that okay?” he asked as I parked the car.

“Sure. Let me get Charlie and I can walk you over.” Archer and Micah and the kids were living in 2B because of the fire, so they were right next door. And across the landing from 2A where Neil was working. But the door was shut, which meant he was probably doing a live session.

Patch was just as excited to see Toby as Toby was to see him. It made me happy for the two of them to be so joyful. I gave Toby permission to play with Patch in the manor garden.

“I’ll pick him up in an hour,” I told Archer. And by pick him up, I meant I’d stand in our front garden and tell him it was time to leave.

“No. Give me Charlie and you go home and have some self-care. I got this.” The empathy in his eyes was everything. “Change is hard.”

He wasn’t wrong.

“You watch kids all day and work from home on Micah and Daire’s projects and I can’t handle this without being a stinky embarrassment,” I confessed. “I want to do better.”

He stepped closer and looked behind him to Elune and Jasper before focusing back on me. “But you can’t.” He took Charlie. “It’s not for lack of trying or desire. It’s depression and it fucking sucks.”

“I don’t have depression.” I said the words and they tasted like a lie.

“You may not have a lifelong struggle with it, I don’t know. But what I do know is that right now, with things that are happening in your world, you’re depressed. Situational depression is a thing, and it’s okay to admit it to yourself even if you don’t want to admit it to me. ”

I closed my eyes, the shame washing over me. “I want to not be like this.”

“And you will. Just not today. Maybe not tomorrow either, but soon. And if you can’t do it on your own, there are people who can help.” He was right. Neil still saw his therapist once a week. His hand squeezed my arm. “Now go home. Shower. Eat. Call your mate for a cuddle. Whatever makes you feel good on a normal day. And maybe, just maybe, it will make today feel a little more manageable.”

“Thank you.” There was so much more that needed to be said. But I couldn’t form the sentences. Thank you would have to suffice.

“No need to thank me. This is what family does.”

I was out the door before the first tear shed. Not a tear of sadness, a tear of hope.

This is what family does.

I had a family here, a family that went beyond my son and my mate. This huge, hot mess of an extended family and they were everything I ever needed without knowing something was missing.

At home I showered, cooked up some spaghetti and called my mate. I needed to tell him how I’d been feeling and ask him for help. It was what my family deserved.