Page 24 of A Rational Man (Pride and Prejudice Variation)

T he next day, Mr. Collins did his best to give Elizabeth every possible attention, but his best efforts fell flat, as she either ignored him or moved away from him when he approached her.

Having found Mr. Bennet uncooperative on the subject of Elizabeth as his future bride, Mr. Collins spoke at length with Mrs. Bennet about his hopes for Elizabeth.

“Mary would make a better wife for a parson,” she advised him, hesitantly. She had a strong suspicion that Elizabeth would not fall in line with Mr. Collins’ wishes, and hoped to push the man in a different direction before he gave up on the Bennet girls all together.

“Mary?”

“Yes; she has always wanted to marry a parson, you know, and she confided to me –“ And here Mrs. Bennet leaned forward to whisper to him. “She told me that she thinks you to be extremely handsome!”

Mr. Collins had never before been considered handsome, and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. “Indeed!” he said.

“Yes, indeed.”

He considered this for a moment before saying, “Nonetheless, I have my eye fixed on Miss Elizabeth.”

Before any more could be said, Mr. Bingley and Mr. Darcy were announced. Mrs. Bennet and Mr. Collins entered the room, and introductions were made at once.

“Mr. Darcy?” Mr. Collins asked. “Mr. Fitzwilliam Darcy?” His voice rose in happy disbelief.

Oh, Lord, Mr. Darcy thought, but he acknowledged it at once. “I am he, sir.”

“Why, of all the amazing coincidences! I am in the happy position of being able to tell you that your aunt, Lady Catherine de Bourgh, was in the best of health when I left her just three days ago! As was your intended, Miss de Bourgh!”

Every head in the room turned to Mr. Darcy. “Your intended?” he heard Elizabeth whisper.

“I thank you, Mr. Collins,” Mr. Darcy said, his anger barely contained. “But your information is inaccurate; I am not engaged to my cousin Anne.”

“But Lady Catherine –“

“Yes, I know what she says,” Mr. Darcy interrupted. “But it is mere wishful thinking on her part, and nothing more. Let us not speak of it again.” His tone was firm, and no one was disposed to argue the point, but the furrow between Elizabeth’s brows remained.

Jane said, “How very astonishing that our cousin should be your aunt’s parson!”

Mr. Collins then took the opportunity to explain to Mr. Darcy how Lady Catherine favoured him, sought his counsel, took his advice, and so on. This being the third time the Bennets had heard this particular soliloquy, it was only good manners that forced them to appear interested.

To everyone’s relief, Lady Lucas and Charlotte Lucas were announced, and seats were rearranged to make way for them. Mr. Darcy was able to secure a seat beside Elizabeth; he leaned toward her and whispered, “I am not engaged!”

Would she respond? She looked at him and said, coldly, “It can mean nothing to me, Mr. Darcy, of course.”

Of course it could not. What on earth had he been thinking?

He turned his attention to Lady Lucas, who was announcing, in ringing tones, that the militia had arrived in Meryton.

“You should see the street, Mrs. Bennet,” she said.

“Full of handsome young men in their red coats; there is nothing like it.”

Kitty and Lydia clutched at one another in their excitement, causing Jane to reprove them. Mary set her mouth in displeasure, murmuring, “We shall have no peace.”

But Elizabeth replied, “That does sound exciting, Lady Lucas. Charlotte, have you seen the soldiers?”

“I did, for Mama and I drove to Meryton as soon as we got word. It is a most engaging sight, Lizzy, I must admit.”

Now nothing would do but for Kitty and Lydia to walk to Meryton at once. “You go with them, Jane, Lizzy,” Mrs. Bennet said. “For there is no telling what mischief those two will get up to on their own.”

“I shall accompany my fair cousin, Elizabeth,” Mr. Collins proclaimed loudly. “You need fear no rowdy soldiers while in my company, Miss Elizabeth!”

Fair cousin? Elizabeth? Mr. Darcy could hardly believe it; this man was courting Elizabeth?

Surely not. But he immediately understood that it was not just possible, it was likely.

Doubtless, Mr. Collins had been informed that Miss Bennet was engaged; what could be more natural than for his attention to turn to Miss Elizabeth?

How had he not considered that when he had prompted Bingley to propose to Miss Bennet?

Elizabeth’s face was crimson; there was nothing she could say that would not be unconscionably rude, but her face displayed her discomfort as her cousin clamped his hand around his arm.

“Forgive me, Mr. Collins, but I must get my coat and bonnet before setting off,” she said, quietly.

“Of course, of course! As must I! Well, not a bonnet, of course, but a hat! Yes, a coat and a hat! And gloves!”

Kitty and Lydia raced ahead, followed by Jane and Mr. Bingley. Elizabeth and Mr. Collins walked behind them, with Mr. Darcy trailing the group. Mr. Darcy walked with his eyes narrowed and his lips clamped shut. He must do something, but what?

Mr. Collins had not stopped speaking even to draw breath, and Mr. Darcy could see Miss Elizabeth looking away from her escort as often as she dared.

Miss Bennet, to her credit, decreased her step so as to be on her sister’s other side, with Mr. Bingley beside her; Miss Bennet then attempted to engage Miss Elizabeth in conversation, but Mr. Collins would have none of it.

He continued to pontificate – on what, heaven only knew – and Mr. Darcy found himself filled with rage.

How dare this clown treat Miss Elizabeth so!

He was completely and utterly unworthy of her!

But as he tramped along behind the others, his rational mind began to cool his anger.

Perhaps Miss Elizabeth wished to marry Mr. Collins?

It would be difficult – nay, nearly impossible!

– to believe, but stranger things had happened.

It would be rational for her to marry Mr. Collins, given that he would inherit Longbourn.

But now that Miss Bennet had secured Mr. Bingley, was that not enough security?

And had Miss Elizabeth not said that she would only marry for love?

Was she not guided by emotion, rather than by reason?

Reason would argue that she should marry the man; emotion could only throw up its hands in horror.

He was deeply confused.

***

Mr. Darcy’s musings were interrupted by the sound of marching feet; the militia had indeed arrived in Meryton, in all its red-coated glory.

Ladies, both young and old, lined the streets, waving their handkerchiefs and exclaiming loudly over the procession.

One young lady even fainted into her mother’s arms, so great was her excitement.

One could hardly expect Kitty and Lydia to be immune to such a display of manliness, and indeed, it was all that Jane and Elizabeth could do to contain them.

Mr. Collins looked utterly shocked at their behaviour and, in truth, Mr. Darcy felt rather the same.

But he could not allow himself to agree with the wretched parson, so he leaned toward the man and whispered, “Such a stirring sight, is it not, Mr. Collins?”

“Oh! Indeed, as you say, quite stirring,” Mr. Collins replied, trying his best to bring a smile to his countenance.

When they were finally able to drag Kitty and Lydia from Meryton, Mr. Darcy made it his business to give Miss Elizabeth his arm and then walk quickly enough to outpace the others.

She peered up at him. “Is there a reason for this enforced march, Mr. Darcy? Were you inspired by the sight of the militia?”

“No; I merely hoped to speak with you for a few moments without your cousin in earshot.”

“Indeed? Pray, continue.”

“Elizabeth – Miss Elizabeth – his wishes with respect to you are clear. Do you plan to accept him?”

She stopped dead and stared at him. “It can mean nothing to you, Mr. Darcy, just as the question of whether or not you are engaged to your cousin can mean nothing to me.”

“You are right, of course; but if you do not wish his attentions, it lies within my power to turn them away.”

“By what means?”

“By simply telling him that I know my aunt quite well, and that she would never approve of you.”

“Should I feel insulted, I wonder?” she asked. “Why would your aunt not approve of me?”

“Keep walking; I do not want him to catch up with us!” They resumed their quick pace, and Mr. Darcy clarified his statement. “My Aunt Catherine demands complete obedience to her whims and wishes, no matter how absurd. And believe me, there is a good amount of absurdity involved.”

“You surprise me, Mr. Darcy.”

“In what manner?”

“I would have thought that you would encourage me to marry the man. It is, after all, the rational thing for me to do. He has a good living and will eventually inherit Longbourn; is that not a fine opportunity for a country miss with no dowry?”

“I beg you to tell me that you are teasing me!”

“Not entirely; I have spent the better part of the day trying to talk myself into accepting his suit.”

Mr. Darcy groaned aloud. “It is rational, I cannot deny it, but every feeling revolts!”

“So you confess to having feelings?”

“I have never denied it; I have only stated that they are a poor guide for decision-making.”

“Yet you would have me make a decision based on feelings, not rationality. I am everything confused, Mr. Darcy. But be at ease; my sister Mary wants him, and I would not stand in her way for anything.”

“Miss Mary would have him?”

“In an instant, but he has not so much as looked at her.”

How he wished he could say that no one could look at any other female, as long as Elizabeth was in the room! But he could not. Nonetheless – “So you will turn him down?”

“Why do you care if I accept his proposal or not, Mr. Darcy?” She peeped up at him from under her bonnet.

There it was, the question he had hoped to avoid.

He would not, he could not, tell her that it was painful for him to contemplate her marriage to anyone, and sheer torture to imagine such a bright flame as hers quenched by the dreary Mr. Collins!

Finally, he said, hesitantly. “We are friends, I hope.”

“We are, certainly,” was her prompt reply.

“I would not want a friend to marry inadvisedly.” Lord, had there ever been a more pompous statement? They stared at one another, and for a moment he felt his resolve crumple. He would tell her of his feelings, she would reciprocate – would she? – and then –

But she nodded her acceptance, saying, “I would prefer that he not make the offer to begin with, as it will just make the remainder of his stay awkward. If you truly believe you can turn him away from me, I beg you to do so.”

He was equal parts disappointed and relieved that the moment had passed.

“I shall, with the greatest pleasure!” He lifted her gloved hand and – did he dare? – yes, he placed a kiss upon it. He looked at Miss Elizabeth and saw that she was staring at him, her face pink, her lips parted.

Then they heard the rest of the party tramping up behind them. Mr. Collins was calling, “Miss Elizabeth! Miss – Miss Elizabeth! Do wait!” He was quite out of breath by the time he caught up to them.

Mr. Darcy immediately said, “Mr. Collins, might I have a private word with you?”

“Of course, Mr. Darcy! Anything, anything at all! Only – Miss Elizabeth, will you forgive me if I am away from your side while Mr. Darcy speaks with me, dearest cousin?”

Elizabeth assured him that she would bear the separation very well indeed, and she fell back to await Jane and Mr. Bingley.

Walking with Mr. Collins, Mr. Darcy said, “It has come to my attention that you admire Miss Elizabeth.”

“Indeed, who could not admire her? Such beauty, such grace!”

“Such impertinence, you mean?”

“Impertinence! Why, Mr. Darcy –“

“Mr. Collins, I hope you will permit me to be quite frank with you.”

He was assured that he might be as frank as he wished.

“I know my Aunt Catherine quite well, as you may imagine, and I have also had the privilege of knowing Miss Elizabeth for several months.

I cannot imagine that Lady Catherine and Miss Elizabeth would do well together.

No, Mr. Collins, I beg that you allow me to finish.

You have doubtless noticed that my aunt demands instant obedience – “

Mr. Collins could not hold his tongue at this. “That is the result of her high rank and great wisdom, Mr. Darcy! You, who are so closely related to her, cannot have failed to notice –“

“Be that as it may, Mr. Collins, Lady Catherine would object vociferously to Miss Elizabeth as your choice of a bride.”

“But why?” Mr. Collins’ tone was plaintive.

“From my own knowledge of Miss Elizabeth, I can tell you that she would not take kindly to having any interference in her household. Your days of peacefully accepting Lady Catherine’s dictates would be gone forever; there would be strife in your household from the moment you brought her home as your bride.

If you doubt me, I suggest that you ask Mr. Bennet his own opinion; we can certainly agree that Mr. Bennet knows his daughters best, can we not? ”

“I will take it up with my cousin Bennet,” Mr. Collins agreed, after a brief hesitation.

“And while you are discussing this with him, be certain to ask him his opinion of Miss Mary as a potential wife.”

“Miss Mary? Her mother already spoke to me of her, but I do not think –“

“I am certain you are not one of those shallow and foolish gentleman who judges a book by its cover, or in this case, a young lady by her looks.

Miss Mary is intelligent, docile, obedient and deeply religious.

And –“ here Mr. Darcy dropped his voice – “while her face is not much to look at, her figure is excellent. I am certain that you, as a gentleman of discernment, noticed that at once.” Such a statement was extremely ungentlemanly as well as patently untrue, for the girl was far too thin.

“Oh! Well, yes! A gentleman does not speak of such things, of course, but –“

“Indeed, but we have eyes in our heads, do we not, Mr. Collins?” By this time, Mr. Darcy hated himself, but needs must when the devil drives, the devil in this case being Lady Catherine.

By the time the party reached Longbourn, Mr. Collins was shambling along behind all of them, trailing even Kitty and Lydia, his round face screwed up in thought.