Page 23 of A Rational Man (Pride and Prejudice Variation)

O n the eighteenth of November, at precisely four o’clock in the afternoon, Kitty, who had been peering out the front window for the past half an hour, called out, “He is here!”

Mr. Collins was greeted by Mr. Hill, who immediately showed the visitor to the parlour.

There, the family all rose to greet him.

Mr. Bennet shook his hand and the ladies all curtsied.

Mrs. Bennet rang for the tea tray and engaged the visitor in conversation, giving all the young ladies an opportunity to observe him without appearing to gawk.

He was tall, which spoke in his favour, but he was large-boned and heavy.

His hair was thinning, and he would likely be quite bald before long.

His manner was formal, and he spoke a good deal about his parish, his parishioners, his patroness, his cottage, his garden, his hens, and so on.

Such a profusion of conversation might be attributable to nerves; time would tell.

He complimented Mrs. Bennet on the décor of the room which, truth to tell, was old and a bit threadbare, as Miss Bingley had seen. He then turned his eyes to his female cousins, who were arranged quite attractively on two sofas opposite his chair.

“Mrs. Bennet, I have heard much of the beauty of my cousins, but the reality far eclipses what I had imagined.”

It was a clumsy compliment, but any compliment was pleasing to Mrs. Bennet, so she thanked him prettily.

Mr. Collins continued, “It will be no hardship, then, to execute my little plan.” He smiled broadly, revealing square, yellow teeth.

“Your plan, sir?” Mr. Bennet put in.

“Why, to compensate at least one of your daughters for the eventual loss of Longbourn.”

There was a moment’s silence, as no one was quite certain as to how to respond to such a statement; Mrs. Bennet then rose and offered to show her guest to his room. He accepted with alacrity, and the two vanished up the staircase.

“Well!” Jane huffed, and that one syllable prompted all the Bennet girls to burst into laughter, erasing the palpable tension in the room.

“Are you still determined, Mary?” Elizabeth enquired, when the mirth had subsided.

“Determined? What is Mary determined to do?” Mr. Bennet asked.

“She said she would marry Mr. Collins, no matter what he looked like,” Jane supplied. “Well, Mary?”

“I am undeterred,” Mary announced. “I am no beauty myself – no, you need not protest – so it is not for me to judge him on his looks.”

“I am less concerned about his looks than his manner,” Elizabeth said, brow wrinkled in concern.

Mary took a deep breath. “Lizzy, I do not doubt that you, with your beauty and wit, have long believed that you would have a choice when it came to matrimony; I have never had such a belief. On the contrary, I have always thought I would be lucky if anyone wished to marry me. So I would be everything grateful if he would be willing to have me.”

“Pooh!” Lydia exclaimed. “For my part, you are more than welcome to him.”

“My part as well,” Kitty agreed, and the two ran upstairs to their room.

Mr. Bennet sat beside Mary and took her hands in his.

“Mary, you need not marry anyone if you are not inclined to do so. I have not done a very good job of saving money for you, child, but you know that Jane is engaged, and Mr. Bingley has promised me that he will take care of all you girls, should the need arise. Also, he has no need of Jane’s share of your mother’s four thousand pounds, so your share is now a full thousand pounds.

In the four percents, that would give you forty pounds a year.

You could not support yourself on that amount, of course, but it would add to your comfort when living with Mr. Bingley and Jane. ”

Mary, who had never before heard her father speak to her so, could only stare at him, her eyes filling.

“Think on it, child.” And with that, Mr. Bennet kissed the top of Mary’s head, rose, and left the room.

“Has the whole world gone mad?” Elizabeth wondered, turning to Jane. “Papa kissed Mary!”

Jane agreed, “Had I not seen it myself, I would never have believed it.”

“Jane, it is good of you and Mr. Bingley to give up your share of Mama’s dowry,” Elizabeth said, softly.

“It is the least I can do for my sisters,” Jane said.

***

Dinner was served not long after, and Mr. Collins continued his earlier line of conversation, that being every possible detail about his situation in life.

If his design was to impress his hearers, he succeeded with most of them.

While Mrs. Bennet and Mary were, indeed, impressed by how fortunate their cousin had been in obtaining such a position as rector to one Lady Catherine de Bourgh, Mr. Bennet, Elizabeth and Jane were impressed only by the absurdity of such a monologue.

Only Kitty and Lydia remained unimpressed, as they heard not a word of it.

After dinner, the ladies retreated to the parlour, leaving Mr. Bennet and Mr. Collins alone. Mr. Collins wasted no time. “Miss Bennet is an exceedingly lovely young lady,” he said, effusively. “Her manner! The tone of her voice! Any man would wish for such a companion in his life!”

Mr. Bennet replied, dryly, “Indeed; her fiancé, Mr. Bingley, would agree with you in every particular.”

Mr. Collins’ mouth fell open. “She is engaged?”

“She is, to a young man of fortune.”

“I was not told!”

“Truly, Mr. Collins, did you expect to be made privy to all my family’s concerns in the space of two hours?”

“I suppose not,” he answered grudgingly, though he looked much aggrieved. “Very well; Miss Elizabeth, next to her in both age and beauty, would do very well for me.”

Lizzy? Married to this clod? Impossible! How could Mr. Bennet turn his attention away from her? “She would be a poor choice for you, Mr. Collins.”

“Would she? But why?”

“She is quite outspoken,” Mr. Bennet said. “She would not be as courteous to your Lady Catherine as that lady undoubtedly expects and merits.”

“I would teach her better manners.”

“She is unteachable.”

“By a father, perhaps; but with a husband, she is likely to learn.”

The conversation continued for another quarter of an hour before Mr. Bennet gave it up.

Mr. Collins had decided that Elizabeth would be the companion of his future life and eventual mistress of Longbourn.

Seeing that his guest was too determined to be moved by any form of reason, Mr. Bennet said, “Let us rejoin the ladies, Mr. Collins.”

Upon entering the parlour, Mr. Collins made a beeline for Elizabeth, stepping on her toes in the process of sitting beside her. “Oh! I am so sorry, Cousin Elizabeth!”

“Think nothing of it, Mr. Collins,” Elizabeth managed to say, though her eyes were shut in pain.

“I would not injure you for the world,” he went on. “For beauty such as yours should never be marred by a wrinkled brow.”

At that, Elizabeth’s eyes opened wide; she stared at Mr. Collins and then looked at her father, silently pleading for help. He responded at once. “Lizzy, might you entertain us?”

Gratefully, Elizabeth limped to the pianoforte and began to play. Mary slid into the seat Elizabeth had vacated, and tried to converse with Mr. Collins, but to no avail. He would not so much as look at her.

***

Dear Aunt,

Mr. Collins has arrived! I know I promised to report to you at once, and so here it is.

He is very disappointing, to say the least. He is unattractive, self-important, ill-mannered and clumsy.

He does intend to marry one of us. He had settled on Jane immediately, but she is already engaged to Mr. Bingley; I know she wrote you of that yesterday.

Jane is safe from Mr. Collins, happily, but the rest of us have not her good fortune, and Mr. Collins has now turned his eye to me .

Aunt, I would not marry him for all the world, but you know how Mama is. I may end up living at Gracechurch Street after all!

Mary has announced that she would be happy to accept him, so perhaps she will be the one to keep Longbourn in the family, if only Mr. Collins would turn his eye on her, rather than me!

Your rather troubled niece,

Lizzy

***

That night, Jane comforted Elizabeth. “You cannot marry him, of course, Lizzy. No one can expect you to.”

“I do not think Papa would permit it,” Elizabeth replied. “But I worry that Mama will persuade him otherwise.”

“No one can force you to speak your vows, Lizzy.”

“No, but my life here at Longbourn could become quite unpleasant if Mama does not get her way. I have already written to Aunt Gardiner that I may be forced to retreat to Gracechurch Street.”