Page 22 of A Quiet Man

Anyway, all in all, Tomas felt a bit more reasonable and less angry about the whole thing than he had yesterday, but he still hoped they weren't going to talk about it. He could stand to have an elephant in the room if it meant no prodding at raw spots and no talking about Justin.

Fortunately, Riley seemed to be feeling more no talkative than Tomas was. Though he gave Tomas a sympathetic and warm-eyed look, he didn't mention Justin, or the kids, or the phone call, or anything that might be even slightly touchy. In fact, they didn't speak much at all. It was nice, though. Riley was the sort of person you could be comfortable with even in silence.

Sometimes Tomas missed when they'd lived together. When Riley had counted on him, not that jerk Justin, to be there with him at the end of the day, to eat together and not be too busy to make it home in time for supper. Even to snuggle up with him sometimes. Riley was a big hugger, and was even more cuddly in his wolf form. He was pretty irresistible with his big eyes and his soft fur.

But it was no good thinking along those lines. He and Riley were never going to be anything more than friends, and neither of them wanted anything else. And to keep his friend away from the man he loved, or wish that things hadn't worked out for them, would be so selfish. He didn't want Riley to be unhappy just so he, Tomas, could have someone to live with. Riley didn't just love Justin, he needed him with a wolf-shifter intensity that Tomas could barely begin to comprehend.

Tomas thought of cute, soft-eyed Auden, his big shy smiles and how he hadn't been afraid to say the word "date" or hold hands or kiss in public. All of that was a big deal to Tomas, and he knew he wasn't very experienced with relationships. He'd never been with someone who wanted to hold his hand in public, not even briefly. It was quite possible he was getting his hopes up and his heart involved way too soon. But it had seemed like it was a big deal to Auden, too.

At the end of their date last night, Tomas had been worried he'd have to field the sexual aspect of the relationship, and he didn't feel ready to dive into that or explain why he wasn't in a hurry. Fortunately, Auden had simply given him a quick kiss on the cheek and a warm smile and said he'd had a lovely time before heading up to his apartment — no innuendo or invitations or hints.

Tomas was already thinking about what it would be like to have Auden move in with him. His place was definitely nicer, and it would be lovely to have Auden live with him. It would be a big deal to move in together, and they'd had one official date so far. But where a "normal" guy would probably be thinking about how to get Auden's pants off and have some fun sexy times, Tomas was, of course, thinking more along the lines of commitment and cuddling and taking care of him. He would never admit that to anyone else in a million years, but he knew there was no point lying to himself. He was thinking that far ahead already.

At some point, he'd have to be honest with Auden about what he wanted in a relationship. But kissing him had been quite nice, so maybe the rest of the relationship would be equally pleasant, no matter how much sex it involved.

Was it normal that Auden was willing to take things slow? He didn't know enough about dating, much less dating other men, to understand exactly the routines and time schedules to use when you were serious about someone. It left him feeling off-kilter, not quite knowing what was expected of him or how to figure it out. But he was also relieved they hadn't gotten to the sex part yet, and that obviously, dating Auden wasn't just about that.

In college, that did seem to be most of what a relationship entailed: hooking up, and possibly giving people cold shoulders later. That had been pretty much the opposite of anything Tomas had ever wanted, and even at that age (when he'd had basically no clue what he did want), he'd realized pretty quickly that that sort of "dating" wasn't for him. Even before college, he'd been the bookish nerd hiding in his own world, and afterwards, he'd been the faithful hardworking cop. He'd done very little dating anywhere else, either.

Of course it was easy to blame his life situation, but the fact was, he could have dated more if he'd been even remotely interested. Justin's remark about his attractiveness and likeability was nothing he hadn't known. He'd often felt like he had to dodge people's interest in him, and it made him feel harassed and uncomfortable, even though he knew it was meant as a compliment; that it was, in fact something a lot of people would have wanted. It scared him a bit, the intensity of sexual desire some people seemed to feel — and aimed towards him, it was even more bewildering.

Tomas was physically attractive. Many people seemed to think so. And he liked the way he looked, most of the time. He thought he had a nice face, he liked being brown, and he was pleased more often than not with the way his body was built. No, he'd never be a big, muscular guy like his brother — Tomas was more sleek — but he'd never wanted to be a huge, muscle-y guy. He liked being a bit underestimated at times, and he liked not intimidating people. It made his job easier in some ways, because people didn't clam up around him as quickly.

But people finding him attractive had led to some of the most embarrassing moments in his life, along with a strong need to learn how to let people down graciously. Sometimes straight men had a jealous disbelief in his attractiveness, calling him Mr. Baby-Face, wondering aloud what women saw in him. He didn't mind that. It made him feel less sexualized. At least some people didn't want to fuck him.

It was probably a shame on some level that he didn't appreciate sex more, because he could clearly have had his fill with either gay men or straight women, and probably a great many bi and pan people as well. But he just wasn't interested, and not hurting people's feeling was, of course, important — but not really on the level where he'd have sex just to make someone happy.

But it was different with strangers. With someone he really cared about, like Auden, was he actually going to do the gentle turn-down, the polite 'no, thanks'? He could handle some sex if it made Auden happy — probably. It just couldn't be all the relationship was, or it would break his damned heart. It would prove once and for all that relationships weren't for him. After all, it was better to be a bit lonely than to be miserable in a relationship where you just felt used, inadequate, and unhappy.

They should probably be further into the relationship before he got so heavy about the whole thing, but this entire thing had blindsided him. He hadn't meant to start dating; he hadn't meant to find Auden so appealing and irresistible. He already cared about Auden too damned much. Possibly, one couldn't ever care too much about another human being, but this sort of caring, especially if it was misplaced, could cause a whole lot of pain without actually making the world a better place. There was no point in getting his heart broken because he was hasty and foolish.

He was trying not to think about that (or their upcoming date — although he really hoped his ice-skating skills weren't too out of practice) when Cody wandered over and leaned against the desk, smiling down at him. "Hey, how was the date?" He aimed a knuckle-tap at Tomas's biceps.

Tomas scowled up at him. He hadn't expected to have this discussion at work.

"You're dating?" said Riley, looking up fast, blinking several times, his big soft eyes shocked. "But you never date."

"Don't I?" Tomas said, sarcastically pleasant through gritted teeth. "How kind of you to inform me of that."Not to mention your husband...and the entire fucking precinct!

"Heh-heh." Cody's laugh was awkward as he realized he'd put his foot in it. "Oh, well, never mind, then!" He started to back away.

Riley hung his head. "I didn't mean it like that. I'm just surprised."

Tomas bit his tongue because if he said anything else, he knew he would regret it later. But it turned out that, yeah, he was still upset about Riley discussing all of this with Justin. And talking about it here. Or at all.

"I'm sorry," Riley said quietly when they were alone again. "I made you look foolish, and I didn't mean to. Me and my big mouth! I shouldn't have said anything." He mimed zipping his lips and then locking them and tossing away the key, the gesture a child might have used, not a penitent adult.

Tomas just looked at him and shook his head. It was impossible to be annoyed with Riley for long, but he wasn't happy about, and it was hard to put an exact reason on why. Why should he care? Especially since he'd already talked about this with Cody? He didn't know, but it was painful, and it felt like a betrayal.

Maybe if I could figure myself out, I wouldn't be mad at Riley for trying to figure me out.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead. "He's nice. I really like him. But it's all pretty confusing otherwise. I didn't really want to talk about it yet, and I don't like you telling people anything personal like that about me." He felt like an asshole for saying all of this, but if he didn't explain, he'd still be annoyed, and Riley would be hurt, not understanding why.

"I'm sorry. I won't. I never have. That just slipped out. I mean—" Riley grimaced as if he had suddenly realized something. "Justin and I have talked about you sometimes, so I guess I have." He looked at Tomas quickly, guilt written large on his big, handsome mug. "I didn't realize it was too personal. I'm sorry."

Tomas sighed. "I know you're married to him and you have to be honest with each other. I don't like it when I'm in the middle." He grimaced. "That doesn't make any sense. I guess I mean, I don't really trust Justin on my own, and he doesn't really like me, so I feel weird knowing you're talking about me."

Riley looked stricken. Perhaps hearing his precious Justin criticized was too much for him. But instead of protesting, he only nodded hard, although he looked incredibly sad. "We don't have to talk about you. Honestly, I would never say anything bad about you to anyone. And Justin does respect you, he really does. He'll do better, you know. I know he's trying."