Page 16 of A Quiet Man

"Um." Tomas tried to think. What had his plans been for the day? Probably slogging around in his pajamas, reading a book if he could summon the energy. "Not sure."

"Well, what's on your list?" Auden asked reasonably. "Bread? Meat? Something more exotic?" Then he blushed. "Um. You know what I mean."

Tomas laughed, because he did, and it was cute how Auden often seemed to say the thing that would embarrass himself the most. "Let's wander around a little and see what catches our eye." He was all right again, back in the moment. Auden hadn't been asking about his plans for the day, just where he wanted to look in the market. They definitely weren't ready to leave yet and move on to the boring parts of the day.

Auden stuck close in the crowded pathways, shadowing him, alert and light on his feet. Tomas rather enjoyed feeling big and strong next to his new friend. It was pleasant having someone want to use him as a shield, sticking as close as possible. Someone who trusted his competence and liked being around him.

They bought some fresh-roasted nuts and snacked as they walked. Auden suggested smoothies, so they had those, too. Tomas got his favorite, mango. Auden had strawberry kiwi. Tomas paid for both these things. He was willing to bet Auden didn't have a lot of discretionary funds right now, and it would be cruel to make him pay his own way for things Tomas was suggesting.

Being around Auden felt natural in a way Tomas rarely felt with people he hadn't known his whole life. It just felt easy. Auden seemed pleased to hang out, without needing to spout a lot of words about what they were doing.

Tomas decided to enjoy it. Without any external pressure to label this a date or wonder where things would go next, he could live in the moment. Auden was undemanding company, but very present and enjoyable to hang out with. They didn't talk much because it was so crowded and noisy, but when they did, it felt easy and natural. Sticking close together and enjoying the mild adventure that was exploring the market, finding new stands and strange products to show each other — well, it had been a while since Tomas had had so much unstructured fun with anyone. Even his partner rarely had time to just hang out these days; he had a lot on his plate.

Thinking about the foster kids made Tomas feel sad again, so he pushed the thought of them out of his head. If they felt resentful or hurt that he wasn't there to help with homework, hopefully they would come to understand — and Justin would step up with some more resources to meet their needs.

Tomas didn't think Justin was a bad father, but he did think it was misguided at best to imagine he could work overtime and pull his weight raising a bunch of kids, many of whom had special needs of one sort or another — whether that was extra help with homework, or regular counseling, anger management issues, or just learning how to grow up in a world that had been unsafe and untrustworthy for a long time. Some of the kids were as big as adults, but they still had brains that weren't finished developing and needed a lot of structure, security, and guidance from the grownups in their lives. If one of those couldn't be Tomas, then Justin really needed to step up his game, because as great as Riley was, he couldn't single-parent a bunch of kids the way they needed while he was working full time.

Tomas reminded himself once again that they would need to figure it out — and he needed to stay out of it.

Auden touched his arm lightly. "You okay?"

"Hm? Yes." He smiled ruefully. "I get a little distracted sometimes." He realized he wanted to say more but wasn't sure if that would be disloyal. Auden's inquiring face somehow invited confidences. He decided to be vague. "I'm concerned for my partner. He and his husband have some things to sort out, and I have to keep reminding myself to stay in my lane."

"Oh." Auden's eyes held sympathy and knowing.

Yeah,oh. "I can't fix everything for 'em, and I probably don't understand half the issues myself." In fact, staying away was the smartest thing to do, even if he hadn't been so rudely ordered away by Justin. It wasn't as though he had a lot of relationship experience to draw back on for advice to share — even if advice had been wanted, which it most certainly wasn't.

"Well, you care, and that's never wrong. Sometimes the hardest thing to do is let people make their own mistakes." Auden's smile now was soft and regretful. "I hope things work out for you."

"For me?" Tomas studied Auden in confused silence for a moment. "Well, for them. I don't really have anything to do with it. I just want everyone to be okay."

"Really? That's so nice of you." Auden seemed surprisingly pleased, wrapping his arms around himself and giving himself a sort of hug, his smile too bright to be dimmed.

"I'm dragging this out, aren't I? Do you need to get home?"

"I'm in no hurry." Auden stared at Tomas steadily, then looked away and blushed.

Maybe this is a date to him.

Tomas wondered if he'd ever figure relationships out. But he didn't have the impulse to run that he normally got around people who wanted him, or rather his body. There was no denying he felt drawn to Auden and enjoyed his company. Maybe that was what other people felt when they wanted to date someone: maybe they were just exaggerating about the rest of it, the extreme physical attraction and desire for sex. He couldn't look at Auden and think,Boy, I want to get this cutie pie into my bed naked as soon as possible. But he could somehow see laughing with him as they fixed a meal together, or snuggling up during a movie, eating popcorn. There was something so easy about being around Auden, even though he barely knew him at all yet. It felt natural, easy and right in a way few things automatically did. It felt like something worth exploring.

They fit, somehow. Would it be friends, would it be lovers — maybe even partners for life? Or would they just be market buddies? He knew he was jumping ahead, but it was hard not to. Was that weird, to feel all of this so quickly? Before today, Auden had just been the waiter whose name he didn't know. One thing was for sure, he definitely wanted to see Auden again and find out. Maybe that made this a date after all.

"How about some brownies to go?" he suggested, pointing to a little stand with exorbitantly priced baked goods that smelled like heaven. If it was going to be a date after all, he wanted to treat Auden to something at least a little extravagant.

Tomas knew very well he was cheap, but he didn't want to be cheap to a date — if that was what this was. If that was what Auden was.

Auden turned back to look at him, smiling bravely even though he was still visibly blushing. Tomas smiled kindly back. "You do like brownies, don't you?"

"I like everything," Auden said, and blushed harder.

#

After dropping Audenoff, Tomas drove home and put away his groceries, thinking about Auden the whole time. Was he jumping the gun thinking something good could come of this? Maybe he was just lonely and latching on to the first friendly face he saw. But he didn't think so, because that was usually not how he operated at all. Normally, loneliness made him want to hide away with a book and lick his wounds, not put himself out there in a vulnerable place, getting to know someone, maneuvering through the white-water hazards of dating.

If they did date, was he going to have to have sex with Auden? The guy was more appealing than most people. That wasn't something he really wanted to think about right now, though. He'd start worrying about it and ruin this for himself when it had barely even started. But if he wanted to settle down with someone, he'd probably have to have sex with them at least some of the time. It was a bit depressing, but not the worst thing in the world — as long as that wasn't all they wanted from him.

He wondered again about how easily he was willing to accept that settling down with someone could mean a man. He must've been working on that for a while, because there'd been a time in his life when he'd known very well that, no matter what on earth happened, he could never tell his family he was involved with another man. (This was in college, when he'd experimented, as he called it — a.k.a. dated both men and women, and found neither a particularly satisfying experience — seeing they mostly seemed to revolve around sex, and not whatever it was he wanted.)