Page 35 of A Kingdom of Fire and Fury (House of Embers #1)

Kieran grimaced. “Not for everyone. I know Nimue told you I’m a bastard.

I was brought in when I was four. My mother had taken ill and used her last remaining strength to plead with my father to take me in.

My father, of course, honored the request, but my stepmother made it clear she hated my guts.

I don’t blame her. Every time she looked at me, she saw her husband’s infidelity. ”

My heart ached for the child version of him.

All the bastards I knew were thrown a bad hand, no matter how rich their father was.

Granted, most of them were just as poor as I was, but in the end, all that mattered was that they were the scorn of their families—if they were acknowledged at all. And most of them weren’t.

Kieran must’ve seen something on my face because he said, “I’m not trying to get your pity by sharing that.

When I was growing up, I didn’t fit in, and I knew there was nothing I could do to make it better.

I’d always be my father’s shame. Even so, I tried my best to fit in by working hard, staying silent, and doing everything I could to please my stepmother. ”

“And that led to you creating your own village?” I frowned.

He laughed. “Gods no. The villagers in my hometown were what did. They didn’t look at me like I was a monster.

They only saw a kid who wanted to be loved.

So even though they had no money to spare, they helped me.

They showed me kindness. They made me realize that I wanted to do the same, to repay that favor.

Because it’s so easy to be nice, but it’s hard to be kind. And the world could use some kindness.”

“And you thought the best way to do that was becoming a rider?”

“I never meant to become a rider.”

My brows rose. “Then how did you?”

“Despite my stepmother’s hatred of me, my brother and I got along exceptionally well.

It helped that it was clear from the get-go I’d never threaten his inheritance.

The most I could hope for was employment by our father.

So my brother acted as a shield for me. When I was ten and my brother was fourteen, we went to the capital for him to claim Hesperos. ”

A muscle in Kieran’s jaw popped. “I saw how Hes reacted. He was going to burn him. I—I couldn’t let that happen, so I shoved my brother out of the way.

The flames consumed me, except I didn’t burn.

” Kieran exhaled, closing his eyes. “To my family and the crowd, it looked like I was purposefully stealing his spot. He refused to listen to me when I tried to explain. Now he wants nothing to do with me.”

My heart squeezed. If I’d been in his situation, if Clara’s life was on the line, I’d do the same in a heartbeat. “I’m sorry.”

He tried to shrug it off, but it obviously still affected him.

“Nothing can be done about it. In time, I realized my position was the best way to achieve my goal of a little kindness for everyone. When I saw the front lines, I realized I could do more than kindness. I could help those affected by dragon fights. Once everything was up and running, I offered people spots in the village. Not all accepted and those that didn’t, I still provide them assistance when I can until they find their footing. ”

Kieran’s eyes glittered as he stared down at the lively streets.

“It’s hard out here for them. They’re effectively isolated, but I’m almost glad for it.

They all help each other. There’re no families out on the streets.

Everyone is doing okay. And if I have to keep staining my soul to keep this place running, I will.

Because it’s not just about Daeza. The entire continent is at risk until Lusadia and Andova end this war.

My goal helps me keep going, even when it’s hard to sleep at night. ”

The earnestness in his tone loosened a knot in my stomach. “I won’t let you forget him.”

Kieran closed his eyes. “I won’t. Believe me, I won’t.” He took a deep breath and opened his eyes. “I understand that before Umara claimed you, you were in survival mode. But even so, I couldn’t stand you.”

I snorted. “Is that supposed to shock me?”

He hummed. “Maybe it wasn’t fair, but the world isn’t fair. If the mission wasn’t a decoy, you would have put the entire country at risk for a bit of coin.”

“More than ‘a bit of coin.’” I raised my hand in a vulgar gesture.

His lips twitched. “True. Now you’re in a position where you can help is all I’m saying. Your sister is well taken care of. The life you dreamed for her, you’ve achieved that—so long as you stay where you are.”

“I don’t give a shit about other people though. And I don’t want to become comfortable with murder. I’m not selfish for that. Don’t try to tell me I am. I don’t want to be used, Kieran.”

He tilted his head in consideration. “True. I won’t force your hand to murder anyone, Selena. I’ll do it myself. But regardless of what you want, there will always be people who use you.”

I scoffed. “If I stay, it doesn’t matter whether or not I make the kill. The blood will still be on my hands, because I’m allowing the murders to happen.”

“People die every day. Regardless if you run or not, Luther will continue to give heinous orders. You being there doesn’t change that.

Let me take your burden, Selena. Stay in the dragonsguard.

You can’t keep looking at the world like it’s black or white.

No one is ever truly free, not even Luther. ”

I snorted. “Now you’re really talking bullshit.”

Kieran met my gaze. “Luther was the first to claim his dragon, a full year before me. And in that year, he did the executions and continued to do so until I was thirteen. I remember watching his face after each one. He wasn’t good at masking his horror then.

When I offered to take over, he thanked me. ”

“He’s selfish. He let you, a thirteen year old, take over because he couldn’t handle his job. And then he became so horrible that he’d whip you for saving a life and disagreeing with him.”

Kieran shrugged. “He’s an ass. But that’s not the point.

You know, when he was fourteen, he fell in love.

Puppy love, but love, nonetheless. His father found out it was a serving girl and had her executed.

Didn’t want the commoners to get any ideas.

That’s why Aurelia claimed her dragon, because the former king said Luther could only marry a rider. ”

“That’s… I can’t see something like that happening.”

“Luther wasn’t the king yet, so he still had to answer to someone.

And when his father fell ill, Luther did the bare minimum for his care.

But I think the old man was eager to die.

His sins weighed on him, and he knew he left the kingdom the same as when he first took the throne—on the cusp of war. ”

I wrapped my arms around myself to fight off the chill icing my veins. “I never asked to be a soldier, and I don’t give a shit about Luther’s past. I want my sister with me.”

“Why not give it a year or two and then she will be?”

I scoffed. “And you can guarantee that? You said it yourself. Luther’s an ass. He only listens when he wants to. You might be able to sneak a visit, but you can’t sneak a whole person.”

“And the alternative is what? Running for the rest of your lives. You do that and you steal a world of opportunity from your sister. Even if you take gold before you run, Luther won’t let you go easily.

He’ll hunt you down. And when he catches you and your sister—because he will—it’ll be a fight to the death. ”

I clenched my jaw. “I just want her with me. Is that so bad to ask? I've raised her. She’s mine.” Out loud it sounded so ugly. I exhaled. “I want her to be happy and safe and healthy. But selfishly, I want her to have all of those things with me.”

Kieran reached forward. My heart stuttered when his hand landed on mine.

“You hate me, I know that. I’m not fond of you either.

You don’t give a shit about the war, but if Andova gets those eggs, they’ll come after us, and all of Lusadia will be a battle ground.

There will be nowhere to run. Nowhere safe for either of you. ”

His touch kindled a fire under my skin. I couldn’t move, and a large part of me didn’t want to. “So you’re saying my only option is to stay or die? Real inspiring. Even if we get those eggs, we’ll still be in another war. Andova will keep fighting.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. I’m saying if you want your sister to be happy and safe, you’ll stay in the dragonsguard.

You will always be in danger. That’s just how it is.

But your sister doesn’t have to be. I’m asking you to trust me.

Give me a year. If Luther doesn’t allow you to visit her regularly in a year, then I’ll take you. ”

The knot in my stomach wound even tighter. “How do I know you’re not lying? ”

“You don’t. You have to trust me.”

I laughed. “A tall order.”

“I’ve told you so many times. You’re important.

Possibly one of the most important people in the continent.

Just you working in the dragonsguard gives hope to so many people.

I can’t inspire that kind of motivation.

Not like you. If you can’t trust me at my word, trust in the fact that I want to use you.

I want you near me. I want to build a brighter future, and I can only do so with you by my side.

” His lips curved into a crooked smile. “What do you say? Will you stay by my side? I’ll take all the darkness, so you can shine in the light. It’d be my pleasure.”