Page 29 of A Game of Monsters (Realm of Fey #4)

It took almost two days to complete our journey. Two agonising days of dark thoughts plagued by the ‘what ifs’ for a future. And it was on the second night that Jesibel finally entered my dreams.

She parted from whisps of silver shadow, clutching a long stem in her hand crowned with the most luscious rose I’d ever seen. I barely got a word out before she handed it to me, the thorns sharp and yet they didn’t prick my thumb as I took it. I asked after Althea, and silently Jesibel nodded with a smile. No words came out as we conversed, at least from her. I asked Jesibel if Althea knew we lived, and she nodded again vigorously. Then I asked if she was well. A brief grimace passed across her face but lasted but a second. It was enough for me to know Althea was still okay, that she was holding on for help to come.

The dream stayed with me in the hours after I woke.

In an attempt to distract myself, I studied the patchwork map of the human realm, reminding myself of what we fought to protect. Erix carried me through the clouds, enough to keep us concealed and yet my fey sight caught hints of what lay beneath us.

I’d expected to see Cassial’s army as we reached Lockinge, but the city had been close to empty. A handful of humans stood beyond their homes, hands raised to their brows, as they watched our arrival.

To them, the flock of our Nephilim had arrived to join Cassial’s efforts against the fey. I felt their relief in every scream and cheer, a celebration as aid arrived. Erix held me closer to his chest, lifting high above the line of Nephilim, concealing our obvious unbelonging.

The same went for the flight across Durmain’s horizon. Towns, villages, hamlets and farmlands; it was all much the same. Empty. Quiet. As we came closer to Wychwood’s border, there was one detail that became prevalent – I saw no signs of people.

Where was everyone? Had the gryvern been successful with their attempts to remove humans, getting them away from the conflict? If that was the case, we would’ve seen leagues of people moving across the land.

So far, we hadn’t.

“It’s too quiet,” Erix announced as we landed after hours of flying on the second day. “It’s like we left here and have come back to find a realm of ghosts.”

It will be if we don’t save it , I thought.

Erix had voiced the concern that had grown inside of me. The last of our Nephilim army had just flown out of view, leaving us alone for the first time. They would stop only when they reached Cassial, slowly infiltrating his ranks, poisoning his army of Fallen with Faithful, without him realising.

“It is,” I agreed, looking out at the ramshackle farmland beyond the window. “And I don’t like it, not one bit.”

“Me neither, little bird,” he said, protectively stepping into me, not trusting even our own shadows. I glanced back at him to find his body slouched, a sickly pallor clinging to his once sun-kissed skin.

“I’ll be all right to carry on in a moment,” Erix announced, reading the concern in my eyes.

We had to catch up to Gyah and Seraphine, and as long as we kept pace, we’d be only hours behind them. But one look at Erix, that was all it took, and I knew he wouldn’t make it.

Exhaustion told stories across every line and shadow across his brilliant face.

“You need to rest,” I announced, leaving no room for him to refuse, nor did he try.

I looked around, scanning the area around me for an answer.

On all sides, fields of grazing livestock were left unattended. Chickens ran around without purpose. I’d lived near enough to farms like this that I recognised the keening screeches as requests for food, and the smell. In the distance was a ramshackle building, almost leaning to the left slightly as if the foundations were far too relaxed to hold it.

“Over there,” I said, pointing with one hand whilst taking Erix’s hand with the other. “We can afford a couple of hours to rest. Maybe we’ll find some answers as to why Durmain is so quiet…”

I was relieved to find the farmhouse empty, but it also added to my concerns as to why. There no one here. No one but me and Erix, filling the rooms of someone’s home like unwanted guests.

Erix had finished checking the small dwelling set into the farm’s heart, confirming it had been recently vacated. I tried to convince myself that whoever had been here had moved on to better things. But drawers were full of clothes, vegetables and meat were left to rot in their respective storages.

It was like the humans who lived here had upped and left with little notice.

Giving myself something to do, I knelt before the hearth, running fingers through cold soot. The stone around it was also cold to the touch, proving it had been some days since it was last lit.

“And your gryvern have shared the same update?” I asked again, stomach cramping from hunger and worry.

Erix nodded, hesitant eyes scanning the empty room as if an assassin would spring from the shadows and murder us. Distrust was evident in every crease in his brow and nibble of his lip. “It would seem that Cassial has already ordered the evacuation of any dwelling close to Wychwood. He beat us to it.”

“If that was the case, we would’ve seen those refugees making their way to Lockinge.” Yet the roads had been empty, the streets of the human city almost void of life. “Humans don’t just disappear in a matter of days, so where did they all go?”

“I don’t know,” Erix said, clearly displeased with the lack of knowledge. His eyes fluttered closed, his attempts to keep them opening failed over and over.

“No more questions and answers,” I said. “Get some more sleep.”

“If I can. Perhaps the Nephilim are built for such long journeys, but I feel like my wings are seconds from falling off. Hopefully when I wake my gryvern will have more news on the humans’ whereabouts, and you will have conversed with Jesibel on the passing of your messages.”

Erix looked like a man struggling. Shadows clung beneath his eyes, even the usual bright hue of silver looked more akin to dark storm clouds.

Unlike Erix, I’d slept some of the flight, finding it easy to focus on his heart’s canter and the beat of his wings. I’d woken when we passed over Lockinge, so I was as rested as I needed to be. We briefly stopped just south of the city, in a nondescript building that had once belonged to the Asps. I’d been inside it once, after we escaped Lockinge, only to return to it. In truth, with the combination of being close to the fey realm, and knowing Duncan was on his way to infiltrate Cassial’s league, I hardly imagined sleep would be a possibility until this was all over.

“Wake me in an hour,” Erix grumbled, head leant against the side of the worn chair.

“You can take more than a few hours,” I said. “If all goes to plan, Duncan will be able to reach Cassial just after Gyah reaches him. Then your gryvern will follow.”

“It is Gyah I am worried about,” Erix echoed my own unsaid thoughts.

“I trust Seraphine will not let any harm come to her,” I reminded him, and myself. “And Cassial is going to be so focused on the Wychwood border that Duncan’s attack will surprise him threefold and from three different sides. We must have faith that the distraction will be enough.”

Whatever game Seraphine played, it was full of overlapping lies. I trusted the Asp, or at least, I knew our hopes for a future were aligned. But she’d had a reason not to involve me in her plans. I just hadn’t worked out what those were yet.

“Are you trying to convince me, or yourself? Erix asked, a single brow raised.

It was natural for my mouth to draw into a tight line as I shrugged. “Both.”

The plan was simple, and really the only option we had. Duncan would take a handful of his followers to Cassial, leaving the rest nearby with Rafaela to await further commands. It was best Cassial didn’t discover the full might of the freed Nephilim.

A few of them would go unnoticed.

“No more talking,” I said, talking behind Erix and allowing a moment of selfishness. I placed hands on the back of the chair, leaned in and planted my lips to his. “The sooner you sleep, the sooner we reach Wychwood and catch Gyah before she makes any rash decisions.”

“Gyah is not one for rash decision making,” Erix said. “She is one for sharp teeth and vicious nails.”

That was exactly what I was worried about.

Before I could draw back, Erix planted a hand on my face. Erix’s eyes opened, as if the lack of my lips had suddenly sparked a bout of energy inside of him. “I’ll never get over this.”

“Over what?” I asked, ambling toward the kitchen, already aware of the handful of root vegetables that would be okay to eat. I was no cook, but I could whip something up for him.

“You. Me. Duncan.” Erix answered, whilst drawing out a pause between each word. Likely, for dramatic effect. He was like that. “The contrast between the world being under threat, and me finally having everything I have ever wanted. It is like I cannot allow myself to be happy, whilst the reality is that all I feel is happiness.”

“It’s odd, the feeling. But, if anything, it inspires the hope inside of me to burn that bit brighter.”

“ Hotter ,” Erix added. “I am glad our thoughts align, I worried that time apart would lift a haze from over us and you’d changed your mind.”

I shook my head. “Impossible.”

Erix may not have watched my lips crest into a smile, but I was confident he heard it in the light chirp of my voice. “If anything, it is giving me a real reason to continue it. I want this over so that the realms are saved. I want this over so that you never need to worry about danger again. And I want this over because the past two days without Duncan have been unbearable.”

Erix sighed, slouching into the chair as if it could swallow him whole. “I feel the same. So much has changed, hasn’t it?”

“I can hardly remember what came before all of this. If I think about it too much, I’ll lose my focus.” I let my eyes lose themselves in Erix – from the set of his jaw to the focus in his silver eyes. He was a fantastic distraction, but he was also so much more than that.

Yes, I missed Duncan like a gaping hole in my chest. But Erix was here, and that counted for something powerful. I needed him, and I wasn’t ashamed to admit that without him with me, I wouldn’t see this through.

“You need to put those worries out of your mind for now,” I said, gesturing to the worn reading chair set before the hearth. “I saw some food that would be edible in the kitchens. You’ll need as much replenishment as possible, before we need to move on. Rest whilst I will rustle something up.”

Erix attempted to wave me off, all whilst snuggling into the chair. “Don’t stray too far from me.”

I hesitated, fixing my eyes on the burning hearth before me. “Never.”

Erix mock-closed his eyes and pretended to snore. Little moments like that made me laugh, further proving how important his presence was for me.

I’d dumped a handful of potatoes, carrots and a chunky, wonky turnip into a large cooking pot, and filled it up with water from a pump outside in the yard. Once everything was prepared, I snuck it back into the same room Erix slept in. Trying everything in my power to keep quiet, I lowered the brass pot atop the hearth, allowing water to boil and vegetables to cook.

By the time he woke, it would be ready.

I felt, in a way, like I was playing house with Erix. Testing out what the world could be like, if we made it through. I sat and watch him for a while, drinking in his relaxed expression, the soft curve of his smile. I wondered what he dreamed of, hoped that whatever it was offered him reprieve from the horrors of the world.

I cringed when the vegetable broth – because soup was far too generous of a word – began to boil. The noise it made caused Erix to stir awake. It had barely been over an hour. My heart told me he needed more, whereas my soul was ready to leave for Wychwood.

“I really do love waking to this view,” Erix said as his sleepy eyes fixed on me across the room.

“And yet you still should be resting,” I said, getting up to remove the pot and stop it overcooking.

Erix yawned, mouth wide as a monstrous sound rumbled from the back of his throat. “Impossible when I have such company.”

“You always know what to say, don’t you?”

He lifted himself up, fixing his slumped posture. “When you have spent a long time apart from the person you love, you get a lot of time to overthink every little thing you would say if given the chance. I am, if anything, a well-practiced man.”

My skin warmed beneath his words, pleasant and needing. “You thought of me that much?”

“I did, back when I thought I had truly lost you, I found that imagining a tomorrow was more painful than remembering the past. It was the past, our memories, that got me through. Now, all I can do is look forwards. I don’t want to miss a moment of it.”

My hands shook as I carried the pot and rested it on cold stone slabs beyond the fireplace.

“And what do you want, when this is all over?” I asked, already knowing the answer, but desperately needing to hear it from his lips. “Indulge me, if you would. I want to hear your answer again.”

Erix sighed. Not a sad sigh, but one full of relief. “Exactly what I have got now. You, little bird. I want you. This. Duncan and the life we will all carve out together. Now that I understand that is a possibility, I can barely retract my claws from it. My answer will never change. Ask me it over and over, and you will always find the same, I promise.”

“As you’ve said, a lot has changed, and can again.” I hated to be the bearer of bad news, but I couldn’t sit here and play pretend. “Promising only leads to disappointment.”

“Lies. And how do I know? Because my feelings did not change before, so they will not going forwards.” Erix leaned up as much as his tired body allowed and patted his knee in invitation. “Life – that is what I want. A good one, with those I care deeply about.”

Not wanting to disappoint, I joined him, forgetting about the broth as I rested myself across his lap. Erix embraced me, laying a hand on my lower spine, the other wrapped around my waist.

There was no guilt anymore – not when sharing these moments with Erix. Yes, I thought of Duncan, and wished he could’ve been here with us. But I knew that this is what he’d want.

Duncan had brought us together, and for him, we would stay forged as one until he returned.

“I like the sound of that tomorrow,” I admitted. “But at some point, you are going to realise that there are other responsibilities awaiting you.”

This was the first time I’d laid a finger on the topic of Erix and what his blood tied him to since Elinor’s death.

“Such as?” he asked.

I almost didn’t answer, but what was the point of dancing around the facts? “Oakstorm is left without someone to rule it. Only you can take that mantle, Erix. If anything, it is what Elinor wanted.”

I felt him physically recoil beneath my touch. “That is not something I am ready to comprehend yet. I have spent most of my life running from the borders of Oakstorm, it is going to take more strength to turn back for it now.”

“Sometimes we have to put aside our desires, for the betterment of people who rely on us.” I turned to face him, laying both hands on his spread knees for support. “I might be wrong, but you look at Oakstorm as a place you inherited the bad sides of yourself from – sides that I don’t think are inherently bad, let me make that clear. And yet you didn’t only get those wings from your father, you have his blood, and with that, the right to rule. To change a place for the better, as you have changed me.”

Erix exhaled, tugging me closer. “Altar willing, we’ll have many tomorrows ahead of us. Maybe during one of them I can think about Oakstorm. But until then, I want to selfishly exist with you .”

“Well, you know I’ll be by your side when the time comes to make hard choices,” I whispered. “Just as you have done for me many times over.”

“No one wants a monster to rule Oakstorm, Robin.”

The use of my name shocked me. “You say that as if monsters have not ruled Oakstorm for generations.”

“You know what I mean,” he said, voice heavy with emotion. I knew there was much more to say, but Erix was still exhausted. Burdening him with the potential of responsibility, when tomorrow wasn’t even secure yet, was wasted effort.

I swivelled, enough to face him. Erix looked at me through the opening of one squinted eye. His smile was soft and genuine. I found myself looking across every inch of his face, drinking him in. His pores, the bow of his lips, the dark lashes that lined his eyes. I’d take in every detail until the image of him, in the dark of my mind, was fully formed.

“You really need to get some more sleep whilst you can,” I whispered.

“I know,” Erix said, fighting another yawn. “Just not yet. A few more moments of this bliss is better than any dream that will be offered to me.”

To help Erix relax, I came to stand behind his chair, and ran my palm across his head, brushing hair in languid strokes. His throaty groan told me it was exactly what he wanted, as did the hardening press of his cock, which pitched in his trousers.

“Better?” I whispered into his ear, lips brushing flesh.

“Mmhm.”

I continued to touch him with careful hands, guiding him into an existence where he could rest well.

“Little bird,” Erix whispered.

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked, noticing Erix clutch at his groin, the veins on the back of his hands bulging.

Getting Erix hard was certainly not the type of rest he needed.

“No. Please, do not stop. Not ever. I just… would you tell me what tomorrow looks like to you? I want to hear what you want when this is over. Paint the picture for me.”

“I can do that,” I said, running my fingers over his scalp, eliciting another moan from him. “But only if you close your eyes.”

“Don’t tell me what you think I want to hear,” he added, before shutting his lids. “I want to hear your truth.”

He’d asked me this question before, and my answer had been a lie. What do you want from the new world? How could I have answered that, knowing I didn’t plan to stay around and enjoy it.

But this was different.

So different.

I took a deep breath, moving my fingers from his scalp to the side of his face. Before I began, I offered him another kiss, something soft. He puckered into me, longing to keep the kiss going, even as I pulled back.

Then I answered, pulling my truth from the inside of my soul. “I want to return home, with you and Duncan beside me. Not to Icethorn, a castle full of empty memories. But to Grove, back in the house I grew up in with my father. I want to spend days locked inside, living in my truth, with the two men who helped me find it. I want to see humans and fey as one, no longer separated by the past. I’m a bad king, Erix. I never wanted it, never asked for it. I tried to play pretend, but that path was never meant for me. And do you know something? I never truly believed in a home.

I spent my youth wondering after my mother, chasing after her ghost, believing I’d find the place I belonged when I finally reached her. Along the way, as I finally got everything I thought I wanted… I found out that I was wrong. Because it wasn’t the destination my soul craved, but the people I found along the way. You, Erix. Duncan too. Those were not split pathways to the end of my story, but a single one that broke off but found its way coming back together. Because the crux of what I want for my tomorrow, is allowing myself to accept that I deserve one. And I deserve you. I deserve Duncan. And I believe that you deserve me, just as Duncan does. That is what I want.” I paused, gathering my breath for the last part of my truth. “I want the home I believed I was searching for, but realised that I found it, long before I truly understood it.”

By the time I’d finished, Erix’s breathing had evened out. A smile was painted across cherry-red lips. His grasp of my hip eased enough for me to pull away without resistance. As much as I longed to sleep alongside him, to enjoy his touch and the gentle brush of his breath against my skin, I couldn’t.

I leaned in, bringing my lips to the smooth skin of his forehead. “I love you, Erix. So much. I always did. It’s my pleasure to chase tomorrows with you. Always.”

The final kiss was light. I expected Erix to wake, but he didn’t. He was far too exhausted. I sat myself beside the burning hearth, feeling the heat radiate off the warmed pot.

I thought of everyone I met along the way, those lost and found, who helped write this story. Those whose lives facilitated this very moment being possible. And, as I stared into the dancing flames, I silently thanked them. Allies and enemies. Because the path may have been treacherous, but we’d made it this far. And I planned to make it to the very fucking end.

For Duncan. For Erix. And, most importantly, a truth I finally recognised and accepted, I’d do it, for me .