Page 17 of A Game of Monsters (Realm of Fey #4)
I longed to compliment Erix on how he looked, but the words turned to ash on my tongue. After what I’d done in the bath, followed by the interaction with Duncan, I could hardly breathe around him let alone speak.
Duwar was playing with me like a dog with a bone, chewing and gnawing until I was nothing but a husk. And it was working, quicker than I cared to admit.
Instead of looking ahead at the ballroom – the marble floor glittering like an ocean of white which caught the glow of the countless burning sconces, displays of white and red roses, music swelling up the large stone walls which reverberated the delicate tune – I stared at Erix’s profile.
To the man who Duncan brought back into my life, two times over.
Handsome almost seemed like a pointless word to use, as though it didn’t hold enough power for how he looked. Ethereal worked better, but how could I possibly say that to him? Truth be told, Erix was trying everything in his ability not to look at me. I sensed his hesitation as if it was my own. He’d let his control slip when he welcomed me outside of my rooms earlier. His mouth had dropped open, his words lost to him, as I stepped out in my outfit. I’d felt his eyes trace me, up and down, multiple times.
Then, as he’d offered his arm for me to take, he muttered a single word that’d followed me all the way through the castle. “Beautiful.”
How could I follow that up? Not only the use of the word, but the emotion behind it.
Since then, he had done his very best to control himself.
At least one of us had that ability.
Erix was dressed in silver armour, the metal thin to allow for movement. A grey cloak hung over his back, parting to allow room for his wings. His jaw was sharper than the stitched lines of the Icethorn emblem across his cloak, or the edges of his shoulder guards that looked like scales.
If Erix noticed I’d been looking up at him all this time, he didn’t reveal it. Instead, his eyes levelled across the room, drinking in the scene of fey, human and Nephilim, dancing together, or drinking from stemmed glasses, or hovering around elaborate tables of food.
“I should go and…”
“Mingle?” Erix answered for me, still trying everything in his power not to look at me. “Yes, perhaps you should.”
Even as he said it, the hand he’d laid over mine hadn’t moved. It was anchored to me, keeping me in place, keeping me with him .
No one approached us where we stood to the side of the room. Erix had the aura of a guard dog on duty, his constant scowl warding anyone off. Not that there was anyone who’d approach anyway. The Nephilim showed no interest, likely all sharing the same disdain for me as Cassial and Zarrel did. Althea and Gyah were sitting alone – well, Althea was draped across Gyah’s lap whilst she was fed grapes one at a time. I spotted Elinor Oakstorm being swept around the dedicated dance floor in the centre of the room, the human she was with looking exhausted but thrilled by the prospect of dancing with a fey queen.
“They all look so happy, don’t they?” I said, numb to my core. “Not a care in the world.”
This was the picture of a peaceful world I’d painted with brushes of lies and deceit.
“It must be nice,” Erix replied, his brow pinching. “To go about life without knowing that more sacrifices must be made. That pain waits around every corner. I envy them, but at the same time I know that they deserve this.”
It was the pain in Erix’s voice that caught me off guard. I looked back to him and found that he was finally looking at me.
“Are we going to pretend that the thing still bothering you is not worth speaking about?” I asked.
Erix screwed his mouth up. “I am that obvious?”
“I just know you, Erix.” I narrowed my eyes on him, and for a moment I found myself transported to another place during another time. “Do you remember the first ball we experienced together?”
“Of course I do.”
“Is that what’s on your mind?”
Erix nodded, his nose scrunching up. “So much has changed since then, hasn’t it? The world is completely different. And here we are still standing in the corner, whilst everyone else around us can exist in ignorant bliss. At least this time you are not drunk on fey wine.”
“I wasn’t drunk,” I said. “I was tipsy – there’s a difference.”
“You were brash and careless. And it was my job to look after you, a task you made hard during every second.”
I withdrew my hand, despite Erix’s unconscious attempt to keep it on his arm. “Then I command that you have a night off your duties, Erix. If you want to go and enjoy yourself, do it. You don’t need to stand with me. It’s not like anyone is going to come and bother me anyway. There is no threat of poison this time round either, no assassins lurking as friends, no monsters waiting to snatch me away and destroy me. This is the peace we have fought for, you might as well start to enjoy it, whether it is real or not.”
“And what if I am content being with you?” Erix’s tone dropped, the seriousness of his words working into my skin. “It isn’t fair. We can’t even pretend that everything is okay.”
“We can try–”
“No,” Erix snapped, exhausted. “What I’d give for just one night – one night where we do not have to worry about what is coming tomorrow. But what bothers me the most is, if I am feeling like this, I can only imagine how you are suffering. No matter what I would give to change it, I will never have the power to fix the world for you.”
He turned and fixed his eyes on me, the first time since welcoming me outside of my rooms. The air cracked, a spark of something powerful and breathtaking threading around us.
“I’m fine,” I lied, but if anyone would know, it was Erix. “Or at least I will be. Soon .”
Erix was silent for a moment, as though taking in my words and deciding how much weight they had to them. “Do you know what I want most in this world?”
I dared not ask, but the question came out anyway. “What?”
He took a deep breath in through his nose, filling his body with the confidence required to answer. “I wish to see you smile again. Not those fake smiles you plaster across your face when you think the time requires it. I mean the real ones, the type which lighten your face from the inside out. It’s been so long since the last time I saw one, and every second that passes without one, I feel as though the world is not worth it. What good am I to you, if I cannot make that happen?”
I couldn’t stop the words from flowing out of me. “You have no idea just how your presence alone is helping me, do you?”
Silver eyes held onto my gaze, unwavering. “Duncan deserves to be here with you. Not me.”
“I want him here too,” I said, clutching at my chest from the sudden pain. “But that isn’t to say that I wouldn’t want you here as well. Erix, I suggest you should stop worrying about what you think I deserve, and just ask me next time.”
Erix’s breath hitched, his shoulders rolling back. “Then tell me, little bird. What is it you deserve?”
I was faced with the question, in reality, I was too weak to answer it. Instead of coming out right and saying that I wanted them both – or maybe that was just a new desire that Duwar’s taunting made me contemplate as a possibility – I manipulated my answer to stay on the right side of the line between us.
“A distraction,” I replied. “From my mind, and my responsibilities.”
Erix loosed a broken gasp, his eyes widening a fraction. “It has been a long time since you asked that of me. Different circumstances, different outcomes.”
My knuckles brushed his, only for a moment.
“I think we both deserve a night off, don’t you? A night where we don’t think about anything but the moment. Consider it a challenge, we both distract each other, and at least try to enjoy ourselves. Play the parts of king and royal guard, as we have done before. If not for ourselves, at least to keep up pretences for everyone watching. Just as you wanted.”
“Pretences,” Erix repeated, taking the reason of my words in, allowing his body to react before he added. “Do you remember what you did, the last time we were at a ball?”
“I got tipsy ,” I answered, finding the swell of heat at the memory. “You just reminded me of that.”
That wasn’t what Erix was suggesting, and I knew it. But for the safety of this strange boundary between us, out of respect for Duncan, I refused to answer with the truth.
“Hmm. Do you plan to repeat history tonight?” Erix asked. “Cassial has likely requested every possible bottle of wine and ale across Durmain. There is enough to last a lifetime in this very room.”
I shook my head. “I hope I don’t disappoint you with my answer, but I would very much like to just dance.”
Erix laughed. “Dance? Robin Icethorn wishes to dance?”
It was a risk, doing this with Erix. Getting close, knowing what was to come. But more than anything, I forgot that he would be left behind when my plan was successful. He deserved a memory that would make him smile – one he could take with him into the future.
“Not the type of distraction you expected me to ask for, was it?”
His cheeks flushed red. Erix dropped his silver eyes to our held hands and answered. “Well, I am sure Duncan would murder me himself if he heard I refused you a dance.”
The mention of Duncan almost had me backing out. I longed for him to be here, holding my hand, throwing ourselves into a dance with nothing but joy and excitement for a future holding us together. But he was not here. And if he was, my mind would be split to another. To Erix. I would always think about him.
My mind was a storm, occupied by two men, both of whom I would never get the chance to have again.
“One night of distractions,” I said, shaking his hand. “Nothing… untoward. Just friends, enjoying each other’s company.”
“Just friends,” Erix echoed, doing well to hide the disappointment from his expression. “One night, I can do one night. Now, about that dance.”
I gave up control, willingly. For Erix, I told myself, as he pulled my arm and guided me into the heart of the room. Everywhere was loud with the noise of chatter, music and enjoyment – but nothing could conceal the sound of Erix’s cloak trailing the ground, or my heartbeat which found its way up into my throat.
I wondered if he felt it, the quickening thump as his hand held mine. Because his heart was a canter, tickling the soft of my palm, telling me the story of his innermost feelings.
We came to a stop just as the excitable sway of music shifted into a languid song. I would’ve cared for those who watched on, if Erix’s intensity wasn’t so devouring. Beneath his gaze, the way his breath caught as he peered down his nose at me, nothing else seemed to matter.
“Follow my lead, little bird,” Erix whispered as he positioned my hands, one on his hip, the other held tight in his.
“Always,” I replied, gaze down on our feet.
With the tip of his boot, he moved my feet into a wider stance. I felt silly, being moved around like a puppet by someone else, but I didn’t stop him. There was something truly all-consuming about giving up my control. But part of the power came from allowing myself to hand it to Erix.
We began to move to the music, finding the rhythm, our feet carefully stepping around one another, making sure not to trip or step on toes. It took little time for the music to fade into the background, until the only beat I cared about was our breathing. It entwined together like the vines of roses, weaving and knotting, until it would never break apart.
“This certainly never happened the last time we were at a ball together,” Erix said as he spun me, the room and crowd becoming a blur. “You were too busy causing me grief, and getting in my face with threats, if memory serves me.”
“Consider yourself fortunate to get a second chance with me.”
I looked away quickly, blushing, hating myself for enjoying this closeness. There was a guilt that came to giving up everything to Erix. Until I reminded myself that this was for him.
I did this for him – because this wasn’t only the second chance but the only chance.
As Rafaela said, I had my goodbyes to make. I considered this act my first.
“When this is all over, what do you want from the new world?” I asked him, aware of the room blurring around us as we spun and wove amongst other dancing couples. “Indulge me with your answer.”
It was a question I’d wondered about. Erix had only ever shown interest in helping me, but he had to have a plan for the future. Something he desired beyond my orbit.
Erix took a moment to ponder my question. All without his steel-hued eyes leaving me. “To live long enough to see you find true happiness.”
A blush crept up my neck, staining my cheeks. “You couldn’t have just said something simple, like building a home, or starting a chicken farm…”
“That is secondary,” Erix said, his voice so soft it was a miracle I could hear it. “Anyway, when have I ever showed interest in chickens, Robin?”
I shrugged, spinning again as Erix led me around the room. “I don’t know. You must have had interests long before I stumbled into your life. Surely, something you could take with you.”
“If you asked me what I had wanted before that fateful day I saved you–”
“Saved me?” I squawked. “From how I remember it, I saved myself. Or did I imagine freezing that Hunter’s body in half?”
Erix narrowed his eyes at me, smiling naturally at the memory. “Regardless of the intricacies, if you asked me that question, I would have answered that I only ever wanted freedom. I had run from my home, run from the truth of what I was to Doran. But you, in a way, already gave me everything I wanted. Consider me a partially fulfilled man.”
It was brief, but Erix’s gaze wandered from me toward where Elinor was dancing, the Nephilim she now spun with smiling brightly. Their whoops of enjoyment were a blessed song, far more potent than the one the band of musicians made with instruments of wood.
“Only partially?” I retorted, aware I was treading on uneven ground. “It sounds like there is still more you want, if you aren’t entirely satisfied.”
“Well, that would depend,” Erix withdrew his eyes from Elinor Oakstorm, back to me. “There are others who have plans for me.”
All this time, and I hadn’t asked Erix what Elinor wanted to speak with him about. “Is home calling for you again?”
Home . The Oakstorm Court.
“It is.”
“And do you want to go?”
Erix settled his eyes back on me, and I felt the force like a blow to the soul. “I have explained to Elinor that I will need time to think over her offer . Until then, you are my focus.” A flash of sadness passed over him, darkening his eyes to grey storm clouds. “What do you want, little bird, when this is all over?”
“Don’t divert the conversation. I asked you first.”
“And I answered.” Erix swung me around, dizzying my mind.
“That isn’t good enough.”
“Sometimes in life we do not always get what we want. But there is a beauty in giving up on one’s deepest desires, if you know it is for a good reason. Is that good enough?”
His answer was as sharp as a two-sided blade. Simultaneously, he answered my initial question, and my response to him refusing me a complete answer, all in one.
It was my turn to answer. “I want Duncan to be well again, but more than that I want him to thrive in life. His upbringing was… tortured. His adulthood has hardly been any better. I wish for him to experience life where nothing but love surrounds him, because that is what he deserves.” I choked so suddenly, balking on the tears that ached at the back of my throat. Swallowing them down, I managed to continue. “And I want you to find another purpose in life. Something that will be your duty, and your pleasure, considering those are your favourite two words.”
“Opposed to this life I have?” Erix asked, head slightly tilted.
“Opposed to me .”
My final word had the power to stop our dance.
Erix looked at me with such intensity, my knees almost buckled. “Impossible, little bird.”
I looked away, trying to locate Althea and Gyah in the crowd, but when I needed them most, I couldn’t find them. Not that I blamed them, this entire night was a pompous affair.
Suffocating on the tension, I pulled my hand from his, searching for an exit from the dance floor. I spotted grand open doors, leading out to a balcony. If I was not so desperate for fresh air, perhaps I would’ve remembered what happened the last time Erix and I left a ball together. Althea wouldn’t be here to stop us from making a mistake this time.
“Come with me for some fresh air,” I commanded. “They say the view from Lockinge Castle is one that would rival the city of Aurelia.”
“My view here is just fine,” Erix said, looking nowhere else but at me.
I couldn’t form a reply. Instead, I tugged his hand, and Erix did as I asked. I felt him trail behind me, like a shadow. There were few constants in my life, but regardless of what happened – the trauma and horrors – Erix always found his way back.
The cool night air encased us the moment we stepped outside of the ballroom. I moved straight for the stone railing, gripping it for support, whilst I swept my gaze out across Lockinge. From this vantage, I could see the entire city. It was aglow with light, homes and establishments open late, preparing for the worldwide celebration of tomorrow’s wedding. Nephilim patrolled the skies, some airborne whilst others were perched upon buildings.
Whatever had spooked Cassial had put the city under an intense guard.
A shiver crested over me, not unnoticed by Erix. It wasn’t from the cold breeze, but the discomfort of this final conversation I knew I had to have with him. Erix knew that too, but still he unclasped his cloak from his shoulders, and swept it over mine.
“I want to thank you,” I said without taking my eyes off the view.
“Is this why you brought me out here?” Erix asked. “I sense there is something you want to say to me, something that could not be said on the dance floor.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat, knowing my next words had to be careful.
“I don’t deserve you, Erix. Your loyalty, your… friendship.” I didn’t need to look at his face to know that word pained him. “But I’m going to ask something of you, something I have no right to, but I will ask it anyway because my track record of being selfish in my requests is impressive, so why stop now?”
Erix stepped up beside me, wings splaying enough to block out the ballroom behind us. Here, together, we existed only as one. “My greatest strength is my greatest weakness. Little bird, if you asked me to jump over this very balcony, I would.”
“For a man with wings, that doesn’t hit the same way you may think it would,” I replied, my lips turning upwards at their corners.
“The sentiment is what matters,” he replied.
“Why though?” I chirped, knowing my self-control was waning like the moon hung as witness above us. “Why be so willing to do such a thing for a person like me.”
“Because I love you,” Erix said plainly and without pause. “I have and will for a long time. And with that love comes the knowledge that I can never have you. I am content with that. Because knowing that another man shares the same feeling for you only makes me happy. I did not expect that was possible, but I guess my desire to see you cared for outweighs my need to be the one to provide it to you. That is why.”
I fixed my eyes on the distant gates of the city, careful not to blink. If I did, the tears would stream, and I was so tired of crying. Unable to stand the silence, I pretended as though I had not heard Erix, and continued with my own request.
“What I need you to do for me will hurt you. But I’m too much of a monster not to ask it of you.”
Erix stepped closer, his shadow falling upon me. “I will do anything.”
His fingers tickled over the railing, coming to rest beside mine. The warmth he offered, the comfort – from his touch alone, gave me the power to force the final words out.
I turned to him, mere inches between us. He gazed down, as I looked up, our breaths coming out in clouds of mist beyond parted lips.
“What is it, Robin?” He asked, laying a hand on the side of my face, thumb brushing the pesky tear that fell from the corner of my eye.
“Look after Duncan for me,” I said without hesitation. “Whatever happens, whatever comes from the fight ahead of us, I want you to always look out for him.”
Erix’s eyes widened a fraction, as if working out the final secret I’d not shared with him. “That is not a request you ever need to ask of me. You love him, so naturally I care for him. Anyone with the power to make you happy becomes an important asset in life. But…” Erix took a sharp breath in, using the moment to gather control of his wild emotions. “Why would you ask this of me, if you will be around to care for him?”
I looked away, unable to hold his stare, and that was answer enough. Before I could completely turn my back on him, a finger found my chin and turned my face back to his.
“Do not hide from me, little bird.”
Overcome with the maelstrom that was my emotions, I did the impossible. It was the only thing I could think to do to stop Erix from pressing me for questions. My desperate attempt to run away from a conversation I knew would happen.
I lifted myself up on my toes and pressed my lips to his cheek.
My eyes closed, misjudging my aim until the corner of his mouth brushed the edge of mine. Trembling fingers found their way to the side of Erix’s face, holding him there to stop him from drawing away, or moving the kiss to his mouth. But he didn’t even attempt to.
His body was frozen, likely from shock, maybe disgust.
Erix’s skin was as soft as I remembered. I wished he wasn’t so welcoming, because I would’ve pulled back sooner. However, I was no strong man. And I didn’t know just how much I’d needed this until it happened.
A discomfort sparked in my gut, but I battered it down. This kiss wasn’t for me or my twisted wants, it was for Erix. My final goodbye, my way of closing a door, my attempt to settle peace: to leave him with a memory of me that would last an age.
The regret and guilt built in the seconds after I drew away. A tidal wave that swept at my body, pushing me back until the stone railing stopped me. Whereas my eyes were open and searching, Erix had his closed. He didn’t open them for a while, not until he slowly lifted a finger to his cheek, convincing himself that the moment was real.
But by the time he opened his eyes, I was gone.
I moved on swift feet, sinking my teeth into my lower lip to stop myself from breaking.
I didn’t remember getting to my bedchamber and closing the door. Not until I slumped down from it, staring numbly ahead at the empty room.
What I was left with was the feeling of his kiss – no matter how reluctant it was – painted across my mouth. Even as the tears fell over my mouth, the salt tickling across my tongue, I knew there was nothing in the world with the power to make me forget those seconds with him.
Not a few minutes later, I heard the familiar gait of feet beyond my closed door. They paused just outside. In my mind’s eye I imagined Erix standing there, knuckles raised, wondering if he should knock or not.
He didn’t. Not long after, the door to his room clicked open, and then closed, and I was left to simmer in this guilt. I found the mirror that I had slipped under the bed when I arrived, the one I was frightened to look in and see Duwar. Withdrawing it from the shadows, I held it up to my face and stared at my red-stained eyes, my blushed lips and the etching of pure agonising guilt that told stories upon my face.
I willed Duwar to show himself, for Duncan to follow so I could reveal the truth about kissing Erix’s cheek and explain myself. Only my reflection haunted me, for hours of looking until my eyes ached, no demon showed themselves.
I was alone, suffering and yet knowing that my actions were my only option.