Page 22 of A Game of Monsters (Realm of Fey #4)

We found a cabin which must’ve belonged to the captain, from the grandeur of it. This was no bunk for those without a station, from the large oak bed to the well-crafted furniture and plush curtains and rugs – this belonged to a person of importance.

Had belonged, I corrected.

The bed took up the back wall, large enough for the Nephilim to sleep in, accommodating their wings. A case of gold weapons hung on the wall: swords, spears, daggers and a strange ball-shaped weapon attached to a chain and a handle. Erix was looking at it, pretending to keep busy, whilst the awkward silence hung heavy around us.

“How are you feeling?” I asked Duncan, although the evidence was clear before me.

He didn’t look well at all.

It was hard to look at him for long, to see the shadows beneath his eyes, the sickly pallor of his skin. Duncan looked like he’d been to hell and back, which in a sense, he had. Sometimes by my own hand. When he moved, I caught a glimpse of the multiple angry wounds at the side of his neck. Marks I’d made with the continuous injections of Gardineum.

If those were the wounds I could see, I hated to think of the scars left that my eyes could not reach.

“Free,” Duncan answered, back hunched as he sat on the edge of the bed. Even the slightest movement made him wince. “I would say I’m relieved, but the cost of my freedom is far too great. I was hoping, for good or bad, that I would perish and take Duwar with me – but you had other ideas, darling.”

Duncan had just confirmed, in a manner of speaking, that the glass I found beneath his pillow was meant for harming himself.

I sat beside him, feeling the bed shift beneath my weight. “I’m so sorry for–”

“ Don’t .” Duncan placed a hand on my knee and squeezed. It took him considerable effort just to do that. “Don’t apologise to me, Robin. Everything you did was because you loved me, I know that. I have no ill will toward you. I’m just relieved we even get to have this conversation in the first place.”

I hung my head, chin to chest. “But what else can I say? After what I’ve done to you, I should grovel at your feet for forgiveness.”

Not only for the pain I caused, but for the pain I was about to give him.

“Darling, please,” Duncan exhaled. “As much as I like the idea of you being on your knees for me, perhaps we can wait until I’m feeling better. I fear that I can barely sit up properly.”

I turned to face him, just in time to catch his wink. Even in his state, Duncan could find his mischievous side. Altar, I’d missed that. Missed him . In a sense, I had mourned Duncan long ago, feeling as though a moment like this would never happen.

Now I was faced with the conversation I dreaded.

I cleared my throat, finding it dry and in dire need of water. “There is something I need to tell you, Duncan.”

At that, Erix turned on his heel across the cabin and faced us. “It wasn’t Robin’s fault,” Erix snapped. “If anyone should be laying their sins on the table, it is me.”

Duncan looked between us, his bloodshot eyes slow to follow. When he blinked, his eyes would stay closed for a second longer than normal. I took his hand from my knee, threaded my fingers between his and melted beneath the true warmth of his touch.

“No,” I said to Erix, then faced Duncan. “No, I won’t let him do that.”

“Do what?” Duncan asked, eyes widening a fraction.

“Erix is doing the gallant thing and trying to take the blame for something that happened between us. But it was entirely my doing. My fault. I will not have anyone in this room thinking otherwise.”

“Robin,” Erix said, voice stern, attempting to stop me. “This is not blame you need to burden right now.”

“Both of you, just stop.” Duncan laid weak fingers on my knee and squeezed, his words shocking me to silence. “If this is about the kiss-on-the-cheek incident, you really have nothing to worry about.”

“You know?” I asked, tears stinging my eyes.

“I do. However, it’s something I expected to happen; after all, I brought you together for a reason.”

I shook my head, doing everything not to look him in the eyes. “But I kissed him, Duncan. I kissed Erix, cheek or not. Regardless of whether you know or not, you deserve to hear the truth from me, and the apology that you are owed.” The tears began to fall, cresting over my cheeks, clearing a path through the grime coating my skin. “Whilst you were suffering in Icethorn by my hand and decisions, I was in Lockinge trying to find a solution. And… I betrayed you.”

I bowed my head, but my chin was caught by two firm, calloused fingers.

Duncan lifted it back up, so our eyes met. “Is that all? Is that the only burden that weighs on your morality?”

Is that all? Three words, one question, and I found myself almost admitting that it could not have been. More could have happened. I searched for comfort in Erix, almost selfishly laying myself next to him in bed. Not to mention Duwar’s dreams. My betrayal to Duncan went far beyond that kiss.

I dared not speak, so instead I just nodded my head.

“Why are you crying, Robin?” Duncan swept the tears from my cheeks. “I don’t understand why you are reacting in such a way?”

“Because I love you, and I did the unspeakable. I broke your trust…”

I caught Erix in the corner of my vision. His knuckles were between his teeth, his brow furrowed so deep the lines across his forehead were cavernous.

Duncan pondered my reply, drinking me in, refusing to look away. “I don’t doubt that you love me, darling. But I do doubt that you really believe you broke my trust.” He took a deep breath in, the sound harsh as it rattled in his chest. “Let me tell you both this, plain and clear, you have broken no trust, nor have you done anything I did not prepare for.”

“I… missed you–” I choked. “I swear. Everything I was doing, everything I planned for, was to help you.”

“I know, darling.” Duncan trailed his trembling fingers and placed them over my cheek. He was so cold to the touch, the tips of his fingers like ice. “However, since we are in the conversation of truths, I want to ask you something. I beg that you answer it honestly.”

I knew what was coming before the words left Duncan’s paled lips. “I’ll do my best.”

Duncan’s eyes lifted to Erix and rested there. “Do you love him ?”

Him. Erix. My Erix.

I pinched my eyes closed, blocking out the view of the room. It was as if Erix held his breath for my answer, whereas Duncan’s breathing was even, his heart beating calmly in the tips of his fingers.

I thought of Elinor and how quickly someone could be taken away. My mind went to Gyah and how she was needing to exist knowing the love of her life was in the hands of our enemy.

If Erix had died… it would have destroyed me.

The answer was simple.

“Yes,” I said, the only word I required to share. “Yes, I do.”

It took bravery for me to open my eyes and see the reaction, but I did it. Because if it caused Duncan pain, I deserved to see it. I couldn’t hide anymore. Not from reality – not from what I wanted.

Erix stood stockstill, silent, his hand now at his side. Silver eyes were fixed to me, so bright I blamed the light coming in from the porthole, only to find that it was tears in his eyes that made them glow.

“I should go,” Erix said suddenly, body springing into flight, ready to run away from the ruins my admission had likely caused. “We are exhausted, and our worlds have been turned upside down. Robin – you don’t know what you are saying…”

I longed to tell him to stay, but it was Duncan who spoke for me, again . In fact, he gestured to the bed at my side and gave Erix a command. “Sit, Erix. Don’t run from this. Life is far too precious to waste, especially in the face of a chance like this. Especially when I know how you really wish to respond to Robin’s admissions. Walk out that door and you will regret it, I know you will.”

I held my breath as Erix pondered Duncan’s request. It felt like hours went by before he made his decision and walked away from the door. He paced the room, closing the space between us, then sat at my side.

I was sandwiched between the two most important men in my life.

“I need you both to listen to me very carefully,” Duncan began, leaning forwards so he could see Erix. There was nothing sad in his verdant eyes, no nuance of an expression to suggest that he was surprised or hurt by what I’d said. “I haven’t flirted with death, been given a second chance at life, only to waste it.”

“You barely look like you have been given that chance yet, Duncan,” Erix said, eyeing him from across me, drinking in the same weak state. “This conversation can wait until after you are healed.”

“It will happen now,” Duncan said, but I sensed there was more to it. Something Duncan was not telling us.

Losing Elinor had been the trigger for me to stop hiding the feelings inside. The guilt, the angst, the turmoil. What did it all matter if, one day, I didn’t have the chance to ever say it.

“I was the one who brought you both together,” Duncan said. “Me. And I did it because I love Robin so much, that even in the face of my potential demise, I knew I couldn’t leave him alone in this world. And Erix.” He spoke directly to the man at my right. “I trust no one else, in this realm or the next, to care for Robin like I do, besides you . I recognise that you care for him, with the same intensity that I do. In fact, I have known as much since you saved me from Imeria. I’d be a fool not to see it, and a double fool to not use that to my advantage.”

“It was my duty to look out for Robin,” Erix said, hands fiddling on his lap . It was my pleasure. “As his guard, I only did what I had to do.”

Duncan released a small laugh. “Don’t lie to me, Erix, or yourself. You deserve better than that. In this room, we only speak from a place of honesty. Unless you wish to tell me that I’m wrong, and you don’t hold a flame for Robin? Look him in the eyes and tell him that you don’t care for him in equal measure to me.”

I already knew the answer, because Erix told me during the night of the ball.

I was about to turn away, but something in the intensity of Erix’s gaze had me pausing. Then the words left his mouth, I felt my entire body crumble.

“I love him with every fibre of my being,” Erix admitted. “If it came to it, I would lay my life down for him happily, if it meant he got to survive another day.”

My hand moved without thought. It was a need – a desperate and selfish desire that had no concerns. With my left fingers entwined with Duncan, I put my right hand upon Erix’s balled fist.

Like a flower blooming beneath spring sun, his fist uncurled, and my hand melted into his.

“This isn’t fair,” I said, speaking to both of them. “You deserve someone who can give you their entire heart. Not half of it. Both of you.”

“Darling,” Duncan said softly. “A heart is not something you can split. Mortals are not bound by such constraints. You admit you love me, and you love Erix. To me, the path forwards is clear. But it is a path that we can only take together, not only hand in hand, but side by side.”

Erix’s eyes widened. “The dreams. The visions that plagued me every night. Those were because of you, weren’t they?”

Duncan nodded, his thumb brushing circles on mine. “Courtesy of Duwar. The Gardineum may have kept me asleep, the iron may have dulled my magic, but nothing could truly dampen the power source that is Duwar. I couldn’t use it often without my body paying the price – but in moments when I knew it was desperate, I tried to bring you together. And now we are here, alive, with the potential of a tomorrow ahead of us, I think it is time we discuss it.”

My cheeks bloomed with heat, knowing that the dreams I’d had, had potentially been shared with Erix.

“What are you suggesting, Duncan?” Erix asked, voice calm although his face was pinched, revealing his internal struggle.

“Boundaries. But the way forwards is not for me to come up with alone. It is not only Robin’s desires that matter, but ours also. We must all be on the same page. Up until now I simply laid out the possibility of a path, but without the consent of all parties, what is possible will be meaningless. We can walk out this door knowing we tried, that’s what matters.”

I fixed my eyes on an unimportant place upon the floor. This conversation, although breathtaking, was almost ill-placed. After everything that had happened, I couldn’t help but feel as if this could’ve waited. But Duncan spearheaded it, and it had to be for a reason.

One I was far too frightened to accept yet.

“I have so much I want to say, but I don’t know where to start,” I said.

“Then say it all, Robin. I need to hear the words come from you.” There was a pleading edge to Erix’s tone. “Tell us what you want.”

“I don’t know,” I said, finding lying easier.

“Yes, you do,” Duncan replied. “I’m not telling you how to react, nor am I asking you to provide me with an answer right now if you are not ready to give it.” Duncan paused, taking a hulking breath in, as though what he had to say next required it. “But I am suggesting an option for us all. One where the three of us can be… one.”

Erix stood abruptly. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose, his eyes screwed shut. I jolted up to reach for him, but it was too late. My right hand felt empty without him, as if a physical piece of me had suddenly been taken away.

“I fear I have pushed this too quickly,” Duncan said, leaning back, eyes blinking closed.

“I should go and help… they might need me.” Erix reached the door in four large strides.

“Erix,” I called after him.

Duncan pulled me back. “Let him go. Choice is important, he deserves to make his own when he is ready. As do you.”

I tugged free of Duncan’s hand, only to regret it when he grunted in pain. I was literally stuck between them both, unsure if I should go after Erix, or help Duncan as he suffered.

“Erix, please,” I begged, just as he took a step outside the door.

“Little bird, I am not walking away from you, or Duncan.” He stopped, long enough to look back at me. “I just need some fresh air. Time to think. Today has been… a lot.”

How could I refuse that? In what realm did I have the justification to tell Erix how to feel or how to react?

“Will you come back?” I asked, voice cracking with hopefulness. “I don’t… I can’t lose you too.”

In a manner of speaking, I had just told Erix what I wanted. Him. Duncan. Both of them. A tomorrow when we could all be as one. Even if that tomorrow was under threat every second that passed.

It was impossible to keep Althea’s capture from my head. It sprung out of the shadows, like an assassin, ready to slay me with the reality that she was gone. Losing her reminded me what was important in life.

Erix bit down on his lower lip, contemplating my request. “That’s the problem, little bird. I’m strong enough to know that I could never leave you for long.” He settled silver-clad eyes on Duncan and added. “Nor you, Duncan.”

Then, with that, Erix left us.

The door swung shut behind him, leaving me to simmer in the possibilities. I stood there, rooted to the spot, staring at the door as if Erix would come barrelling through it again.

When he didn’t, I released a heavy sigh and faced Duncan again. His posture had slumped further, as if the last dregs of adrenaline had left in the wake of Erix’s departure. All thoughts of the conversation faded as I saw the obvious discomfort he was in. In seconds, I was on my knees before him.

“Why are you doing this, Duncan?” I grappled for his hands, noticing how he didn’t have the strength left to hold me back. “It is your turn to tell me the truth.”

“Because… I never ever want… you to be alone in this life.”

“But I would have you,” I choked. “You’d forgive me for my transgressions, and be with me?”

Duncan closed his eyes. “I hope so, if I can hold out that long.”

Panic surged through me, blinding any hope of saying anything else about the matter of me, Duncan and Erix.

“You need to rest,” I said, knowing Duncan needed more than that. He needed a healer – someone to tend to his weakness and fragility.

Duncan winced. “All I have done is rest. I don’t want to waste a moment of waking again.”

I looked up at him, wishing to imprint myself on his body, just to prove that this was real, and he was here.

“I really thought I was going to lose you,” I said, carefully studying the nuance of his expression.

Duncan refused to look at me when he replied. Nor did he tell me I wasn’t going to lose him. “Because of the Duwar-possession part, or the Erix part?”

A sharp prang of pain shot through my chest. “Both.”

Duncan’s smile was weak, but bright. The most beautiful thing the world could offer me.

“I would be a fool to give you up so easily, darling.” Duncan used the last possible speck of energy and reached for my face. He drew me up from the floor, pulling my body atop him. He felt so small beneath me, as fragile as glass. Regardless, he wrapped his arms around my back and held me upon him. “That is why I know Erix will come around.”

“Why do this for me?” I said, peering across minimal inches between us.

“Because I love you, and Erix loves you. You are the hinge that keeps us together. But I am not only doing it for you. I am doing it for me, and for Erix. I care for him, deeply, and I have seen into his mind to know that he shares in that feeling. Mutual understanding is important in this journey, Erix’s, yours and mine. We must make this decision together.”

“And will you be by my side, to experience this together, regardless of the answers?” There, I said it. Got the haunting question that lingered in my mind.

Duncan’s answer was the same as it had been. “I hope so.”

Not a yes, not a no.

“I don’t deserve either of you,” I admitted my insecurity aloud. “That is how I feel.”

“Shh,” Duncan said, lips quivering. “Saying that is like suggesting we don’t deserve to make that decision ourselves.”

I leaned in, resting my forehead on Duncan’s. “I missed you, darling,” he said.

“I missed you so much,” I replied, the words breaking out in a violent sob. “I don’t want to ever lose you again. Either of you.”

A strange, imposing weight lifted from my shoulders.

I waited for Duncan to tell me that he wasn’t going anywhere, but of course he didn’t. We both knew his tomorrow was yet to be secured. He was suffering in the wake of Duwar – greatly.

“I could never leave you,” Duncan whispered. “Not for long.”

He lifted his finger and pointed to his eye, his heart and then to me.

Our signal. Our way of saying I love you without words. Seeing him do it, this side of surviving Duwar’s possession, ruined me. So, I did the only thing I could think to do, and I laid my mouth upon his. The moment our lips touched, a small chirp erupted from deep within me. A sound born from the mixture of relief and sadness.

“I love you too,” I gasped against his mouth. “So much, Duncan. So, so fucking much that it burns inside of me.”

His shaking hand traced up my back, fingers knotting in my hair. Duncan tightened his grip, holding me to him as our touch melded into one. The kiss was not frantic or desperate, but slow. It was as if he longed to draw out the moment, just as much as I did.

When I drew back, Duncan didn’t open his eyes again. His chest rose and fell, the tension in his face lessening as his exhaustion caught up.

I moved to get off him, but he moaned, proving he was still awake. “Stay with me,” he pleaded. “Just a little longer.”

I couldn’t refuse him. Duncan was as much my weakness as he was my strength. So, I curled on the side of the bed, nestled my body into his. I would need to speak with Rafaela about a healer – someone on Irobel who could help him. Duncan would need time, or a miracle. I hoped both were possibilities.

“Robin,” Duncan whispered so quietly it took effort to hear him. “As much as those chains weren’t meant to excite me, I think I actually miss them. Maybe when the world goes back to normal, we can give them a try?”

My laugh was honest, born from a place his sarcasm touched. “You’re terrible, Duncan!”

“Silver linings,” he exhaled, voice sleepy.

“Silver linings,” I echoed, finding the spark of happiness fading again. I was almost relieved when Duncan didn’t speak. His rasped snore told me he slept. Which left me to ponder the world we’d left behind.

I couldn’t find the silver lining in this story. Elinor was dead. Althea was a captive. Duncan was still suffering. Wychwood had been handed over to the Nephilim, just as they plotted, risking the lives of millions. And we were sailing away, leaving it all behind, without a foolproof plan of how to return and fix this colossal issue.

Maybe once the rest of my problems were solved, I could face my own battle between my heart, and the hearts of the two men I held, one in each hand.