Page 64
Story: Yorkie to My Heart
He snickered.“Not like the preachers I used to know.”His smile faded.“These are all nice platitudes, Jeremy, but not the reality.”He bit his lower lip.
I longed to pull him into my arms.His pain was so palpable.
“He told me he loved me.That he was happy I was a good weight.”He winced.“I was scrawny when I got here from Oregon.I’d had to scrounge for food almost my entire life.Suddenly I had a meal card and food was everywhere.I ate.Man, did I eat.”
My heart ached for the boy who’d fought for food.So different from the life of absolutely decadence I’d enjoyed.
“And then…” He broke our gaze and looked down, toeing the sidewalk.
At least he’d been wearing his good shoes yesterday.I would’ve bought him another pair, but I was slowly learning to check the instinct to just throw money at him and to solve all his problems.Some of that, he needed to do himself.Not just for the sake of pride—but to prove to himself that he could.
I waited.
He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly.“I met Hank.”He finally met my gaze again.“I was dazzled.He was sophisticated and rich and he offered me everything.He asked me to come and live with him after just a few dates.I…” He swallowed.“I didn’t realize that was a flashing red light.”He sniffed.“I want to be clear that he was never physically abusive.That’s important for me to put out there.I never had anything to fear from him physically.”
Of course, I heard the words not being spoken.Therehadbeen abuse.And I was aware that emotional and psychological abuse could be just as damaging.I’d had a client, Mariella.Beautiful, smart, and a brilliant actress.Who married an egomaniac who abused her terribly—yet never laid a finger on her.When she finally escaped, she needed a fresh start.She came to me, and I helped her get it.For her, part of the healing journey was to share publicly what she’d endured.A few people criticized her for being honest.Most people applauded.If someone that beautiful and that successful lived miserably for all those years—but finally escaped—maybe there might be help for others.”
These days, Mariella was living her best life.Solo and starring in a movie that might just get her a Golden Globe nomination.Perhaps even an Oscar.
“He liked to feed me.”Phillip glanced away before looking back.“He used to joke that I looked good playing video games and eating bonbons.”He winced.“I dropped out of college.I mean, my life was set.”He rolled his hand.
I understood.“But you didn’t cook or anything like that?”What, he’d just been around to, what?Have sex with?Perhaps I was reading between the lines, but I didn’t hear any emotional or spiritual connection between him and Hank.Certainly nothing romantic.
“We ordered takeout all the time.And I ate bagels, cereal, toast, and other easy-to-prepare stuff.Remember, I didn’t have any money.And I didn’t even really understand nutrition.We’d never been taught any of that in school, and it… wasn’t my mother’s thing.”He gazed upward.“In my heart, I knew something was wrong.But my brain and stomach enjoyed being full.So what if I didn’t eat a fruit or a vegetable?I wasn’t hungry.And hunger would get me thinking about my mom—so I did everything to avoid ever being hungry.”He used the hand gripping Wally’s leash to sweep up and down himself.“And this is the result.”
Jesus Fucking Christ.Whoever this Hank was, I wanted to track him down and give him a piece of my mind.I couldn’t fathom that kind of psychological abuse.Thatwasphysical abuse.He might never have struck Phillip, but the complete disregard for Phillip’s health was a kind of abuse.I regarded him, holding his gaze.“And he’s out of the picture?”
“Yeah.”An expression of pain crossed his face with a tortured wince.“He left me because I was a fat pig.”
The laugh he gave was one of the most pitiful sounds I’d ever heard.My heart ached.
“He was wrong.”
“No, he wasn’t.”Phillip held my gaze.“Remember, I weighed an extra thirty-five pounds from where I am now.A couple months in the psychiatric department in a rehab hospital will do that to you.Help you lose weight.I’d still be there if not for a firm commitment from me that I’d take care of myself and a keen social worker from Gaynor Beach who heard about my situation and offered to help.”
Ah.I still hadn’t put all the pieces together—how Phillip had wound up in our small town.But it didn’t matter.“Anthony’s a good man.”
“Anthony’s the best.”Phillip again looked away.“My psychiatrist knew Dr.Martin and asked if he thought I could get a fresh start.Dr.Martin saw the monumentality of the task and asked Anthony to help facilitate things.And to add me to his already full-to-the-brim caseload.But he did.Without a single complaint—at least not to me.He found me the shelter bed while he arranged things with James.He got me clothes and stuff because he knew I couldn’t bear to go back to the house in LA.”
“Yet you went back yesterday.”
He winced.“I realized I left a few photos of my mom behind.And maybe I shouldn’t have been sentimental, given how fractured our relationship was—but I felt like…” He swallowed.“I have pictures of myself from when I was a kid and a teenager.Photographs of me skinny.I…wanted a way to hold on to that kid as much as I am holding tight to the possibility of a future where I’m not…” He flailed his arm.
“Generous?Kind?Attractive?Sexy?”Don’t go overboard.“Where you’re not a sweet man who rescues a dog in need and lets strangers and dogless kids play with said dog?”
“You’re just saying that?—”
“Yeah, I am.Because it’s true.”I considered for a long time.“I think you’re judging yourself more harshly than many other people might.I certainly don’t look at you and see whatever it is you think I see.You’re a good man, Phillip.You just need distance from what was clearly a toxic and abusive relationship.It sounds like your ex was one sick fucker.So let’s celebrate that you’re out of that relationship.”
“He left me.”Sadness.Despair.
“So what?He was a narcissistic sociopath who didn’t care who he hurt.”
“You don’t know him.”
“No, maybe not.But I know his kind.Controlling to the point of obsession.Hurting the one he purportedly loves.”
“He never said he loved me.I said it to him all the time…but he never said it back.So that should’ve been my first clue, right?”
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