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He offered a small smile.“I’ve been Black my entire life.”

I closed my eyes and tried to remember to breathe.

“Yes, Phillip, I’ve faced racism.That’s a fact of life in my world.My wife was a ballerina and faced plenty of prejudice as a Black dancer.I went to medical school, and some classmates assumed I’d only been admitted because of the color of my skin.The truth is, I was at the very top of the admissions because of my grades and my tenacity.

“I worry about my daughters and what they face.But I don’t let this one aspect of my life dominate my life.”He held my gaze with fathomless dark-brown eyes.“So you don’t have to define yourself by where you come from.You left there almost six years ago.”

“Well, I certainly haven’t done anything to distinguish myself since.”

His gaze didn’t flicker.He knew.I’d written it all down.

“Why don’t we talk about this?”Again, he offered a small smile.“You’ve been through a lot in your twenty-four years.I’m here to listen.To help you work through some of the pain.I’ll start with, how are you feeling right now?”

“I’m okay.”

He held my gaze.

I squirmed.

He scratched his clean-shaven cheek.

“I say that a lot.”

“Anthony did mention that.”

“Uh…” I scrubbed my face.“I loved my mom…but she wasn’t well.”I pointed to my head.“I mean she was mentally unstableandshe had a chronic health condition.”I didn’t like to talk about that.“I didn’t see the psychological problems as a kid, of course.I assumed everyone’s parents were…unhinged.She kept me close to her.I didn’t play with the other kids.I went to school, came home, and took care of her.She had other health problems, like I said, but she didn’t believe inmodern medicinefor most stuff anyway.She’d take the meds, but that was it.She was all about God’s healing and, uh, stuff like that.”

Dr.Martin nodded.

“And I didn’t know any better.I just lived my life completely consumed by her and the church.”I closed my eyes.“They didn’t condone homosexuality, of course.I got it.I never breathed a word to anyone.Not worth it, you know?”

“Yes, I do.”

I opened my eyes, meeting his gaze.I believed him.“So I thought I’d be there forever.When I was old enough, I went to work at the gas station.I studied hard, though, you know?And my English teacher suggested I might consider college.”I rubbed my sweaty palms against my pristine-clean shorts.“I knew what that meant.Leaving.And as long as my mother was sick, I didn’t see any way I could go.”I cleared my throat.“Then she got super sick, refused to go to a hospital—which was about an hour away—and she died.Just…died.”

“That must have been difficult.”

“Yeah.”I rubbed my forehead.“But like, I was glad.That sounds terrible, I know.I don’t mean losing her didn’t tear me up.But she’d had a rough life and was suffering, and then, poof.”I made a fist and then opened my hand suddenly.“Her suffering was over.I was free.”I shrugged.“My English teacher helped me get a scholarship to UCLA.”

I took a moment to remember.I hadn’t shed tears at the funeral.I’d been…angry.For the neglect.For the lack of empathy from her.For the downright cruelty at times.All because of that damn illness.

Or so I told myself.I’d never seen another side of her and so maybe she’d been that bitter before I was born.In the end, though, I’d decided I wasn’t going to live my life in the past.I sold or gave away all Mom’s stuff except for a few photographs, packed a bag, and left the day after graduation.

“No one tried to stop me.No one tried to indoctrinate me back into the church.It’s like they knew.That I didn’t fit in.That I wasn’t one of them.And they were right.”I sighed.“But LA wasn’t the right place to wind up at.Maybe if I’d gone to Portland or Seattle…I dunno…stayed in the Pacific Northwest.I mean, I get that I had to go away, but California’s like a different planet.”

Dr.Martin chuckled.“Yes, that’s true.”

“Right?So I got a room in a house with a bunch of guys and tried really hard to study.But all this stuff was before me—booze, drugs, women… And I sort of lost myself.I mean, I didn’t even want the women, but I wanted to fit in.I didn’t, like, do anything, you know?With women.””

“Yes, I know.”

“I didn’t want to get anyone knocked up.Because I would’ve married any woman I knocked up.”

“That was very sensible of you.And abstaining kept you safe from diseases, too.”

“Right.”I wrinkled my nose.“I didn’t get much of an education, but the other students were friendly.I never had friends before.And then…” After a long moment.“I met Hank.”

Dr.Martin’s gaze never wavered.“Do you want to tell me about Hank?”