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THEN
I turned straight back around, and ran to the beach. I lay on the sand and took in a gasp of air as though I had stopped breathing. My heart thumped hard in my chest. I had barely slept in Ula’s cabin. I couldn’t bear to be around Avril, after I saw her early this morning. I was even more repulsed by what she suggested we were to do and I had taken myself to the beach to try and sleep.
I looked at the sun now high in the sky. I lay there, willing it to burn me, maybe to death, then this nightmare would end.
My body felt as though it didn’t belong to me anymore, as though a part of me had been lost last night. The beach was empty and the noise that had been pounding for hours in my ears had finally ceased, but I was sure I could still hear echoes of it as the memory of last night played tricks with my tired mind. I could hear the waves but they did little to soothe me asthey usually did. All I could do was wonder what was coming next. Nothing, it seemed, except the desperate quietness that echoed of the night it had left behind.
Now I was lost. I didn’t know what to do next. Part of me was ready to start swimming; the other part of me knew I had to go back and face whatever it was back at camp. A new dawn had broken and it brought a whole new dynamic that was completely alien. Surely I was in a dream. How was I to go back and live amongst these people, have a conversation over breakfast? Would anyone mention it? Would they mention where I had been? Was I now expected to play my part in this sadistic nightmare?
I couldn’t lie here on the beach all day, but the thought of returning to camp and discovering the aftermath was not an option I was considering either. But I knew it had to be done. Every part of my body ached and I felt weak with lack of food and water. I stood up and began to put one foot in front of the other, each step reminding me what I was heading toward. I tried to believe I had imagined it all and that I would wander back to camp and everything would be as though it hadn’t happened.
The walk took me twice as long as it usually did and so when I finally saw the clearing, I was ready to flop again. But I needed to remain strong and focused.
As I entered camp I could have been fooled into thinking that nothing had occurred, that all was well. The camp was the cleanest I had ever seen it. The fire was still smoking ready to be stoked for breakfast. Any remnants from last night were gone. The chairs the men had been sitting in were gone. I walked to the spot where I had seen it, searching for the obvious clues, butthe dusty ground gave nothing away. Yet I had witnessed it. I had seen it with my own eyes.
I could tell from the light and where the sun was that someone would be getting up soon to make breakfast.
I stood looking around, and images of what I remembered from last night replayed in front of me. I heard a creak and turned to see Avril’s cabin door had opened. No. My mind was screaming run, but my body wouldn’t move.
Avril hovered in the doorway. She was smiling warmly. As though nothing had happened. Her eyes were inviting me towards her. She began walking over to me and I felt my body recoil, like a child I closed my eyes as though doing so would make me invisible.
I heard her footsteps, then I could smell her and when she spoke I could feel her breath on my skin.
‘Sadie.’
I opened my eyes. She was inches from my face but she stepped back.
‘You look tired. Let me make you some tea.’
She walked over to the fire and began to stoke it, then took the kettle and hung it over the fire.
‘Please come, sit.’
I was in a dream; I had to be. I could hear Avril speaking but this wasn’t real. This wasn’t happening.
‘Come sit.’ She spoke louder this time and I jumped at the sudden change in volume.
I shuffled near to the fire but set myself down on a trunk of wood.
Avril crushed dried nettles as we sat in silence. She put a small strainer over a coconut cup and when the water wasboiling she emptied it over the strainer, swiftly removed it and handed me the tea. I took the cup and held it in both hands, staring away past her.
‘You have come a long way. Camp life suits you.’
I barely moved. This was not what she had said last night in Adi’s cave. She had said she had seen someone who was terrified. She had already seen through me. She was playing games with me. My throat was dry and I needed a drink but what if she had poisoned it?
‘You’re one of us now, Sadie,’ she said quietly.
I could have laughed but I was rigid.
She spoke again louder this time. ‘You’re one of us now, Sadie. Okay?’
I forced myself to nod. This was what I had wanted, to be accepted, to feel part of something. But I could not accept Avril’s words. This was not how it was supposed to be. I moved my face an inch to look at her. My teeth chattered even though the temperature was rising again.
‘You are one of us,’ she said, laughing whilst she stoked the fire.
My tired eyes were watering from the smoke that had accumulated around us as Avril brought the fire back to life.