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Avril snorted. ‘I don’t have a girlfriend.’
I put the plates on the table. ‘Oh, Lola, I thought—’
‘You thought wrong.’ There was a spike to Avril’s voice that I hadn’t heard before.
We were both silent for a few moments.
‘It’s just not like that here, Sadie. We’re all free here. You know?’
‘Yeah, I can see,’ I replied. I didn’t want to pursue the Lola thing. I didn’t want to say that it didn’t seem to me that Lola understood the same level of freedom as Avril did and actually she seemed very set on being Avril’s girlfriend.
I filled a bowl from one of the large rain tanks closest to the camp with a squirt of washing-up liquid. I began scrubbing and laying the bowls on the handmade draining board. I looked at the knots used to make the draining board and admired them. Avril arrived next to me with a towel in hand and began drying and stacking the bowls.
The chain around her wrist jingled as she dried.
‘That’s such a pretty bracelet. Was it a gift?’
Avril held her wrist up and looked at the charm bracelet as though it was the first time she had seen it. ‘It was a gift to myself.’
I nodded. ‘I love all the little charms. Do they represent something?’
‘Yes, all of them.’
‘I love the little cake.’
Avril looked intently at it. ‘I do too,’ she said it as if she had only just decided that she liked it the most.
I didn’t push her to reveal more, to tell me the story behind each charm, but I could see in her demeanour that it was special to her.
‘I like how you bought it as a gift to yourself.’
Avril took a plate from me and dried it with the cloth. ‘We must recognise that we are worth something to ourselves, Sadie. You will learn in time,’ she said.
I nodded. Avril grabbed my arm with her free hand. I looked at her.
‘I mean it, Sadie. You must never let anyone make you feel a lesser version of yourself.’
I was always trying to crush feelings of Bruno. He was always in the back of my mind. I had wanted it to last; I had wanted him to love me. I let him make me feel a lesser version of myself.
Suddenly I felt the desire to open up to Avril, to tell her about Bruno, to explain why I was here, why I had run.
‘His name was Bruno,’ I said and the jingling on her wrist stopped as she paused drying the dishes.
‘I thought he loved me. But he wanted to control me. He wanted me to be like him and his friends. And when I didn’t—’
‘He hurt you,’ Avril finished the sentence for me.
I looked at her and she at me. Our eyes locked and, in that moment, I saw reflected in her eyes a vision of the pain that felt so familiar to me. This was why I had been brought here, so that someone like Avril could bring me back to life, give me the space and tools to become who I truly wanted and needed to be. In some way, I believed that Avril was my saviour.
Avril nodded and let out a sigh. She handed me back a plate. ‘You missed a bit.’
We looked at one another and both let out a laughing snort at the same time.
There were more celebrations that night to mark some sort of milestone of one of the women. In all the bustle of having agarland placed around my neck, and kava getting passed at a rate I had never yet experienced in Fiji, I missed what the occasion was. Each of the women came and kissed the woman who I think was called Rachel. But I noticed that Kali was the only one who didn’t do this, as she had immersed herself in getting the old cassette player set up ready for the music, which when she pressed play was loud and fierce.
Avril was the first to grab me and dance. The music was an R & B track I recognised from back home, and my body overflowed with euphoria and nostalgia as my muscle memory kicked in and the moves from my youth came back to me. Avril’s hands were all over my waist, as she danced around me. Then she was back in front of me, an intense look in her eye as she held me and pressed her groin against mine, grinding it against me in time with the music. Her hair was loose tonight and she flung her head back. When she retracted it, she had a wild look in her eye. Then when the track finished she was gone, leaving me feeling out of breath and slightly bereft. I watched her move over to another girl and then finally to Lola, who had been waiting to welcome her.
I knew I wanted to walk tonight and so I slipped away to the beach, where I intended to dip my toes in the sea.