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Maybe every other woman here had nothing left to return to, and so living alongside these men in this way was something they could just forget about, pretend it wasn’t happening. But itwouldn’t sit right with me; I couldn’t make it right in my mind. And so for now, I would smile and be cooperative.
‘I didn’t want to shock you. You needed time to settle in. And as I said to you yesterday, I think you are the perfect one for the role, to help me with Camp Z.’
‘Camp Z?’ I repeated.
‘That’s what we call the camp with the men in it.’
I swallowed slowly. It had a name and it sounded post-apocalyptic.
‘It’s a prison though isn’t it?’ I said my mouth drying up.
Avril looked exasperated. ‘Yes I suppose, if you want to look at it like that.’
How else did she expect me to look at it I thought, as I poured water into the huge kettle ready to start heating for morning tea.
Avril gently touched my arm.
‘Sadie, you’ve had such a terrible time; this will be good for you. It will help with your healing. I can’t bring your ex here, but I can show you that we do not allow men to get away with treating women like shit.’
Images of a now blurry Bruno swirled in my mind. I was far enough away that I could begin to forget him and everything he had done. But now there was a whole camp full of men supposedly here for similar crimes. I scratched at my neck and tried to calm my thoughts. Avril saw something in me, a strength I didn’t know I had. Maybe the way to finally be rid of Bruno was to face the men every day. So I was no longer scared of Bruno or any other man who could do the same to me. It was safe enough with them all behind bars. They couldn’t get to me. This was how she wanted me to see it. This is what she wantedme to do. All I could think was what might happen if I didn’t go along, if I wasn’t the person she thought I was.
‘Let’s talk more later,’ Avril said softly, and she walked away.
Yet again, I was unable to put one emotion at the forefront of my mind and hold it there. I looked around at the peace and serenity of the island all around me. I looked at the women existing around me. They had managed to file away what was happening on the other side of the island. Should I try and do the same?
There was already music playing this morning from a speaker. That hadn’t been the case when I first arrived. Was the music for me? A distraction from Camp Z? Even thinking the words made me shudder.
Two women were now in camp preparing breakfast. The air was beginning to heat up and after the force of the storm yesterday it was as though the sun had been missing for weeks and not just twenty-four hours. I left them to it and walked to clear my head. I had barely slept, as the rain had come and gone all night, interrupting sleep that did not come easily and dreams that were full of men in cages.
Without realising it I had found my way to Ula’s hut and as though she was there in front of me saying the word again, I could hear it. ‘Run.’
Was that what she had said, and was it because of the men? Or had Ula rebelled against Avril and had she been segregated for it?
I looked up at it and again wondered what she did in there all day. I thought of her most days. Was she scared?
But general day-to-day life on Totini had a way of holding you in a gentle hug, so any slight frustrations or worriesseemed to come and go in spurts and disperse as quickly as they emerged. As soon as thoughts of prisons and Clara’s death and Ula living here alone began contaminating my mind, I would be pulled back to the present, the heat, the smells of the campfire, the roosters calling, the sound of a fallen coconut hitting the tin roof of the rain tower. And the peace and the quiet. There was so much time to think, and maybe all I had to do was learn how to turn those thoughts towards things that would benefit me and to try and just exist and live in the moment as these women did. We had all run from the same thing. And even though there were men locked up half an hour away, I had witnessed that it was entirely possible to forget about them.
Ula was apparently mad, mute; she was to be left alone. I thought about the words of the campmates and how they had spoken of her. But I needed to know for myself. Maybe Ula was the one who could help straighten this all out in my mind, help me make sense of it. And maybe I would get some clarity on her own life story. I took the path I had walked up the first time and found myself at the side of the hut. The red handprints had faded after yesterday’s storm. I walked around the side of the hut and arrived at the front where the one window and door were. The window was heavily curtained still. I thought of the impossible heat inside the hut and wondered how Ula managed to stay there for a few minutes, let alone days at a time. The only thing I could think was that the trees provided enough shelter from the daily sun to keep the cabin relatively cool.
Where was she, I wondered? Apart from that one encounter with her on the beach through the foliage, I hadn’t ever seen her out of her hut.
I stood in front of the door, took a deep breath and knocked firmly.
‘Ula,’ I called. Did she even know her name? Was that even her real name or one that the camp had assigned to her?
I knocked again, this time three times in a row.
‘Ula, you don’t know me, I’m Sadie. I have been on the island a few weeks and I would like to speak with you.’
I looked around and then down at the beach in case Ula was there, but more importantly in case I had been followed and someone was watching me. I was now more wary of stepping out of line than ever, getting things wrong and going against the grain. Systems had been set in place and I had already tested them. I was never one to just accept what I was told without good enough evidence.
‘Ula,’ I called again without knocking this time.
I placed my hand on the door and, with it, a tiny bit of my weight, and as I did, the door gave way and opened an inch. I felt my heart begin to skip. All I needed to find out now: was she was inside or not?
I shoved the door another couple of inches, edging my way across the threshold as I did. A few more nudges and the door was half open and I stepped fully into the cabin. The now open doorway cast a pathway of light through the centre of the dark room. Immediately, I was surprised to see the level of tidiness inside the hut. There was a curious array of objects lined up along a table and around the edges of the room, things that looked as though they had been washed in from the sea, a clue that Ula did spend time outside, or maybe she once did. And of course she was not in the hut now. I could see every corner from where I stood.
There was a very basic roll-out mattress on the floor with a thin cover, a small pile of books next to the bed. This surprised me more. Did Ula sit and read? I dared to step closer and saw there were few classics:Wuthering Heights,Pride and Prejudice, andLife Between the Tides: In Search of Rock Pools and Other Adventures Along the Shore. This made me feel a little sad. Ula had been or still was someone who had a keen interest in marine life. Then my eyes were drawn to the final one,A Rough Guide to Fijiand there on the front cover, a perfect paradise island with white sandy beaches and a turquoise reef. I imagined an Ula in another life heading to her local bookshop to pick up a copy, thinking she would be taught everything she needed to know. Did it say in the foreword anything about giving away a part of yourself for a piece of paradise? The Ula who bought that book would have not had any clue of what lay ahead for her, a life stuffed away in a shack on a ledge, living alone, cast away from the group. What terrible thing could she have possibly done to warrant this treatment? I stood in the centre of the room; I was surprised it wasn’t hotter. I had expected to walk into a room that felt like a sauna, but it was surprisingly cool.