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We moved stealthily through the bushes until we reached the very edge, not that we needed to. The noise from the camp was now more of a consistent roar and would have drowned out any sound from us scuttling around.
Ula crouched down in the long grass and then motioned for me to sidle up next to her, which I did. I wanted to block my ears from all the noise but at the same time, I was trying to tune in to hearing anything they were saying; if I could maybe catch the odd word, it might make sense. My heart thudded in my ears almost in time with the drum, which was now sounding out across the camp.
I looked across at the camp. We were well hidden in the grass and Ula had turned off her torch, so we were crouched in the dark. Everyone was up and moving around. The sound of the drum was now echoing in my chest, and I wanted it to stop, for all of this to just stop, but somehow I knew it wouldn’t. Somehow this suddenly felt much bigger than me and I knew it was unstoppable. It felt as though whatever was happening had been brewing for some time.
I tried to focus on a few of the faces as the fire seemed to be growing in size as well, the light from it illuminating the crowd. Everyone was there: the mothers, Kali, Mary and every other woman who made up the thirty-or-so-strong camp. And standing at the head of the camp was Avril. She was moving slightly but was focused on something to her left. I hadn’t noticed it before with all the commotion, but there was now a chair where there had never been one before. Someone was seated on the chair, but I couldn’t tell who. I did another quick scan of the camp and saw the other man sitting on another chair close by.
‘That’s James sitting in that chair,’ I whispered to Ula, but she didn’t respond. She didn’t know who James was. ‘He arrived yesterday. His friend is there.’
Nothing from Ula.
‘What is going on?’ I hissed.
The chanting and drumming ended with one loud final thump. I was sure I had been heard. Ula looked at me. I thought she was about to tell me off, or shush me or something, but she just looked at me and her whole face had changed. A terrible sadness had washed over her.
Avril had mounted James. Precious was on top of the other man. Both men looked elated; this was what they had comehere for. To be surrounded by goddesses on a tropical island, far away from society.
I shivered and wished I were somewhere else, not watching this, but this was what Ula wanted me to see.
‘Ula, is this usual? Do they do this often?’
She looked at me and nodded.
‘Look, as erotic as this is, I don’t feel happy watching from the bushes,’ I said. I was sure Avril would have wanted me to have been a part of this evening, but I didn’t feel comfortable with that either. The girls made quite a show for a few minutes, but it was all too much for poor James and his travelling pal, who climaxed and then began laughing hysterically.
Ula looked at me again. The energy had shifted in the air. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw a glint of something against the light of the moon. By the time I had turned, I had just caught the end of a fast and vicious swipe as a blade came across each of the men’s necks.
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THEN
The men lay limp. I looked at Ula but I noticed she had already begun to crawl away. She stood up, fully visible to the entire camp, but she didn’t seem to care. I stayed where I was for longer than I should have done, thinking and watching the camp return to normality. The bodies were removed and the merriment continued with kava continuing to be passed around. I couldn’t move; I was frozen to the spot. If I moved they would see me. I would be caught and they would kill me, was all I could think.
Eventually I began moving back very slowly. And once I was away past the clearing, I ran as fast as I could, stopping every now and then to vomit foamy bile on to the ground. Ula was long gone.
Once I was on the beach, I took off along the sand, a pain in my gut pulling me forward and making me retch even more. Icould no longer ignore the stitches that were trying to slow me down and I eventually stopped and lay on the sand, feeling the safety of some bushes that encased me so I was barely visible. I covered my head with my hands and cried angry, frustrated tears.
I was not safe. I needed to get away. But I was trapped. With these women. With Avril. I could feel my heart racing and panic struck me. I couldn’t breathe.
I must have passed out because I opened my eyes not knowing how long I’d had them shut for. I stood up, blood rushing to my head, and I threw up again.
I thought of the cave, of Adi up there alone. I needed to be there tonight. I started making my way up the incline past Ula’s house and into the small clearing that was not really a path. I felt my way in the dark with just my hands and the small amount of light from the moon to help me. My fingertips brushed against the tops of the grass and plants, and I took it as comfort. It was like a gentle stroke on my hand. In my head I began to chant:
It’s going to be okay. You’re going to be okay.
But I was lying to myself. I was never going to be okay again.
As the incline grew I began to worry how I would feel once I reached the top and whether I would end up too close to the edge, but already my muscle memory had kicked in, and as the grass opened up onto the clearing at the top of the hill, I could see the rock face and recognised the shrubbery in front of me that covered the gap to the hole. I pushed back the grass and put my head into the hole. There was light coming from inside.
‘Adi, it’s me, Sadie. I’m coming in.’ My voice was a shaky mess as my body convulsed and spikes of terror hit me one after another like electric shocks.
As I climbed in further I could see the light was coming from a small fire in the middle of the cave. I looked up and saw there was a small slit in the top where the starlit sky was peeking through, and the smoke was escaping. I pulled my body through into the clearing. And crouched down on all fours although I could have stood there was enough headroom.
I recognised everything as it had been before except this time, Adi was here. He was at the far end of the cave on the blankets, but he wasn’t alone. He was wrapped up in the arms of another and before I’d had the chance to think it, I was saying her name.
‘Avril.’
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