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‘Thanks, I like it. I’m thinking of keeping it,’ I said and wished I had never said a word and just ignored him.
I looked around before I spoke to make sure no one was nearby and listening.
‘So how did you find out about Totini?’ I asked in hushed tone.
‘Well, I was on the mainland, and I got chatting to this girl in this bar; she told me about it, how to get here, or at least to, what was it, Kenco Island? And that was it. I have always fancied this sort of experience.’
‘And your friend? What about him? There were two of you weren’t there?’
‘Oh, yeah, he’s not my friend. He’d been in Nadi as well. We ended up travelling together, though, so yeah, I guess we are mates now. So, what’s the deal here? Is it all it’s cracked up to be? It’s an all-female camp?’ James looked and sounded like a small child mad with excitement and anticipation for whatwas to come. And although I didn’t exactly know what was to come, I think I had a better idea than he did.
‘It takes a bit of getting used to, but the general vibe is pretty relaxed. It’s beautiful and it’s exactly what I need right now. It sure has an addictive quality. But forever? Who knows?’
‘I know what you mean. I can feel those vibes already from being here for a few hours. It’s something different isn’t it – tick it off the bucket list. I lived as part of a commune in the South Pacific. Tick.’ He laughed. ‘One to tell the grandchildren that’s for sure.’
My heart thumped hard in my chest.Just warn him, Sadie. Just tell him.Why couldn’t I do that? An image of Avril crept into my mind, the responsibility she had given me, what she saw in me. Is that what she saw in Clara? I couldn’t be seen to be failing. And poor Clara. Here one minute, gone the next. I had to consider what may happen if I didn’t go along with what they expected of me, or if they had a heavy premonition that something might happen if I tried to upset the proceedings, if I didn’t do as I was asked. You had to give a piece of yourself for a slice of paradise. Nothing this good in life came for free, I now realised.
I carried on washing the dishes and wondered when James would leave. We carried on chatting asking one another about our lives. But half of my mind was on our conversation, answering all the usual questions one has for someone they have just met, on autopilot, and the other half of my brain was in perpetual waiting mode. Whatever Avril had planned, I didn’t know how I could help them, because if I suggested they were in danger, then in their drunken state, they might repeat it back to the others, and I would be ostracised and at the worst ... I couldn’tthink of the worst. I just knew I couldn’t endure the madness anymore.
I was desperate to get away from James, and the journal kept playing on my mind. I wanted to find out what had happened to Ula before I arrived. She had arrived here as a normal functioning woman, and something had happened, and I was sure I would be able to find out by finishing the notebook.
I had an overwhelming desire, as I did most evenings, to be by the shore. Tonight, it was to calm my nerves. I needed to take some deep breaths, get away from everyone for a while.
I noticed James had been smoking earlier.
‘Hey, I couldn’t bum a fag off you, could I?’
James grinned and handed one over.
I picked up a packet of matches from the larder. Before I let myself think too much about it, I began walking towards Camp Z, feeling the cigarette between my fingers and trying not to think too hard about its significance.
40
NOW
‘There is someone who would like to see you, Sadie.’ It was Jane speaking.
I had been at home for three days. It was around three o’clock in the afternoon. Mum had made a cake to try and stimulate my senses and evoke some memories. I still couldn’t tell them, and the longer it went on, the harder it was to stop all of this and admit to them that I remembered everything that had happened on that island, I had just managed to block out everything else out about myself and my real life as a result.
‘I don’t know if you want to see him, but I thought it might be a good opportunity to increase some memory flow. This is someone you knew very well.’
I search my mind, for whom Jane could be referring to.
‘Can I invite him in?’ Jane asks sheepishly, looking between me and our mother.
I nod and Jane walks out of the sitting room closing the door behind her. I feel my mother shift about on the end of the sofa and I feel my guts twist as I imagine who Jane might be seeing through to the sitting room.
‘You’ll be fine, love,’ my mum whispers and I am not sure why she is talking in a hushed tone. I feel as though it should be me reassuring my mother.
The door opens again, and Jane appears with an edgy smile. She seems to be harbouring all the feelings I should have felt as well as her own.
She stands aside and a man steps from behind her and walks into the room, so he is now standing in front of her.
‘Hello, Sadie.’ His voice bears a quiver that sets off a pulse inside my gut.
I look at Jane. She had stepped closer to me and is looking at me expectantly as though she is trying to suggest without words that she is here if I need her.
I look back at the man again. He is smiling. My response to his expression comes suddenly and without warning. It’s visceral, because I don’t need to think too long about who this is. The memories of my life before Totini returned hard and fast after Jane.