Page 98

“Shit.”

Holding a steak fry in his fingers, Rowan sends me one of his disarmingly charming half smiles and says, “Don’t look at me like that. I’m fine.”

Ithink he’s lying, though. He’s broken down in front of me too many times for me to think he came out of the Sacramento County foster care system unscathed. I can’t imagine anyone who has tried taking their own life isfine. He said he’s past that now, but suicidal ideation must linger like its own sort of trauma, right?

“Do you ever have contact with your biological parents?”

“Told you, babyface. I don’t have parents.”

I nod like I understand, but I don’t. Maybe I never will. Maybe it’s better for Rowan that I’m here for him even when I don’t understand. “Thank you for coming here with me.”

“I’ll do anything for you.” He says it so casually, while swiping two fries into a porcelain dish of ranch dressing, but my heart hears it loud and clear. “I might be a little bitch about it first, but I’ll eventually do it.”

I stare at his dark, steely eyes until they meet mine, and the connection alone is enough to make me blush.

After lunch, we drive around until we end up at Douglas Field, and I park in the same lot where we jerked off together and where I tasted his dick for the first time. This time, we leave my truck and meander up the concrete steps in favor of the tip top. There’s a pee-wee tournament taking up the field, but most of the spectators are down below. Up here is quieter, warmer, and the air settles better in my lungs.

Mine and Rowan’s fingers lace together in the sliver of space between our legs, and I feel a small rush of adrenaline every time someone walks far enough up the bleachers that they might notice us. Still, I won’t let go, even if someone does see.

Watching Rowan watch the tournament, I tell him I’ve been thinking about going to a Queer Alliance meeting on campus. Other than various on- and off-campus activities, there’s a weekly gathering in the meeting hall under the Freshmandorm. Got no clue what to expect, or if I’ll even get anything out of it, but I figure it’s worth checking out.

“Thoughtqueerwas a slur,” Rowan says passively.

“Not anymore, I guess. Seems like more of a catchall term. A broad umbrella to fit a wide variety of identities under.”

Eyeing me sideways, Rowan asks, “Likefreak?”

I smirk back. “Or, weird-o.”

“Well, let me know how it goes.”

“You could come with me.” I feel a little guilty suggesting something I know Rowan won’t be into after he admitted he’d do anything for me. Last thing I want to do is take advantage of him. I may not know what all he’s gone through, but I know it’s a lot more than anyone should, and I’ve already pushed him so much.

“Nah. That ain’t me.”

“Okay.” I don’t press. Just squeeze Rowan’s hand and tap the side of my head to the side of his.

“I’ve been thinking about Pavloving your dick.”

“S’cuse me?” My face reddens as my eyes widen.

“Like anytime I’m wearing a particular color, or if I do a particular action or say a particular phrase, your dick is trained to get hard instantly, and you’re possessed by the sudden uncontrollable need to fuck me. What do you think?”

My face hurts from how wide I’m grinning, my body clearly loving this idea more than my wary mind is. “You’ve been watching too much porn.”

“That’s not a no.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Good boy.” He reaches his neck until his mouth is beside my ear. “Thinklongandhard.”

Something close to a moan escapes my throat, and I turn my head to stare at Rowan’s mouth when I say, “You want me to fuck you, huh?”

“I said I want you possessed by the urge to fuck me. Didn’t say I’d let you.”

“You’re amazing,” I murmur before kissing his oh so inviting lips.

He kisses me back so easily that I forget we’re in public until Rowan leans back, releases my hand and fixes his face to neutral, head angling back toward the field. It’s all because of a couple with the same idea as us, reaching the top landing and carrying on to a bench a little ways down the row. A normal looking, young-ish couple. A man in cargo shorts holding hands with a woman in yoga clothes. They don’t seem to pay us any mind, but when they’re well enough away, Rowan says, “That guy looked at us weird.”