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“Be there at seven.”

“Why?”

My eyes roll, but I sort of like the skepticism in his voice. Skepticism means his mind’s working, and if his mind is working,that means it’s not made up yet. “Either you play or you don’t. Or are you still on that‘used to’nonsense?”

One step shrinks the gap between us by half, and Tommy softens his chin down while hardening his stare. “Is this a trap or something?”

It’s actually endearing how young he looks when he’s trying to look tough. It’s a struggle to keep my eyes locked on his when they’re so intense, so I trail mine down for a temporary reprieve. My eyes catch on the two small bumps of his nipples peaking through the white tee he’s wearing. Maybe bringing him around isn’t such a good idea, but right now, it feels like the best idea I’ve ever had.

“August will be my last season here,” I say as soon as I drag my eyes off his chest and back to his face. “I got to ramp everything up to a hundred-and-twelve if I’m gonna get drafted. You weren’t much of a challenge last week, but you gave me a good workout. Think you can find some cleats by seven?”

“Maybe,” he mumbles, looking even more skeptical now with his eyebrows wrinkled.

“See you tonight then, babyface.”

My hands are busy, popping one of these corn dog balls into my mouth, or else I might try to shake Tommy’s hand. Amends, or whatever, for what I did at the party, even though it totally wasn’t my fault. I walk away backwards, in case Tommy has any parting words for me.Fuck off,maybe.

All he does is stand there wearing a dopey look like he just woke up in Narnia. He must really think I’m luring him into a revenge trap. That or I just made his damn dreams come true. Either way, his parted lips and blue-eyed stare have me wondering how the hell someone could cheat on him.

3

Tommy

After my shift at the deli, I eat Ma’s supper like it’s a race before I track down the tote in the garage with all my old soccer gear in it. I must be out of my mind even thinking about going to meet with Rowan tonight. For all I know, I’ll get there and he and his buddies will wallop on me into looking like a car crash victim. I did lay into Rowan pretty mean last week. Took my knuckles days to quit hurting, and from the state of Rowan’s face yesterday, he’s still healing from a gnarly bruise.

It’s selfish too. Cutting out on my family just to get a taste of what I’ve been missing since high school. I should be helping Ma. The dishes need doing, laundry needs folding, Mav is too scared to bathe on his own, and someone’s got to make sure he’s brushing those teeth right. Lately, Erica needs the same sort of help, but it takes longer when I’m trying not to hurt her anymore than she’s already hurting. She needs her meds when the timers go off, and she needs someone to talk to who isn’t our mother or a six-year-old. She needs me, and I want to be here for her, but it’s soul crushing watching her get worse and worse and not being able to do shit about it.

At least being scorned by Lese and worrying over Rowan’s intentions has been a change of pace from the slow-brewing tragedy constantly hanging over my head.

“Where are you going?” Ma asks, clearly perturbed by me moving around the house like it’s about to flood.

“Just going out.” I go into my room to change into shorts and long socks. It takes longer with all Mav’s stuff filling my closet and scattering the floor between our beds.

Ma watches me from the doorway. “With Annalese?”

“Told you. It’s done with Lese.”

“I don’t know why you can’t work things out. She’s a good girl. Someday, you’re going to have to learn how to work through conflict and not run at the first sign of trouble.”

I roll my eyes, but only because my head is so deep in the closet, Ma won’t see it. Last thing I want is her knowing the ‘conflict’ I can’t work out is Lese’s cheating. Ma is old-school. She doesn’t want to hear about how I couldn’t satisfy my girlfriend, and she really doesn’t want to hear the reason why.

“I need your help here, Tommy,” she says, hands on her hips and giving me that tired look that reminds me how much she sacrifices on the daily.

Another reason to get out of the house. Too much fucking guilt. Guilt for being the healthy sibling. Guilt for not being able to fix anything. Guilt for being another person Ma has to cook and clean for. Now, guilt for breaking up with someone who actually wants to help Ma out. Lese may have a plethora of flaws, but she was right when she said she loves my family. This past week, I’ve wondered if that should be enough for me.

I shove my cleats and shin guards into my backpack and join Ma in the doorway long enough to kiss her cheek and promise, “I’ll be back in a couple hours to help put Mav to bed.”

“He’s not getting enough sleep,” she says like she’s scolding me. “His teacher says he’s been taking naps during recess.”

“It’s his recess. He can do whatever he wants during it, right?” Maybe that’s flippant, but it’s ten minutes to seven,and something about Rowan tells me he doesn’t enjoy tardiness. Besides, I promised Mav I wouldn’t tell anyone about the nightmares that wake him up in the middle of the night. Something else to feel guilty about…that no matter how hard Erica’s cancer has been on me, it’s a drop in a bucket compared to what it’s doing to her little boy.

Like the selfish fuck I am, I interrupt Mav’s TV time to ask him if he’ll help Ma out with the folding. “I’ll let you have a candy out of my secret stash if you do.”

That’s got him giddy and trotting toward the laundry closet. That kid is too good for this shitty world, and that’s the biggest tragedy of all.

I park at the gym lot and walk over with my pack slung over my shoulder. The flutter in my gut reminds me of the kiddie birthday parties I used to go to when I was Mav’s age. The ones where the entire class was invited, and I didn’t know what to expect or if I was even walking into the right house.

This is the right place, but that realization isn’t calming me none. Unlike last week at McKinley Park, all the men here are Sac State first stringers. An unofficial after-practice practice, I guess, but why the hell would Rowan want me here?