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However, I didn’t get very far because the kitchen was covered with white.
I blinked, unable to comprehend what was happening in front of me. There was flour oneverythingas Nick attempted to stir something in a bowl. He was the only thing more coated than the countertops.
“What the hell are you doing?” I asked.
“I’m trying to make you breakfast to cheer you up, but I don’t fucking know how to cook. You got all those genes, apparently.”
“What were you trying to make?”
“Cinnamon rolls, but then I realized that’s way out ofmy skill set. Then I tried pancakes, but that’salsotoo hard for me. Want to show me how it’s done?”
Usually, that would be no problem. I loved cooking just as much as I loved eating and photography. But this new version of me hated the thought of trying to make anything. I could still hear Reed’s condescending voice telling me all the ways what I put into my food would send me to an early grave.
“I haven’t cooked in a year.”
Nick blinked. “What?”
“Reed didn’t like how I did it. He said it was unhealthy.”
He frowned. “Who cares if it’s?—”
I held up a hand. “Can we not? I’m already feeling bad enough about the last two years. I’d rather go to McDonald’s and then to Amma’s. Is that okay?”
I wouldstillhear how bad fast food was for me, but at least I could ignore it by eating it before I could convince myself to go for something else that I wouldn’t like.
Silence stretched between us and I begged Nick to listen. I hadn’t cried in front of him since those kids in middle school took my pants in the gym and made fun of how I looked. I wasn’t about to break that record now.
“Yeah. Of course. I’ll get you whatever you want.”
“Thanks. I’ll go get dressed.”
I walked back to the guest room without another word. When I shut the door, the now-familiar feeling of misery grew.
How much had I given up for Reed? How much of myself wasgonenow?
Rummaging through my bag, I saw all the colors I used to wear, but I feltnothingabout them. I hadn’t for a while. I threw on the first thing I saw and then went to the bathroom to freshen up. Once I was done, Nick was waiting by the door.
“I could kick his ass, you know,” he said as I walked out of the room.
“Whose?”
“Reed’s. Who else would I be mad at?”
“You have a list of people you don’t like.”
“Reed is at the top.”
“Maybe I’ll feel better after food.” Doubtful, but worth the shot.
“What about a huge sweet tea too?”
“That might help.” I gave him a half smile, which made him perk up.
I was glad he didn’t know it was all I could manage.
The secondwe pulled into Amma’s long, winding driveway, the plume of smoke coming from her chimney was visible.
“Good,” I said. “She’s got her stove going. It’s so fucking cold.”