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Anger surged through him, crashing the party and getting the other guests riled up. Anthony thought of what a disgusting slut Silvia was, and how he hoped shedidhave some horrible STD that only affected her. He wanted the whole stupid record store to catch fire with her trapped inside. That wasn’t likely, so he’d have to find some reason to make Omar hate her. Then they could go back to normal. How though? Anthony could fan the flames and convince his friend that she was too big of a risk. AIDS, crabs, the clap… whatever that was. It didn’t matter. By the time Anthony was finished, Omar would be so scared that his penis would shrivel up in fear every time he looked at her!

But there was another terribly reasonable voice inside him that turned down the loud music long enough to ask, “Do you really blame her? In fact, aren’t you actually jealous of Silvia?” His anger reared up again in response, but it was too late. The words had struck Anthony’s heart with the unerring accuracy oftruth. He didn’t hate Silvia. They didn’t even know each other. This wasn’t about her.

Anthony rolled over on his side to face his friend. Omar’s mouth was hanging open, a puddle of drool on the pillow. And yet… The other emotions fell away, powerless in the wake of what rose up in response. Usually he pushed the feeling back down, but it was such a soothing salve on his raw insides that he couldn’t resist. Anthony let himself embrace the emotion. Gingerly at first, gripping only very edges and allowing himself to finish the thought. Omar looked cute. Even with his hair all tangled up. It didn’t matter that his breath smelled like stale barbeque sauce. Anthony would kiss him. If Omar woke up right now and wanted to, Anthony wouldn’t hesitate.

That wasn’t all of it though. He’d let himself fantasize about other guys before. Anthony always blamed it on hormones, despite knowing the truth. But there was more depth to those urges than he cared to acknowledge. Sure, it always began with lust… He let his eyes move over Omar. The sheets were bundled up around his waist, revealing the bare skin of his torso and a hint of the black boxers he wore. Anthony could imagine the muscular hairy legs sticking out of them. But it wasn’t just that. Nor was it the curve of his shoulders, the oddly alluring chest, or those lips that haunted his most secret of wishes.

Anthony thought of their history. He couldn’t remember much from his life before they’d met, but the rare times they were apart always proved the world was a better place when they were together. They made each other laugh, built each other back up when doubt crept in, and had endless adventures that wouldn’t impress anyone but themselves. No one truly understood how magical their connection was. Omar gave Anthony everything he needed to be happy. With one exception. That wasn’t missing completely though. Anthony felt it inside himself. The emotion surged through him so strongly that he wanted to shout it out loud so the entire world could feel its immutable strength.

I love him!

Anthony rolled onto his back again, his heart thudding. He felt the approach of panic, and the blinding dark of denial closing in, but he was sick of them both. They felt horrible. Suffocating. If he got up now and ripped open the curtains to let in the warm morning light,that’swhat love was like. Anthony felt it as agolden glow that filled his chest, too precious to shove away, too beautiful to keep contained. He had to though. If he told Omar, it could mean the end of their friendship. Anthony would lose everything good that they had together. But he was done denying it. He would rather foster the feeling, nurturing it as best he could, because at least it wassomething. Even if nobody else learned of its existence. He was okay with that. Instead of a secret that filled him with fear, this one would give him strength. The thought alone brought tears of joy to his eyes.

Anthony turned his head, considering his sleeping friend again, and how tempting those lips of his were.

I love him.

— — —

Everything had changed. For the better! Anthony felt powerful, which was strange, because the source of that strength used to be his greatest weakness.

“I’m gay.”

He had let himself speak these words when walking home from Omar’s house in the morning. Anthony had made sure no one was around, because he wasn’t an idiot, but there was a marked difference between caution and fear. And the craziest thing was that saying the words or even thinking them had a completely different effect on him now. Anthony didn’t recoil from the truth anymore. No matter what form it took. He was gay. And he loved Omar. These facts made him feel more alive than ever before! All he had to do was look over at his friend and…

Omar was gnawing on a fingernail while his eyes darted nervously around the waiting room of a clinic. Mike had told Anthony where they needed to go, with minimal teasing. The truth had helped there as well. Anthony didn’t bother pretending this errand was for him, not wanting to invent some girl he didn’t actually have feelings for. As soon as Mike learned that it was Omar who needed to get tested, he’d lost all interest.

In the afternoon, they had ridden their bikes an hour east to reach the outskirts of Kansas City. Neither of them minded traveling so far, since Pride was too small to do anything anonymously. The wait at the clinic had gone on for much longer. Anthony didn’t care. All he needed to experience a thrill was to look at his best friend.He’s hot, I’m gay, and man I wish he’d letme kiss away that worried expression!Anthony felt drunk off these indulgent thoughts.

In an especially daring moment, he even stared meaningfully at a guy on the other side of the waiting room. The clinic was closer to the city and was the place people went to get tested for AIDS, so maybe he was gay too. The guy was in his twenties. Way too old, but he had a nice build. Anthony stopped staring when it became obvious that he was making the other man uncomfortable, but he still let himself glance at his stubbled chin every now and again while thinking naughty thoughts.

Life was so much better now. Like a weight had been lifted off his chest. Anthony still had the burden of keeping a secret, but at least he no longer hated himself because of it. No more having to repress thoughts or feelings. Instead he could enjoy them. Why hadn’t he accepted himself sooner? He was gay before. He was gay now. Anthony couldn’t do anything about that. All he could change was how he treated himself, and man, what a huge difference it made!

“Number seventy-seven,” a nurse called out.

Omar shot to his feet, but he seemed incapable of taking a step forward. Instead he looked at Anthony with a pleading expression. “Will you come with me?”

Love!

“Yeah.” Anthony said easily.

They were shown to an exam room where the same woman took Omar’s vitals before leaving, but they didn’t have long to wait. A different woman entered the room, introducing herself as the doctor. Omar explained why he was there with his usual eloquence.

“I want to get tested for every single STD in existence, but most especially AIDS.”

“Okay,” the doctor said, seeming mildly amused. “Let me ask you a few questions first. That will help us determine which tests will benefit you the most.”

They weren’t prepared for the onslaught of personal questions. The doctor wanted to know how many partners he’d had, which sort of sexual acts he engaged in, if he used drugs and if so what kind, and on and on. Omar answered all of these questions without hesitation. There was nothing to be shy about.They both knew about each other’s lack of experience. Only one question seemed to trip him up.

“Are your sexual partners men, women, or a mixture of both?” the doctor asked.

“That doesn’t matter,” Omar replied.

Anthony felt a burst of gratitude. Was his best friend defending gay people?

“There’s no judgment here,” the doctor assured him. “As I said, these questions help us determine your level of risk.”

“But the actual test would be the same, right?” Omar pressed. “Like, if a dude slept with another dude, would he get a different test than if he’d slept with a woman?”