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The wait was even longer this time. But when the phone rustled again…

“Hey.”

One word. That’s all it took to make Ricky want to cry tears of relief, because he hadn’t heard that voice in so long.

“Jeremiah,” Ricky said into the phone while practically nuzzling it against his face. “Hey.”

“What’s going on?” Jeremiah said curtly. “My mom said it was important.”

“It is! I want to see you again.”

The line was quiet. Was his mother standing right there? Maybe he couldn’t speak freely. That was okay. Ricky could do all the talking.

“My parents said I could come visit over winter break,” he explained.

“Oh,” Jeremiah replied.

Ricky swallowed. “Aren’t you excited? I miss you!” No response. “Are you alone?”

“Yeah,” Jeremiah said.

“Is it because of Lucy? Are you still with her?”

“Huh-uh. We broke up.”

Ricky’s pulse quickened. This was great news! “I’m sorry to hear that,” he said. “We could hang out again. Like we used to. When I come visit, I mean.”

Silence.

“Talk to me,” Ricky pleaded. “Don’t you miss me too?”

“No,” Jeremiah said. “When I think about the game we used to play, I’m embarrassed by it.”

“It wasn’t a game,” Ricky said, feeling wounded. “It was love. That’s what you called it. Remember?”

“Sort of,” Jeremiah said, his voice cracking. “It doesn’t matter. There’s someone else already.”

“A girl?”

“Yeah.”

“That’s fine,” Ricky said, swallowing against the pain. “I don’t mind. I just want to be around you again. I hate it here. Please. Let me come see you.” He pressed the phone harder to his ear, hearing nothing but static until he detected the gentle inhalation of breath.

“I’m sorry,” Jeremiah said. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Why?” Ricky said.

The only answer he received was a click. He pulled the phone away from his ear and stared at it in disbelief. Then he began slamming it ineffectively against the mattress before he threw it across the room, a sob escaping his mouth. Ricky wrapped his arms around himself protectively and curled into a ball, but it did nothing to alleviate the searing ache in his heart as he began to weep. He wouldn’t be returning home to Colorado. Nobody wanted him there. Just like he wasn’t welcome here. Even a high school bully had decided that he wasn’t worth the effort. Nobody loved him. His parents, sure, but so what? They were driven by a biological imperative or whatever.

The tears continued, but he found no catharsis in them. What did he have to look forward to? Nothing. What hope awaited him in the future? None! He was better off dead.

Ricky sat up and considered the idea. Not for the first time. When feeling down, he sometimes tried to imagine how exactly he would take his own life. He didn’t want to cut himself. That would hurt too much. His parents didn’t own a gun. He wouldn’t know how to use it anyway. What he wanted more than anything was to go to sleep and never wake up again. For now he remained in bed, alternating between bouts of sobbing and quiet despair. Then he got up and trudged out of the room to see what his options were.

Ricky went to the medicine cabinet in his parents’ bathroom. He didn’t know what any of the prescriptions were for, but some had special warning labels. He selected those and brought them downstairs, setting the bottles in a row on the kitchen counter. He poured himself a big glass of orange juice. Then he opened the first bottle, took out a single pill, and considered it.

Jeremiah had rejected his love, despite once embracing it. Ricky took a pill. Cameron had seemed interested until meeting him. Ricky took a pill. Omar was nice, but all he really cared about was his girlfriend. Another pill. Anthony hated him. One more pill. Diego didn’t want to talk to him, or sleep with him, or even pick on him anymore. Fuck it! Ricky emptied the first bottle, swallowing the contents. Then he reached for the next, and while crying, slowly committed himself to oblivion.

CHAPTER 36