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“You know what my therapist told me?”
Groaning, Noah rolls his eyes. “No.”
He’s never thought therapy was the answer in all this, which is why he’d refused to go with me. I don’t think I’d thought about the words she told me or really let them sink in until now. “She told me to let yourself feel the pain. Let yourself be upset and angry. It’s okay. The only way you can heal is to acknowledge it and feel it. Then, and only then, can you move forward. Not forget, but move forward. It’s okay for us to be sad, Noah. She was our baby. She fought hard, and it’s up to us to fight just as hard.”
With each word, his demeanor shifts like a tide rolling in. He fights it; he wouldn’t be Noah Beckett if he didn’t. And then, just as easily as he puts up the fight to be the strong man he is, he loses it just as quickly. With his body shaking, his forehead rests against my shoulder. Reaching up, I run my hands over the back of his neck to his damp hair. And we cry. Together. We hold each other and feel the pain. Something we haven’t done since she died.
“It’s okay to be broken,” I tell him, his grip tightening around my waist as he drops to his knees before me. He holds onto me until I lower myself to his level and we break, together because it’s the only way for us to come back from this. He’s lost the battle to remain hardened, his tough guy exterior giving in, fading away.
“I’m not going anywhere,” he cries, kissing my neck, his lips venturing to mine. He stops kissing me, his eyes on mine, sure and steady with his words, “My forever stands if yours does.”
A shiver scurries down my spine. He scans my face, stripping me bare with just a look. Through everything over the last two years, deep down, I don’t think my heart ever doubted his love. My mind wandered to the worst-case scenario, but my heart, the one that knew his intentions, she knew and kept me holding on. “My forever is with you,” I assure him, knowing my forever will always be with this man through everything.
They say losing a child is the ultimate test of your marriage and your own personal strength. If we made it through that, I know we can make it through this. Together.
Twenty-Nine
Regret and Rum Balls – Noah
(Keep a close eye on Aunt Dee.)
Kellyand I stay inside the barn for probably an hour. I have no idea where we were going from here, or even if shit was okay, but it seemed like a start. But for the first time since we laid Mara to rest, it feels like we’re going in the same direction. Together.
We’re sitting on the hay bale. She’s on my lap, her arms wrapped around my shoulders. I press my lips to her forehead. “We should go check on the kids.”
Nodding, she hums. “We should.”
Sliding off my lap, she stands and holds out her hand. “Hopefully they’ve been behaving.”
I take Kelly’s hand in mine and peek out the barn doors into the night. The sun has set, leaving the sky a golden purple color since the storm passed. Scattered puffy clouds look like marshmallows, and the thought makes me smile. Mara loved marshmallows. Said they tasted like sugar cotton balls.
Hand in hand, Kelly and I make the half mile walk from the barn to my parents’ house. The circle driveway is still filled with a handful of cars, and I can’t tell for sure if the wedding was called off or not.
“I feel like such a horrible sister right now,” Kelly whispers, trekking along beside me with her bare feet. “I ran off in the middle of her crisis.”
“You’re not a horrible sister.” I motion for her to hop on my back. “Here, I’ll carry you.” She takes me up on the offer. I smile contently when she rests her chin on my shoulder. “Reminds me of the night we got married.”
I laugh at the memory of me carrying her down this very path. She was five months pregnant at the time, so it made it a bit awkward, but we managed. I guess maybe that’s how we’re going to get through all this. We’ll manage. It won’t be easy. It’s not magic. It doesn’t just fix itself, and I know that. It’s not like I’m going to be able to snap my fingers and get over this.
“Do you miss living here?” she asks.
I think about the question for a moment. “There’s things I miss, yes, but I think I’d be worse off if we still lived here. I felt like every day I was suffocating here with the reminders of her.”
“I feel closer to her here.”
I slide her off my back to stand in front of me. “What are you saying?”
“Somedays I think about moving back. You know?”
I nod. “I know. Me too, but I don’t know. I just started the shop. The house isn’t finished.” I could really go on and on about the reasons why it’s not a good idea to drop everything and move back. But in reality, that’s exactly what I did to her when I moved us to Santa Barbara on a whim. Drawing in a deep breath, I shake my head. “I’m sorry I uprooted us over my own shit.”
She touches my cheek. “I get it, Noah. I really do. I don’t regret us moving and I don’t think it’s time to move back, but maybe someday.”
Leaning in, I press my lips to her forehead. “Someday.”
* * *
Back at the house,the wedding is on hold. While guests are mingling, Justice and Kelsey are missing, and her dad looks pissed.