Page 214

You don’t believe me, do you?
Well, I do. We took on a few more employees and it helped me not have to be there as often and spend more time with Madison and the kids.
Am I happy?
Yes. I can honestly say I am. I miss having my hands on everything with the business, but I take pride in the fact that I still own the company and my hard work over the years built it.
Wanna know what else I built?
This family. It was literally made with my smooth balls.
Take a look at all of them. Callan reading to his baby sister as she chews on the pages he’s turning. Noah and his pet dog. Yes, we got Rowdy for him. Or it was more along the lines of it showed up on our doorstep like Beethoven. We later found out it was Brantley’s doing, but how are you going to tell your kids you’re not keeping the dog?
And after he peed on Noah once and he didn’t kill it, I figured we could keep the adorable drywall eating black lab.
And then there’s Madison, my beautiful wife and mother of my children. She’s never looked more beautiful as she does now with pieces of Captain Crunch in her hair.
I forgave her pretty easily after what she did. She gave me a blow job.
I’m kidding. She really did give me a blow job that day but that wasn’t why I forgave her. Only a fraction of why. I forgave her because of all this around me right now. The house, the kids, her, I wouldn’t have this today if I hadn’t forgiven her, and it’s far better than the alternative.
Sure, I was pissed about what happened but because of Madison filing for divorce, it woke me up to what was happening around us. I not only saw I was a bad husband for not doing my job and treating her the way she deserved to be treated, but I realized I was a bad dad. The relationship I have with Callan now is what I should have had all along.
By the way, in case you’re wondering, we planned our trip to Ukraine. It’s not until he’s twelve, but still, we’re totally going with hopes of at least having the ability to turn green when we return home.
And Noah, he hasn’t killed anymore animals since I’ve been around more. That’s gotta count for something.
While everyone’s getting ready for the day, I sneak upstairs, take a quick shower and then I’m back in the kitchen kissing the kid’s good-bye.
I may not have mentioned her much yet but do you see my daughter there in her high chair? The one who’s a spitting image of Madison in every way but has my green eyes?
That’s Evie, a little six-month-old princess who has all the boys in her family wrapped around her finger. Even Wolverine, who’s handing her a banana as a peace offering for stealing her teddy.
She also never stops crying at night. We love her anyways, her and her impressive fucking lungs. “How’s my princess?” I pick her up after she’s had a couple of slices of her banana and I should have paid more attention to the fact that she had a banana. Mostly because after smiling at me, she pukes all over the front of my shirt.
She hates me. I’m sure of it.
“Well shit,” I say, staring at the puke.
“Yuck!” Noah gags again when he sees the puke. He has a weak stomach. And yet he drinks from the toilet. Just the smell of toilet water would make me gag.
Did I mention Evie doesn’t like bananas? Why would she? They’re disgusting.
I gag just thinking about the slimy dick-shaped fruit. No men actually eat bananas. At least I don’t. I don’t eat any dick-shaped food. Bananas, hot dogs… all no goes for me.
How did we even get on this topic?
Oh, right. Baby puke. All down the front of me. It’s disgusting. Banana baby puke?
Even worse.
But you know what, the smiling little girl in my arms whose tummy feels better is worth the baby puke. And I wouldn’t change it for the world. Just my shirt.
Madison sets her head on my shoulder and then kisses my cheek. “Poor daddy. He’s having a rough morning.”
Shifting Evie to my hip, I reach around to put my arm around Madison and pull her hair. “And mommy’s going to have aroughnight.”
She slaps my hand away, laughing. “You’re going to be late.”