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“No. I hate leggings.” Kate gestures to her holey sweats and flip-flops. “They suffocate my legs. And why would you have my clothes?”
Gretchen yanks at them once more. “Because you secretly snuck in my house and took mine and replaced them with these.”
“Yeah, ’cause I totally have time to do that during the day.”
Charlee closes her mailbox and rolls her eyes. “Bills, bills, bills, oh, look. Dicks. Old dicks.”
“Gross.” Kate rips the circular from her hand and examines it. “Seriously, what is that?” She points to a photograph on the inside with a picture of a naked couple.
“It’s a mailer they send out once a month.” Charlee glances at a very clueless Ashlynn, feeling the need to explain. “My husband is having a midlife crisis. He joined a nudist group.”
“There’s a nudist group?” I regret asking, but do anyway.
“Yeah, it’s like those groups of people that get together and do fun things like hiking and volleyball.”
Kate puffs out her chest and makes a demonstration like she’s playing volleyball. “While their titties and weenies bounce around. I think I’d go just to people watch.”
“Seriously though, it’s bad. He’s gone completely crazy.” Charlee lets out a dejected sigh. “I know he’s not like,cheatingor anything, but it’s weird, right?” All of us nod. Even Ashlynn, who for the most part, seems like she would be nonjudgmental about Steve’s newfound love of being naked. “Ever since he joined that stupid group, he’s constantly putting his dick on display. Literally, his cock is always out. Cock with your coffee. Oh, let’s have lunch and then there’s cock with your cucumbers. It’s awful. I didn’t like the sight of his dick before, let alone seeing it multiple times a day. He’s not circumcised, and it’s like looking at an angry snake trying to shed its skin.” All of us shiver in disgust. All. Of. Us. “Ella won’t come home most days because she’s afraid her dad’s gonna be naked watching TV. And now she’s dating rebel child.”
Gretchen acts like she slapped her in the face. “My son isnota rebel. He’s a sweet boy.”
Charlee’s eyes about bug out. “He keyed my car because I told him to stop parking in the street.”
“Well, you did call the police on Jayden.”
Charlee laughs nervously. “Because he keyed my car, Gretchen.”
Gretchen waves her off. “He paid for a new paint job.”
With an eye roll, Charlee keeps walking. “You meanyoudid.”
“Whatever.”
Believe it or not, Charlee and Gretchen are friends. Like good friends. I swear.
Beside me, Kate’s still staring at the mailer in her hand. And then she hands it back to Charlee. “Maybe if I start walking around naked, my husband might move out.”
“You have twin eleven-year-old boys at home and your dad lives with you. Pretty sure that’s not a good idea.”
“Why is Jason still living with you?” Charlee asks Kate, looking at her wine bottle with that same surp-gusted look Gretchen gave Ashlynn when she found out she sticks dicks in her for a living. “That’s weird.”
“Kelly told Noah she wants a divorce,” Kate blurts, trying to draw the conversation away from her and her drinking problem. “So, that’s new.”
They all look to me like I have a different head all of a sudden. “You seriously told him that?”
After smacking Kate upside the head, I sigh, a heavy weight of uneasiness settling over me. “No, I didn’t saydivorce,” I whisper, hoping Hazel can’t hear me. She’ll repeat it to Noah for sure.
“Speak up. I can’t hear you,” Gretchen notes like she’s that old she can’t hear me.
I call bullshit. She’s what, forty-five. No way your hearing goes that soon. “I don’t want Hazel to hear me.”
“It’s not like she knows what we’re talking about.” Kate looks up to see Hazel trying to ride Miley like a horse.
I feel bad for Miley and the worst part about my kid crawling all over her? The dog allows it. I’m telling you, these are the incidents when a child gets bitten by the dog, and they say to the local news, “I never saw it coming.” And in reality, that kid was invading that dog’s personal space like nobody’s business and the dog finally snapped. Not that I want Miley to make a meal out of my kid’s face, but I’d understand if she snapped and took a chunk out of her adorable cheeks.
“Yes, she does,” I point out, walking a little slower to create some distance. “She’s five. They’re way smarter than you think.”
I learned my lesson talking around her when she learned to speak. Don’t tell that kid anything. Oliver, he’s like a vault of information you’re never getting out of him. Hazel, don’t trust her. And here’s why. You know how when you’re in the bathroom, your kids just barge their way in like it’s a common meeting place? Hazel did this once while I was changing my tampon. After a very awkward conversation about how mommies bleed once a month and how all that works, I figured Hazel would drop it.