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I bet Derek Jeter does.
I’ll shove his bat up his ass if he’s trying to round home plate with my wife. Listen, I have nothing against Derek Jeter. And he’s probably never even seen my wife, but I’m just using him as an example. I’d use David Beckham, because I bet he’s the type of guy Madison would go for, but wrong sport. We don’t see many soccer players in the desert.
I take a step toward my office behind Kennedy’s desk only to have her groan and smack me on the shoulder with a set of building plans. “Hey, dude, day off? Remember?”
“Oh, right.” I wave my hand around. “Yeah, sure. Take it off. I don’t really care.” Believe me when I say my voice is completely dejected. It’s almost pathetic.
Kennedy stands up, her hand on my forehead. “Are you sick?”
I stare blankly down at her. She’s like five one. Being six one myself, I won’t ever be eye level with her unless I’m sitting down. “No, why?”
“You just told me I can take the day off. Last time I asked for a day off, you asked my mother to fill in for me.”
I expect people to be at work. I don’t understand the need for a day off during the week when you have weekends off. You don’t see me taking a day off during the week, do you?
Before you answer that, I didn’t take today off. I simply took a couple hours to find out why my wife suddenly filed for divorce.
“I’m fine.” I step into my office. “Let me know if Madison calls and call the electrical inspector and see where he’s at.”
Sitting down in my chair, I scan my desk for my cell phone I tossed down somewhere on this mountain of paperwork a minute ago. I find it next to my wedding photo.
A stabbing sensation hits my heart. Leaning forward, I rest my elbows on my desk and stare at the photograph. We’re standing facing each other, nearly kissing with her arms wrapped around my shoulders. She looks happy in that picture. I remember the day like it was yesterday and the way nothing else mattered but us and the adventure we found ourselves on.
We were still in college when Madison got pregnant with Callan. Not long after we found out, I proposed. Marriage seemed like the thing to do. I wanted to marry her. I did, I still want to be married to her. Would I have asked had she not gotten pregnant our junior year of college? Probably not for a while, but I did, and I don’t regret it.
Wasn’t she happy? I always thought she was. Or had I been so focused on my business I didn’t realize we were slipping away?
I mean, isn’t that what every country song’s about? Wife leaves him, then the dog? We don’t have a dog so at least I have that going for me. We do however have kids, and if she takes them from me too, she might as well rip my fucking heart out and toss it to the wolves.
IT’SSURPRISING THE shit you can learn from Google when doing some research.
Did you know women file for divorce twice as often as men do? Don’t believe me? Google it. First thing that pops up.
Want to know the number one reason as to why they ask for a divorce… per Google?
#1 Infidelity.
I’ve never cheated on her. Ever. Wouldn’t even think about it. Look at her. That’s like marrying Jennifer Aniston and cheating on her. Brad Pitt, you’re a dumbass. I’m sorry, loved you inOcean’s Eleven, but you’re pretty fucking dumb.
Next one?
#2 Incompatible.
Okay, well, that’s just bullshit. We’re compatible. Remember the shower?
#3 Drinking/Drug Use.
Um, can we pass over the drinking? I don’t do drugs but is it wrong to drink a six-pack in one night three days a week? Maybe don’t answer that just yet. Let’s move on.
#4 Grew Apart.
I wouldn’t think we’ve grown apart, have we?Again, remember the shower?
#5 Personality problems.
That could be debatable on my part. Around the third day of every month, she turns into a completely different person and as we call it, “shark week” takes over.
#6 Lack of communication.