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He couldn’t figure out who he was if he was only ever told who he wasn’t. He just wished it hadn’t taken losing Juniper to finally find courage enough to realise it.

36

By the Thursday of that week, Juniper missed Cerberus terrible amounts. She was thankful she no longer had much time to mope around her tiny dorm room between classes and work, but the empty place on her desk still made her feel lonelier than ever. And not just because the hamster was gone.

All she saw of Aiden these days was his back in workshop classes, hunched with more tension than his toned shoulders usually carried. She spent every lesson with a lump in her throat, trying not to cry at the sight of him, and it made her feel ridiculous. He was just a boy she’d slept with. A boy she’d never even liked. A boy who had no understanding of what she was going through and tried to heal wounds with bank notes instead of stitches.

So why was it all so heavy? Why did she feel like her life in London had suddenly gotten a lot greyer and a lot smaller?

It was that question that had led her to Cartwright Gardens, though she’d been lingering around the greenery on the other side of the road for well over fifteen minutes now. She just wanted to see Cerberus before she headed to work. Make sure he was clean and fed, because that was her responsibility.But she’d have to talk to him, and she didn’t think she’d be able to. Not without giving her misery away – and her guilt. Despite her anger at him, she’d hurt him, too, and she didn’t want that.

Get it together, Juni,she told herself, and finally crossed the road. She took a deep breath before unlocking the gate, but as soon as she stepped into the narrow front garden, she was hit by a complete lack of air, as though she’d stepped into a vacuum. She couldn’t do this. Couldn’t see him. It was too messy, and not the sort of messy she was used to. If he tried to talk to her, tried to—

‘Bugger!’

The door rattled, handle twisting, and her first instinct was to run. Of course, her legs had already turned to jelly, so the best she could do was fall into a tangled deep green shrub of red berries, muddying her black work clothes in the process. The thin branches scraped her skin, and she let out an ‘Ow!’

Aiden stepped out just in time to see the whole thing. His hair was a ruffled mess like he’d just rolled out of bed, olive skin a tad paler than before, but frown as disarmingly fond as always. ‘Juniper… What on earth are you doing in my bush?’

She huffed and yanked herself up, ignoring his hand when he reached out to help. ‘I’m here to see Cerberus. And to tell you that I’ll take him home at the end of February for half-term, so he won’t be your problem for much longer.’ She’d wanted to sound detached, but the roiling emotions inside her made it impossible. Perhaps it was time to accept that she could be a lot of things for Aiden – angry, sad, humoured,elated, infatuated – but indifferent wasn’t one of them. Never had been.

He scratched his unkempt stubble with his thumb slowly. ‘Right. And how did you plan to get in if you’re hiding from me?’

‘I’m not hiding from you. I fell. Your flagstones are uneven.’ A lie. His flagstones were perfect, just like all the others on this street. Just like him, with his silly face and voice and—

God, even his eyebrows. Thick dark, shapely. Simply not fair.

‘Right.’ Aiden twirled his keys around his finger. ‘Well, I was just heading to the shops, but come on in.’

She was hoping he might just let her in then leave her to it, but he held the door open for her and followed her back into the hall. She gulped at the sight of his living room, the place she’d found comfort on her shittiest day, and beelined straight to Cerberus’s cage so she wouldn’t be tempted to see what paintings he’d been working on.

It turned out there was nothing for her to do. The hamster was clean, fed, watered. He didn’t look like he’d missed her at all.

‘I changed his bedding this morning,’ Aiden said quietly. ‘He’s all taken care of, if that’s what you’re worried about. I wouldn’t…’

‘I know.’ The thought had crossed her mind just once, that maybe Aiden wouldn’t want to take care of him anymore, but she couldn’t imagine a world where he was cruel. He’d never been cruel. Not like her. ‘You don’t have to do that. I can come and clean him. I should have been around earlier, I just…’

‘I know,’ he whispered, voice soft and inviting and all the things it had always been for her.

She clamped her lips together and unlocked the cage, glad when Cerberus dashed straight into her palm. Her smile was shaky as she placed a gentle kiss on his tiny, warm head, smoothing his tawny fur with a light finger. ‘I missed you, little guy.’

Aiden shuffled behind her, and then said: ‘Juni. Can’t we talk about this?’

‘I can’t. I really, really can’t right now.’

‘I miss you,’ he said. ‘All the time. Not seeing you—’

‘I can’t.’ Her voice wavered this time as she turned to face him, keeping Cerberus steady in her hand. ‘I need to stay focused on the contest. The deadline is two weeks away. And I have work in twenty minutes. We will talk about it, just not yet. I can’t afford to be a mess now, okay?’

His downturned mouth made her want to change her mind, apologise, say all the things she’d been thinking over the last few days. Tell him she missed him, too. But this thing with Aiden had always been an explosion waiting to happen, just like her teapot in the pit fire, and she didn’t have the strength to wade through the debris just yet. To try to piece together something that would help them move on once and for all.

He nodded, fingers flexing at his sides. ‘Well, you know where I am if you change your mind. And if I can help at all with this contest thing, I’m here.’

So you can have your dad bribe the judges?she thought, but knew it wasn’t fair.

Her eyes welled with tears. She admired Cerberus a final time and then placed him back in his cage. ‘Thanks for letting me in.’

‘Of course. Anytime.’