Page 73

Maybe that was the real problem.

I wasn’t ready to face my mother.

I know, however, that it’s only thanks to Aden that I am able to deal with this issue so quickly. It was something that was like a sword of Damocles hanging over me, a constant threat, a constant sorrow that made me almost give up myself and all my dreams for the future.

Part of me believed I deserved it for all the bad things I did as a teen. But now, I just want to break free.

All pumped and ready to tackle my life, I decide to meet DeeDee next and talk about a job. I take Mateo with me for emotional backup and meet him at DeeDee’s favorite Italian restaurant. As usual, DeeDee is late, so Mateo and I sit down and order something to drink.

“Thank you, Mateo, I know you are probably busy.”

“What are you talking about? Never too busy for one of my friends.” He pats my head. “Sterlone wanted to come too, but he has to finish a painting.”

“Right!” I beam. “Aden mentioned there will be a new exhibition in a couple of weeks.”

“It’s a big thing,” Mateo says. “Aden wants Sterling to show a couple of his drawings this time around, and be there on the day of the exhibit, to talk to potential customers and explain his art. This is a huge chance.”

“He’d better work his ass off,” I say, my heart taking a leap of joy. “Things are really looking up for all of us, huh?”

“Looks like it,” Mateo grins. “For the first time ever.”

“How are things going with Lynn?”

“She is so cool.” He beams. “We are going slow and haven’t put a label on us yet, but there is no way I will just let her go, now that I know how fucking awesome she is.”

He must have totally clicked with her. “I am happy for you,” I say. “You deserve it. And from what I have heard, Lynn deserves it too.”

Aden hinted to me that Lynn was disappointed by the men she dated. She is a powerhouse, strong, capable, and wealthy. However, I know that Mateo won’t give a shit about any of that. He is just not an insecure person, not about that at least. Instead, he would be proud of her and what she accomplished.

“And you are truly ready to finally quit those shitty jobs of yours?” Mateo interrupts my train of thought.

“Yes, I am ready.”

“Finally,” Mateo exclaims, “you are seeing reason!”

“You make it sound like I am utterly unreasonable.”

“You are stubborn,” Mateo says. “You wouldn’t even accept Sterling and my help whenever we offered. I am just glad that Aden got through to you.”

I allow his words to sink in. My first instinct is to lash out at him for suggesting I needed Aden to get my ass up, but the more reasonable part inside me knows that Mateo and Sterling have just been concerned… for ages. “I wasn’t ready, Mateo,” I admit.“It wasn’t so much that it was you and Ster offering help, and me being overly prideful. It’s… I wasn’t ready to let go of the guilt.” I pause. “Aden made me realize that I deserve more from life and that it’s okay to be selfish and reclaim my life. I probably worried you both a lot, and I am sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” he mutters, looking flustered. “We are best friends. Obviously, we’ll have your back whenever you need it. We would have continued pushing you for as long as you needed it. You are a good guy, Noel. You are allowed to be happy.”

You are allowed to be happy.

Can I honestly allow myself to be happy?

“One step at a time,” Mateo says as if he just read my thoughts. “We are starting with quitting your job.”

“I could not believe it when I heard it!” I hear DeeDee’s voice right behind me. She pats Mateo’s shoulder before pulling me into a hug and smooching the top of my head. When she lets go, she tosses three folders towards me. “These are all friends,” she tells me. “One is a bar that shows live bands, one is another drag queen bar, and the third is just a normal bar, but a small fancy one. All of them are hiring.”

I feel my chest squeeze slightly. It’s getting real. And somehow, the thought is terrifying me. What if I fail? What if, despite all the help I am getting, I won’t be able to deliver? I will disappoint them all.

You are such a failure.

Disappointment…

…useless…