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And what fool was he but he could not return it in equal measure.
He ignored the burning pain at the center of his chest. He ignored everything. Everything but this one clear truth. He would take her. He would use her, as he had done when she was his assistant, and in the end it would be no different. She would leave him. She would be wise to do so.
When he was not able to give what she needed him to give, when he could not make her feel what she wanted to feel.
When every moment of their lives was her giving him the most wonderful, thoughtful present imaginable, but she couldn’t look at him and understand the way that he felt. And he couldn’t find the words to tell her.
He would fail her.
As he had failed to be the son that his father wanted.
He had perhaps lied to himself. That he could become the father his own child would need.
He had a purpose. That purpose was medicine.
It was clear. It was clear. He knew exactly what to do with the human body, but the mysteries of the human soul were beyond him. His own most of all.
How could he have thought to bring her into this mess?
It was wrong.
He had to let her go.
He had to.
“Polly, we cannot continue on like this.”
“What are you saying?”
“I will never be able to feel the things that you want me to. I will never be able to show you the sort of care that you want, and I fear that it will be the same with our child.”
“Have I expressed disappointment in what you have given me?”
“No. Sometimes.”
“And when I have, I have asked for clear change, haven’t I?”
“Yes, you have. But... With this revelation of love and my inability to return it...”
“Have I asked you to? Have I told you that it is unbearable for me? Have I told you that I need you to say the words back to me right now?”
“No. But you will. You will, and there will come a time when I have to figure out how to be this thing for you, and I don’t know how. I don’t want to spend half a lifetime failing you until you get to the point where you have no choice but to leave.”
“Luca, what have I ever done to give you the idea that would happen.”
“You quit the job. And whatever you say, you quit it because of me. Because of how I made you feel. Someday that will be true in our marriage. Someday... Someday you will do with me what you had to do with your parents. You had to walk away because they did not love you in the way that you needed to be loved.”
“You don’t trust me.”
“I do trust you. That is the problem. That choice, it would be the right choice. It would be the correct decision. And I would not be a good man—I would not be the good man that you have said you know me to be if I didn’t...if I didn’t take the first step in letting you go. Rather than wasting your time.”
“You promised me,” she said. “You promised me that you wouldn’t manipulate me. You promised me that you would be there for me.”
“I’m trying. With all of the limitations of my soul, I am trying. But I do not want to be the villain in this story.”
“It seems to me you don’t want to try to be the hero either.”
“You don’t understand.”