Page 59

“You’re the smartest man in the world.”
“That wouldn’t have made me immune to the sort of gaslighting you’re talking about experiencing.” She loved how he didn’t protest the label. “It is incredibly damaging. When you feel as if you cannot trust your own perception.”
Her heart twisted. “You feel like that a lot, don’t you?”
“Yes. And so I take refuge in the things that I can know. The things that I can learn and memorize. Because when it comes to those things, I am vastly superior to the people around me.”
He was gently teasing. Except he also meant it.
“You are. You definitely are.”
“I’m sorry. Do you... Do you feel as if I’m unpredictable? I know that sometimes the things that I want don’t make sense to the people around me, and that must feel unpredictable.”
“It did at first. But eventually I learned exactly what you wanted. You’re actually very good at saying what you want. Nobody has to guess. It isn’t a game that you’re playing. I find that extraordinarily comforting. Given the way that I grew up. Given the way that my parents excelled at making their moods into a guessing game that I was forced to participate in. And... I’m trying to figure out how to say this. But the things that you need, the details. The details that you had me in charge of that you say you don’t want to be bothered with, when in fact they are so important because if they aren’t dealt with...”
“Nothing works for me.”
“Exactly. They are not separate to you. They are part of you. And they are not a burden.”
“Thank you. Though I will be working at changing how I regulate those things.”
“Alternatively, you’re a billionaire, and you could hire about six people to see to those things.”
“Yes. I can. But the problem is... I became very dependent on you. And when you left, I thought that everything felt wrong because I needed you there to manage me. To manage all of the...the peculiarities. But it was more than that, and I couldn’t see it. Also I... I suppose I cannot depend quite so much on one person for that sort of thing.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that.” She moved toward him. “Nothing wrong with wanting to be more self-sufficient. But as far as I’m aware, that is part of having a partner. You figure out how to do things for each other. How to help each other. How to serve each other.” She went to the center of the table and took hold of her gift bag. “Here. Open this.”
He looked at the bag, and then up at her. “All right.”
He took hold of the bag, and she watched, her breath frozen in her lungs as he began to pull the paper away, as he reached inside and took out the little red car.
His face was blank. She couldn’t read it. She had no idea if he was happy, or if he was upset. If she had crossed some kind of line.
“Do you... Do you like it?”
He looked up at her, something fearsome in the depths of his gaze. “You know, I have never liked opening presents in front of people.”
“Why not?”
“Because I know my reaction is not what people are looking for.”
“I’m not upset by your reaction. I just want to know if you like it.”
He smiled then. Slowly.
“Of course I do. It is...incredibly thoughtful. I don’t think anyone has known me since my mother. But you do. You listened to me. You... You’re right. That is what our partnership can be.”
It still somehow felt like not quite what she was reaching for, but she didn’t want to define the ache inside of herself.
She didn’t want to have anything to do with it.
Because it was too much. All of this.
The intensity of the feelings that had held her in their grip since...
Since she had first met him.
It really would be a terrible thing to love him.