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“No, that is clearly forbidden by human resources.”
“And you care about that?”
“Yes. It’s there because people can get hurt if the rule is not there, and I never try to cause harm. I do it enough on accident as it is.”
Her stomach twisted. “I see.”
“Rules are very important.”
“You know, there are a great many men who disregard those rules. Men who...don’t struggle with the things that you do. They don’t care.”
“I do. I wouldn’t have devoted my life to healing people if I didn’t care about those around me. I would never have wanted to hurt you. I’m sorry that I did. But I am not sorry that you’re here. I’m not even sorry that you’re having my baby.”
“Did you want children?”
“No. I didn’t. But now that this child is growing between us, I find myself thinking about it in an entirely different way.”
“How did you think of it before?”
“I didn’t. I used condoms with all of my lovers, and I did not plan to ever have a relationship to progress past that point. It is a cliché, but my work has long been my mistress and I never believed it left room for there to be a significant relationship in my life.”
In some ways, it was very similar to her. She hadn’t thought outright that she would never have children, but of course, she didn’t have a lover. So the odds of accidentally landing herself with the child were zero. “But now you want one?”
“I want this child. Perhaps that doesn’t make sense. I know that the baby is the size of a raspberry.”
“Of course you do.”
“Anything medical, I am expert on. I also know that there is a chance that the child won’t make it to term.”
“I’d rather not think about that.”
“Really? I would’ve thought that in some ways it would be easier for you to miscarry.”
He wasn’t trying to be cruel, but still, it hit her like a brutal blow. “Well, maybe you’re right. But I don’t feel that way. I haven’t felt that way. Not even for a moment in the beginning. In fact...” She had cried. She had wept like she was dying, and then she had felt afraid. Afraid that her initial sorrow would mean that she was robbed of the life growing inside of her. It had been the single most contradictory, frightening thing she had ever been through. But in the end, she had been clear on the fact that she wanted the baby. That wasn’t ambiguous. Not in the least.
“I don’t want you to lose the baby either.”
“I have terrible parents,” she said.
She had never spoken of her parents. Not to anyone. “I mean, really terrible. They were so toxic, with each other and with me. What they did was tantamount to emotional abuse. It’s why I’m so good at putting a mask on every day of my life. It’s why I don’t like being vulnerable. Or caught unawares. It’s why I always pretend like I know exactly what’s going on, even when I don’t, because what I know is that when certain people think they can get to you, then they will. And if you show them what you really feel, they’ll manipulate it. I learned that from them. I didn’t think that I was like them. Until I lashed out at you yesterday. So now I know that when things get difficult, I’m not necessarily at my best.”
“I didn’t know that,” he said. “About your parents.”
“Of course you didn’t. I didn’t tell anyone. I tried to leave that life, that version of myself in Indiana.”
“I knew you were from Indiana because it’s in your file. But you have never spoken of it.”
“Because there’s nothing to say. I didn’t want to be that girl anymore so I moved to a new country and became a different one.”
“An extraordinary feat,” he said. “Truly. I only know how to be the man that I am and that comes with its own set of issues.”
“I know.”
They were silent for a moment. “I would like to let you go and even things out between us. In regard to lovers. But I can’t. I cannot be fair or impartial when it comes to the subject of you allowing other men to touch you. I cannot be...the way I usually am. So perhaps in that regard I have become new. Or maybe something has become new inside of me. Probably in the time since May twenty-fourth four years ago.”
There was something so earnest and lovely in those words. Maybe not everyone would see it, but she did.
She took a sip of the cinnamon-flavored tea and leaned back on the couch. She began to feel sleepy and set the cup on the table beside her.