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She believed so strongly in what he was doing.
Part of her was happy to be back working for the company, particularly in a position that suited her better.
None of her was happy about the surrounding circumstances.
She hated herself for the threat that she had issued. Was it so easy for her to decide to be like her parents when it suited her?
They had been so cruel. It had been up to her to manage their feelings, and it had been such a painful existence.
And when backed into a corner, she had been the same. Manipulative, taking things she knew to be weaknesses and exploiting that to hurt the other person.
She was deeply unhappy with herself. And yet, she was so tender regarding the whole situation that she didn’t know what she could’ve done differently.
How could she accuse Luca of not knowing how to deal with people when she had just proven that in a difficult situation she was no better?
The question he’d asked haunted her. Would she know what to do with a child like him?
She wanted to think so. After all, she had been very good with Luca. And not in a sacrificial way. She... She had come to appreciate him. The way that he was. Except then she had been cruel. She had used that as an excuse to allow herself to not deal with the complexities of their situation. Because that was the truth of it.
She had chosen what she had thought to be the path of least resistance.
It had been cowardly.
Maybe that was why she had given in to the marriage demand. Of course, she didn’t want to find herself in a situation where she didn’t have custody of her child, but she had to wonder if in part she had given in as penance. Because when she had heard herself throwing her own reasoning back in his face she had been appalled.
She was appalled by him as well.
Neither of them had been the best versions of themselves.
But they had both been true to type. And even more difficult truths to stomach. He had been inflexible, and she had bent round his inflexibility to whisper poison in his ear.
She had hurt him, and so he had lashed out. She didn’t want to be hurt so she had done the same.
And now she was marrying him.
If she didn’t marry him, she might lose custody of her child. He was a billionaire after all.
More to the point the idea of sharing anything with Luca—especially a human being—seemed exhausting and impossible.
Maybe what you’re really afraid of is living in the in between.
Maybe.
Maybe what really felt impossible was being with him without being with him.
In her ideal scenario, she didn’t have to be with him at all. It made it easier, to just ignore that he’d ever been the biggest part of her life. If she could make him disappear.
But she couldn’t have that so in many ways marrying him seemed easier than...
Than living near him, seeing him, dealing with him, without actually having him.
That made her feel like she was weak but...
She might be weak right now. Just a little. She certainly wasn’t cool, collected Polly who knew how to work a room, but didn’t let it work her.
She felt thoroughly worked.
She stood up from the bed, and wiped at her eyes. She should go and apologize to him. Maybe. Except she was afraid. Afraid of what would happen if she went to his room. Afraid of what would happen if they were alone. Not because of what he would do, but because of what she would do.