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She closed her eyes. “It did. But it made me uncomfortable. I could see where you were coming from. But...”
“I’m not allowed to always have my way.”
“No,” she said. “That’s part of sharing your life with somebody.”
“That’s probably why I have never done it before.”
“I haven’t really either, Luca.”
“You said that you were a virgin,” he said.
“Yes,” she said. “I was.” She moved the cloth away, and sat up, wrapping her hand around his bicep. “Because I had made a life for myself where I had all the control, and I liked it. I didn’t see the point of inviting another person in.”
She sighed heavily. “But that’s only part of the story. I also had a job and a boss that were completely all-consuming. And I couldn’t imagine being with another man while I was so enmeshed in your life.”
“Because I took up all your personal time?”
“That was part of it. Because of course nobody wants to be in the middle of an intimate moment and have their boss call and demand they tell him which tie he ought to wear for his next speech. But it was only part of it. I wanted you, Luca. And I couldn’t want somebody else while I wanted you.”
“Oh,” he said.
“Did you really not know?”
“I really didn’t. But then, you were my assistant, and that made you off-limits. And even though I had moments of failure in that area, I did my best to close off my thoughts of you. Now I’m glad that I don’t have to.”
She sighed heavily. “What are we going to do? Because if we introduce sex, then we are really in a marriage. And the potential to hurt each other...”
“We are really in a marriage. We got legally married.”
“I get that. I mean, I get that you see it that way. But I wanted to protect myself. Keep something that was mine. What am I going to do if things sour between us? You have all the power, and you already threatened to take our child away.”
“I will never threaten something like that again. I’m sorry.”
“Are you sorry because it scares me?”
“Yes. I am. I’m sorry that I used my position to terrorize you. That was the whole point of not having sex with you when you were my assistant. And then I did it anyway. It was the only way that I knew how to try and convince you to come with me.”
“Last time I asked you said you weren’t sorry.”
“As I got my way. But now I can see how I ought to be sorry about how I did it. About not giving you time. Not trusting you to come to the best conclusion.”
“Neither of us knows how to be in a relationship.”
He shook his head. “No. But we have a great many things to learn. And you are having my child. Also, I want you. I never wanted anyone the way that I want you. I’ve never forgotten myself. I’ve never forgotten to think. But when you touch me it’s like everything fades away. It’s like I understand...what it’s like to be somebody else for a while. I suddenly don’t feel consumed in an obsessive sort of way. Everything feels simple. And good. Like the only thing in my life is your hands on me. When normally I feel pulled in a hundred different directions all the time. I want that. I want more of it.”
“But you’re not in love with me,” she said.
“No.”
One of the many emotions he had no experience with, and no burning desire to try and explore. It would be far too much.
But he wanted her. And logically it made sense. It made a perfect kind of sense. They were already having a child. This connection between them existed. Why take all the energy it would require to suppress it? That would be madness. And he was not a man given to madness.
On purpose. Because he’d always had the feeling it could take him if it tried.
If he let it.
“I can’t promise you the same thing that another man might. But then, from what you told me about your parents you know that what starts as love can end as something entirely horrific.”