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Maybe I could have helped her fight whatever was haunting her.
Or maybe she just really missed my dad.
That’s the thing with suicide. It doesn’t just make the problems go away. Just transforms them. Now I have to live with her death and my father’s. It’s on my mind, in my heart, taken over my soul. I have to go on without her. I have to live with the pain of losing them.
I lay down against the school-provided-pillows and curl up with the box and the picture. I should probably get my room set up, but I’m just too tired to do that.
I close my eyes and picture a happier time in my life. My mother and father cheering me on after a dance recital. Eventually, my eyes become heavy, and I let sleep win.
* * *
I wake up to a banging on my door. I look out the window to see the sun is setting.
Damn, I slept the whole day away.
“Hey! Sleeping Beauty! You awake?” my roomie calls through the door as I try to wipe the sleep from my eyes. I head over, unlocking it and swinging it open. She chimes, “Well, you’re awake. Let’s go. Get yourself dressed. Let’s go get something to eat.”
“Um, I’m okay,” I say as I wrap my arms around myself and press my lips together in a thin line. Food is honestly the last thing on my mind; my bed is begging me to crawl back under the covers and forget about everything.
Liz pleads, “Look, I know you haven’t eaten all day. Come on! I know you’re starving.” As she looks at me with sad eyes, my stomach chooses that time to betray me and rumble quite loudly. She tilts her head, knowing what she heard. “See? You need food. It’ll be a good chance for us to get to know each other.”
I close my eyes for a moment and let out a sigh. The introvert in me is not happy that my roomie is very much the opposite of me. I open them to see the hopeful look on her face. Shit. She’s going to keep trying to be all friendly. Pick my battles. “All right. Let’s go. I guess some sustenance wouldn’t hurt.”
Liz claps her hands. “Yay! Okay, I can also give you a bit of a tour of the campus on our way there,” she says as she jumps up and down in obvious excitement. Oh my God, she is so excitable.
I walk over to my backpack and grab my meal card and ID before shoving them into the back of my jeans. I throw on my black hoodie and pick up my shitty phone. Not like I have anyone who wants to call me. My aunt was all too happy to shove me out the door this morning and get me out of her hair.
Liz is waiting at the door for me. I saunter over, and we head out of the room. I stay silent, hoping that she’ll realize I’m not one for conversation. Except she doesn’t realize that, and she doesn’t seem to have an off button.
“So, they just remodeled these rooms a couple years ago. Which, I mean, they needed it. Did you see the shower? It’s huge. The ones we had before had like that tub shower combo, ugh.” She sticks her tongue out and fake gags.
“Sounds rough.” That’s all I can offer her.
When you have so much privilege that a tub shower combo makes you want to vomit, I lose the ability to even care about the rest of the conversation. Must be nice to be that excited to have an upgraded shower just so you won’t feel so lowly.
God, I just need to survive this year without having to beat the shit out of rich bitches. Fly under the radar and keep my head down.Survive.
As we come out of the doors, we make our way down the paths towards the center of campus. The campus is not only huge, but it’s also dark and eerie. The trees are tall and wide, shrouding the path and area around in shadows. Barely letting the light in from the light poles around the path. The buildings add to the weird atmosphere, being so old and creepy.
You know what else makes my skin crawl? The over excited, slap happy nature of everyone I’ve run across here so far.
Liz begins to ramble again, “So that’s pretty awesome that they let you in your senior year. They don’t usually accept seniors. Freshmen—even sophomores they will, but I can’t remember ever truly hearing about a senior being admitted here.” She clasps her hands together as we walk down the barely lit path.
“Yeah, not like I had any choice in the matter.” I look away, trying to orient myself to where we’ve walked to.
“What do you mean?” Liz turns to me as we walk.
I shake my head, dismissing her. “It’s nothing.”
“Well, I’m excited. This is a great school, and you must be really special to get in for your senior year.”
We come up to another building like the rest on campus, but smaller in size. It doesn’t extend upwards like the dorms or the Forthright building. It’s less intimidating.
“What is this place?” I ask.
“This is the dining hall. Dorian Hall.”
“You all just have a whole building? Not just like a gym turned into a lunchroom?” I pull my brows in, confused with this whole set up.