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“Yup. Guess it pays to have been married to a rich guy. You know people.”
“And she got you a scholarship there?”
“Yeah. I mean my ‘poor me’ story can basically buy me an education. Woot! Don’t have parents, but wow! I’ll get the best education! If I milk it enough, maybe I can get someone to pay for college!”
“I’m sorry you have to go through this, Phoenix.” He stays silent for a moment. “What you saw that day, it’s traumatic. I know you have some walls up, and that’s okay for now. But we do need to eventually talk about it. We need to work through it.”
“I’m fine.” I don’t look at him. Instead, I stare out the window, watching the trees in the distance sway in the wind. The sun is filtered out by the leaves of the trees, cars zoom past each other on the street. People going about their daily lives, unaware that I sit here watching them.
“Are you?” he questions.
No, I’m not. My mother killed herself. I saw the grey look in her eyes, the blueish tint to her lips. I’m not okay at all. Both of my parents have abandoned me. I have no one. I’m alone.
But I refuse to tell him that.
“Yup. Totally fine,” I respond with a smile.
I spend the rest of the appointment in silence. It’s uncomfortable, but not as uncomfortable as sitting there and actually telling Dr. Parker what’s actually on my mind. I don’t want to rehash all that. I don’t need to go down that road; I just need to pick up and move on.
Before I get up to leave, he finally speaks up. “So, after talking with your aunt and the school, they agreed to allow me the ability to visit the campus to have sessions with you there. Since you don’t have transportation, and you will be busy with your studies. This way we can get in our time together and make sure you’re adjusting to the school and your new surroundings.”
My jaw drops before I clamp it shut, and I clench my fists. “Are you fucking kidding me? I thought this was just for the summer.”
“You went through something that doesn’t get fixed overnight. The school and your aunt both think that this would be best.” He stands and puts his hands in his pockets. “Can’t hurt, can it?”
“Oh, my fucking God! So now, not only do I have to start a new school, but now they will look at me like the crazy one because I have a therapist coming to see me every week! Wow! Way to kill my chances of fitting in, Doc.”
He gives me a firm look. “Everything will be done discreetly. No one will know that’s why you’re seeing me unless you tell them. They will have an office for us to have a session out of, and they said they can put it on the books as office time for you. Make it look like you are working there for a couple hours a week.”
I rub my hands over my face and let out a groan. “This is bullshit.” I pick up my things and immediately head towards the door, trying to get the hell out of there as fast as I can. I’ve had enough for today.
“Phoenix—” Dr. Parker calls out, but I run as fast as I can out the door and out of the office complex.
I turn out into the parking lot and head to the side of the building. I lean against the wall and slide down it, trying to catch my breath. Tears start to spill from my eyes, and I begin to hyperventilate. I can feel the ground spinning, and my vision starts to become tunnel-like. I close my eyes and drop my head to my knees.
These attacks have been happening since that day, usually at night.
But the fear of having to continue this at school, of having to deal with the loss, is too much for me. I wanted to leave it all behind.
Just like they left me.
Alone, scared. Having no one to talk to, no one to hug or even say ‘I love you’ to; they just left me.
Too selfish to think about me and my needs.
After a few minutes, I get myself under control and slowly stand up, keeping my back to the wall for balance. I’m supposed to text my dear Aunt Julie to come get me, but I don’t really want to see the bitch.
Once I gather enough strength, I start making my way back towards the house. It’s not far from here, but I could use that time to think. The sky is a vibrant blue, the wind cools me down with the sun beating down on me.
This town is beautiful, but it’s full of rich snobs. Many who live off their investments or dead husbands. They run successful businesses and basically have more money than they know what to do with. They donate to the poor communities around Black Forest as a gesture to say “See? We care. We share our riches.”
Yeah, money’s great. You can buy anything you want. Go anywhere in the world at the drop of a hat. Have people groveling at your feet for a piece of you. You can get away with anything. Money is the greatest. It can do anything for you.
But you know what it can’t do? It can’t bring back the people you lost.
Being here, going to this rich-people school, does nothing for me. Except get me into a good college if I can somehow find a way to afford it. And then what do I do? What will that get me?
A good job, a good place to live.