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I shake my head, “No, but does it even matter?”
Liz chews on her lip and then looks out at the student body that is filtering into the dining hall. “It will all blow over. You’re just new. Once the newness wears off, they will move on to the next big thing.”
I tip my head upward to the sky and let out a sigh. I look back down at her and smile. “Come on, I’m hungry. Let’s eat.”
We both walk into the den of whispers, also known as the Darkwood Dining Hall. Pointing, laughing, slut and whore being tossed around like they are the words of the day, and all I fucking want is something to eat.
Liz heads over to get her usual rabbit food. Salad with no dressing, the most boring and sad thing to eat ever. I head over to a section that has the Italian cuisine. Carbs. The best thing ever made. I point to the meaty looking lasagna and ask for a slice of it. I then grab the tongs on the end and add a couple pieces of garlic bread to my plate. The garlic invades my nose, and my stomach growls as it patiently waits for me to devour it.
I turn and see the kings and queens sitting in their usual spot. It’s as if Daxon feels my eyes on him, he looks up from his phone and narrows his eyes at me. Mason and Colton both just stare blankly at me. Colton I expect that from, Mason is more the outgoing one. Shifting my head, I look over to where Liz is sitting, by our usual table next to the window.
I make my way over to her, but suddenly find myself slamming into the ground. My chest slamming into the tray of lasagna and my hands crashing into the hard floor. I can feel the squishy sensation of the cheese and sauce under me. My white shirt is definitely ruined.
There’s a deafening silence that stretches over the dining hall until someone yells “dirty slut” and then everyone starts to laugh at my situation. I let out a growl as I push myself up off the floor. Noodles and sauce drip from my shirt, and my knees are red from banging them from the fall. My wrist that was finally on the mends now hurts again, and my entire body is vibrating with such a rage.
I turn to the kings and they sit there silently with faces of stone. The Barbie Bitches are cackling and jumping around for excitement over the fall.
I don’t wait around to even begin to clean that mess up. I grab a glob of lasagna still on my shirt and throw it to the ground. Walking right past Liz and her protests, I head out of the dining hall and walk to the far side of the campus away from the students and their bullshit.
I head over to the auditorium and check to see if anyone is in it. It’s very empty, and I thank my lucky stars it is. I need to go change since I smell like tomatoes and garlic, but right now I need to expel some of this rage that is boiling inside of me.
I get up on stage and throw my headphones on. Picking my phone out of my pocket, I scroll to Halestorm and start belting out my anger. I shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be left in this world alone like I am. My parents and I should be picking out colleges and talking about my fucking future. But they left me. My mother had a choice. She had a choice to stay with me, but no. She was too fucking selfish. She took her own life to leave me.
I wasn’t enough.
I have never been enough.
I’m not enough for them to love me. I’m not enough for this school to accept me as is. I needed a scholarship. The students on this campus don’t feel I’m enough to even associate with them. I’m nothing.
From the moment my father left this earth, I have been fighting to be enough. All that does is enrage me more. Tears fall from my face as I emotionally belt out the music. It’s not tears for what happened at the dining hall, it’s tears that I'm alone.
It’s tears of me fighting to keep my sanity.
Because after all that I have been through and seen, I’m holding on by a thread and trying to not combust from the rage inside me.
If losing my parents didn’t break me, then I can survive this.
They will not break me.
fifteen
PHOENIX
This week has been fuckinghell. All of it. And it’s still not fucking over. What started off nice and quiet is not ending that way. Oh, and it’s only Thursday.
This morning, I woke up to trash at my dorm door. Actual fucking trash at my door. All over the floor and smeared into my door. They took the fucking time to smear ketchup and other condiments into the door. God only knows at what time in the middle of the night they did that, but nonetheless, it was a mess.
What’s worse, it’s not Liz’s fault I am who I am, but yet she stood beside me to help me clean up the disaster that was left at our door. That was a complete nightmare.
I was late for my morning study hall, which got me dirty looks from the librarians and the teacher there. Fellow classmates were snickering as I entered and found a table to sit at. Of course, there were three sets of eyes staring me down from their own royal table. I obviously ignored them.
Then soon followed my science class where I was left with no chair at my table. The teacher ignored my pleas to find one. She told me I had the choice of standing at my desk or sitting at hers. Well, that was a no brainer, I stood at mine.
Mason proceeded to ask me if I wanted to sit on his lap the entire class. I told him in many different ways to go fuck himself. Though, if he wasn’t a king and a giant asshole, I’d actually give him the time of day. But that’s not happening.
In my business class, wads of paper were thrown at me every time the teacher turned around. Mrs. Leaver then yelled at me for making a complete mess around my desk. I tried to explain that it wasn’t me, but she didn’t care. I had to stay after class and pick them all up.
Did I also mention that we were supposed to work with our partner for the project, but Daxon completely ignored me and did his own thing? That left me completely clueless to what it was that I needed to do. I’m not some math wiz. I have no desire to go into business. Without his help, I failed the assignment for the day.