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My head tipped back, water pouring over my face, mixing with the tears. I don’t want to feel anymore. I don’t want to feel this pain.
But I do feel the release on the first cut.
I let out a breath. I welcome that pain. It’s a pain to the end. It was deep. I turn to the other wrist and let out a scream as I do, slowly sliding down the wall. My arms fall to my side.
The water washes away the blood as it comes out of me. My dress is plastered to my body.
“I’m sorry, Mom. I’m sorry you felt you couldn’t tell me,” I say through the tears. “But now I see why you did what you did. You were backed into a corner. Lost, alone. Felt like you caused it all. You caused someone pain. And that hurts to know that.
“But what I think hurts most is knowing that no matter where I go in life, your actions, your mistakes will haunt me. And I can’t live like that. I can’t live knowing you and dad destroyed someone else’s family.
“And I can’t live knowing that they took my heart and crushed it to dust. I feel like I’m being burned alive from the inside. And my heart can’t take it anymore. I can’t live knowing that none of it was real. I thought they cared. It wasn’t real.
“Neither was my life. The people I thought were my parents, were you both really? Dad apparently wasn’t, and you chose death over me. So where does that leave me? What choices do I have?
“None. It leaves me with nothing, Mom. And I don’t want this life you gave me anymore. I’m too tired. I don’t want to wake up. Because then I’ll be right back in this nightmare you left for me.
“I can’t fight anymore. They win.”
My head starts to feel light, and I find myself staring at the shower door. I watch the drops travel down the glass. I look down at my wrists, but I can’t feel the pain anymore. My body sags, and I welcome the feeling of letting go.
My eyes become heavy as my body starts to feel sluggish. I find myself slowly sliding down until I’m lying on the floor of the shower.
I close my eyes and welcome the darkness.
Where there’s darkness, there’s no pain.
So let the blackness slip over me and pull me under.
Goodbye to anyone that may have cared.