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“Bad for them? Why?”
“They’re just being themselves. They’re big dogs. They’re supposed to have a lot of energy. They’re not meant to be locked up in a small house. But yet, it’s like I can’t help but feel annoyed at them because they jump and bark and do everything.”
“Sometimes, we’re put in a world that isn’t ready to accept us for who we are. We just have to keep at it anyway.” I pat Bigfoot’s head.
When I look up, Madison is watching me closely. “Well, that was deep.”
I shrug. “Sometimes, I have thoughts worth thinking about go through my head.”
“No, it’s just… It’s like you understand me. There are so many things I want to do, but it’s like I can’t just take off and do them. I have to play by the rules of this world.”
“What do you want to do?” I watch Bella’s slow progress with the bowl. Samson has already finished his food, and he continues to eye Georgie’s bowl.
“Why do you feel like the world isn’t ready to accept you?” she counters.
“What? I didn’t say that.”
“You didn’t have to.” Madison makes eye contact with me for a long minute. Then, she looks away. “I mean, you don’t have to say anything you don’t want to. I just… I thought maybe…”
Madison is being vulnerable with me. She’s being herself, and I can feel some of the walls around my heart starting to crumble.
“Okay, my dad was…harsh on me. Nothing I did was ever good enough. It…hurt a little bit that when I was accepted to one of the best schools in the country, he didn’t care because if I was really good, I would have ‘been offered a scholarship.’ His words, not mine.”
Madison stands up. She reaches for me, but I don’t want her sympathy. Besides, it doesn’t really bother me anymore. I know that I make a difference. I think about the patient whose x-ray I was shown as I was ending my shift, though. Could I have made a bigger difference if I had been willing to stay late?
“Sucks when parents don’t appreciate you. Or really, when no one appreciates you. I completely understand. Sometimes, since my parents moved away, it really feels like I’m on my own. It feels like I have so much on my shoulders.”
Now, it’s my turn to feel sorry for her. I start to reach for her. I want to pull her into a hug, but Bigfoot tugs on the leash just then, pulling me deeper into the living room. I smile back at her and laugh at his antics.
“I answered your question. Now, you have to answer mine.”
“You didn’t finish answering my question.” Madison frowns.
“What else can I say? I’d rather not deal with daddy issues.”
“I just… I wondered if you’ve dated anyone since your wife… Since everything happened with Aurora’s mom.”
I sigh and look down at the ground. It’s been nearly eight years since we separated. It was a mutual decision. I’m sure that Madison knows the basic facts of what happened because she and Aurora are so close. I don’t need to fill her in on those.
“She and I had a lot of fundamental differences. They were easy to overlook at first, but then…”
“Then, they weren’t. And she moved out.”
“She decided that she wanted a cut of my money but nothing to do with me. It was easier to just give her the money than to continue fighting with her.”
“Do you still love her?”
I shift, uncomfortable with the direction the conversation has taken. I look over and see that Georgie’s bowl of food is empty. I don’t know if it was Samson or Georgie who ate it, but I let go of Bigfoot’s leash because he’s eager to investigate.
I reach for Madison. There’s only one reason she is asking these questions. Could it be that she feels something stronger for me than just wanting sex? Because as I look at her, I realize it’s true for me. I like spending time with Madison and having conversations, even the tough conversations.
“No. I think I appreciate the fact that she gave birth to Aurora. I will always be grateful for that. But I don’t love her. I haven’t talked to her in several years. Is there a reason…” But before I can finish probing into Madison’s question, she answers the one I asked several minutes ago.
“What I really want to do is run a surf school. I don’t want to deal with slobbery dogs every day. They are cute, but it’s like they invade every corner of my life. There is still a lot of dog hair in my bedroom even though I keep the door closed all the time.”
I remember when she showed up at my front door and asked to borrow money. I turned her down without even really considering her offer. That wasn’t fair of me. Now, I feel guilty even though it happened weeks ago.
Bella jumps up and pushes against the door of the kennel. “Well, I should take the dogs for a run. I’ll bring them back in a little bit so tired that they will fall asleep and not move until morning.”