Page 32 of Your Love (Merrimack Mavericks Hockey #3)
Chapter 32
“Everywhere”
Kerri - Age 24, 1994
I was climbing the walls in my hotel room after talking to everyone yesterday and spending the night reminiscing about my past with Landry. So many things have been working against us—time, outside circumstances, my fear—but I really thought in my heart we would end up together someday, even as I pushed him away.
It was a foolish mistake, and now he’s off on his honeymoon with someone new, someone who has never put him through the pain I did. I should be happy for him. I am happy for him because my love for him runs deep. But at the same time, my heart aches with the realization of how things have turned out.
Maybe Taz was right all along. Maybe I do need to take some time in this place, surrounded by nature and peacefulness, and try to find a new path for myself. I need to gather the shattered pieces of my heart and move forward, even if it feels impossible at the moment.
Last night, my mind was consumed by memories of the past. I found myself oscillating between deep belly laughs at the absurd moments we’ve shared and teary-eyed sobs for what could have been but will never be. The emotional rollercoaster left me drained, both mentally and physically. My tear-streaked face and puffy eyes were evidence of the floodgates that had opened and left me seriously dehydrated. My head throbs with each beat of my heart, and my tongue feels like straw.
As much as I long to stay holed up in this room all day, I know I need to venture out in search of water and fresh air.
Summoning all my remaining energy, I painstakingly tame my long, wild waves into a low ponytail. Slipping on a flowy sundress and a pair of sandals, I reluctantly make my way downstairs. Every step feels like a Herculean effort as I drag myself towards the hotel buffet.
All I want to do is retreat to the safety of my room, feeling like some lonely goblin. Still, the thought of the locals finding my lifeless body here in three days, dehydrated and shriveled up like an albino raisin, propels me forward.
I stand at the buffet table, my plate held delicately in one hand as I survey the spread before me. The eggs look rubbery and gross, but the potatoes tempt me with their crispy edges. I cautiously place a small scoop on my plate. The scent of sizzling bacon draws me in and I decide to add a few strips as well. My nose wrinkles at the sight of the ham, but then my eyes land on a bowl filled with fresh fruit, and that gets some stomach grumbling.
I eagerly fill my plate with an assortment of fruits, heaping plenty of fresh Hawaiian pineapple onto it before making my way to a secluded table in the corner. As I take my seat, I can’t help but notice that I’m surrounded by happy vacationing families talking animatedly about the excitement of their day and couples doing cute couple things. It makes me want to take my breakfast up to my room and hide again.
My gaze falls upon my plate, and suddenly, a wave of nausea washes over me. But I refuse to let it get the best of me as I bring a piece of juicy pineapple to my lips. The sweetness bursts on my tongue, a welcome distraction from the emptiness in my stomach that has persisted for two long days. A small smile tugs at the corner of my mouth for the first time in two days.
With a heavy sigh, I push my plate of pineapple away. As much as I love it, I can’t eat another bite. Leaning over my plate, I rest one hand on my head and aimlessly stab at the remaining pieces with my fork.
As if sensing my distress, someone walks by and sets a glass on the table in front of me. I assume it’s a waiter, so I give a casual glance before realizing it’s a familiar pinkish concoction.
I feel someone slide into the seat across from me. With a start, I look up and meet the intense gaze of amber eyes. The breath is stolen from my lungs as Landry gazes at me intensely.
“You love cranberry juice mixed with orange juice,” he says, smiling at me from across the table. My mind races with questions. What is he doing here? Where is Lauren? But somehow, I manage to squeak out a response. “I’m a little bit off my game right now,” I say with an unironic chuckle. Then, my brain begins to work again. “I’m sorry, Landry. I didn’t know you were still here. I’ll go before Lauren sees me again.”
As I stand to leave, Landry’s hand shoots out and wraps around my wrist. It is such a simple touch, but it makes me feel more alive than anything has in a long time.
“Sit,” he says firmly. “She’s not here.” His gaze is intense, locking onto mine and making it hard for me to look away. Slowly, I sat back down, feeling the nausea returning.
I slump back into my seat, my eyes heavy with weariness.
Landry leans back in his seat, muscles visibly tense as he crosses his arms over his chest. I can’t help but notice how much he’s changed since high school. He’s taller now and broader, with a strength that radiates from within. But it’s not just his physical appearance that has transformed; there’s a newfound maturity in his face. The boyish charm has given way to a more rugged handsomeness and depth of wisdom in his eyes that wasn’t there before.
“I thought you guys were going to the Big Island today.”
“That was the plan, but things kind of changed after Hurricane Kerri hit the beach.”
I drop my head into my hands. “God, Landry. I’ve hurt you so much. Somehow, I manage to keep doing it.”
“It definitely hasn’t been your typical teenage love story,” he says with a bitter edge to his tone.
My heart begins to race as I ask hesitantly, “Did I ruin things with Lauren?”
His gaze falls to the ground for a moment before meeting mine again. “No,” he says, shaking his head. A pang of guilt follows the relief that floods through me.
He continues, “You showing up confirmed some things that I had already been questioning.” His voice is heavy with regret. “Marrying Lauren would have been a mistake. I think deep down, I always knew that. But it just seemed like the thing to do at the time.”
I can feel my throat tightening as he speaks. “I’m sorry, Landry.”
He lets out a frustrated sigh. “It took me way too long to figure it out. You’re not the only one who’s made mistakes.”
“At least you had some semblance of a plan for your life. I’ve been wandering directionless for years, making choices without any real direction or purpose. And every time, it seems like someone else ends up getting hurt.”
What he says next takes me by surprise. “Are you happy?”
“Occasionally,” I admit. “But mostly, I feel isolated and alone.”
A glimmer of pain flickers across his face before he quickly masks it. “You should eat something. Your eyes are red and puffy from crying. You don’t want to become dehydrated like a shriveled albino raisin.”
My body shakes with laughter, a deep and genuine belly laugh that has been missing for far too long. It feels like the first rays of sunshine after a storm, warming me from within. Yet, at the same time, there is a sharp pang in my stomach, a reminder of the emptiness I have been feeling.
“That’s exactly what I thought!” I manage to choke out between laughs. “That’s why I came down here, so they wouldn’t find me in my room, curled up like some sort of little albino raisin!”
Landry joins in my laughter, his eyes sparkling with amusement. We both know that even after all this time, he still understands me better than anyone else. It was me who lost sight of who I was and what I wanted.
“Wait,” Landry pauses, still grinning. “How did you know I was supposed to be going to the Big Island?”
I take a small bite of juicy pineapple before answering. “I talked to Taz last night. He told me your plans and suggested that I should stay here and gather my thoughts for a few days.”
“Did he now?” he says with a shake of his head. “Now that’s interesting because I, too, spoke to our friend Michael Tazman last night, and he advised me that I should probably just stay here after Lauren left and take a few days to get my thoughts together.”
My eyes go wide, and my mouth drops open in disbelief. I lean forward, setting down my fork with a clatter. “Are you kidding me? That sly little matchmaker.”
A wry smile plays on his lips as he takes a sip of his drink. “Do you ever consider or wonder how much of our lives have been orchestrated by Taz behind the scenes?” he muses.
I shudder at the thought but can’t help but wonder. “I try not to think about it,” I admit, “but I’m sure it’s more than we realize.”
I speak gently. “This is your place to be right now,” I say, gesturing to the space around us. “I flew in like a comet and turned your world upside down. It’s only fair that I give you some space to sort things out on your own.”
“What about your future?” he asks.
“Oh, Lord. My future? I have no idea. I mean, I know I’m going to finish school and become a vet. That part of my life is figured out, but I don’t know what’s going to happen after that.”
“I was thinking about it last night, and there’s kind of a beauty in the unknown,” he says. “Things have sort of been planned out for me, and the thought of taking charge of my own life is starting to sound pretty good again,” he says.
“I can’t tell you how good it makes me feel that you’re looking towards the future with a sense of optimism. It makes it easier for me to know that I haven’t ruined your life again.”
“You never ruined my life, Wildflower. You just have a way of keeping me on my toes.”
The corners of my lips lift into a small smile at his words, and I feel a sense of warmth spread through my chest. “That nickname,” I say, trying to hide the trembling in my voice. “It always has a way of making me feel things. I didn’t think I’d ever hear it again.”
Landry nods knowingly and gestures toward my untouched juice. “Why don’t you finish your juice, and then we can take a walk on the beach,” he suggests.
A hesitant frown creases my brow as I look up at him. “Are you sure?” I ask, uncertainty coating his words.
“For the first time in a long time,” he says, “I think we should hang out with no distractions.”
It’s been so long since we’ve had a chance to really connect without any distractions pulling us away. This could be what we both need.