Page 79 of You Made a Fool of Death with Your Beauty
“No.” Feyi bit out the word, anger spread beneath it. “It’s not your business what I do with my body, or what Alim does with his. You have no ‘right’ to me, we weren’t together, we weren’t even exclusive. You’re not entitled to fuck me just because you were a decent human being and went along when I wasn’t ready to be intimate with you, or be mad because I ended up fucking someone else. You don’t get points for waiting for me. I didn’t use you, I didn’t lead you on. I went as far as I felt comfortable, and I stopped there.”
Nasir stared incredulously at her. “I’m not mad because you fucked someone else, Feyi, I’m mad because it was my dad! Because you did it in my home, as my guest! Because neither of you seems to understand how deeply fucked-up that is.”
“I know it is!” She’d been trying to keep her composure, but it cracked under the weight of the things he was saying, things that she said to herself over and over. “You think I don’t know how fucked-up it is, Nasir? He’s your fucking father. I’ve spent hours thinking about what kind of person does that, what kind of person I had to be to do that, what kind of person I am to still be doing it. And yeah, I’ve even hated myself a little, for doing this to you, for all this bullshit that’s happened because of it.”
“Then why, Feyi? Why fucking do it?!”
She looked at him and shook her head. “You don’t wanna hear it, Nasir. I know you don’t.”
He leaned forward again, his eyes black and intent. “Try me.”
Feyi bit her lip and smoothed her hands over her thighs. “Fine,” she said. “Fine.” She let out a deep breath and folded her hands together.
“Every day, I would hate myself a little, right? Like, I’d think all those things you said, every cruel and horrible thing, all the shit Lorraine said, and I wonder if they’re true. Sometimes I believe some of them are. And I beat myself up for it, for being that person. But then …” She looked out at the hill, thinking about the orchard on the other side, and her voice snagged. “But then I see Alim. And he’s smiling at me, and I don’t understand why I’d throw the world over a cliff for him, but it’s so clear, and every minute I’m with him, all those things drop off me like dead skin, and I don’t feel like the ho who got with her friend’s father or some groupie or the piece of shit who came to your house and repaid your hospitality like this.” Feyi shrugged, her eyes shining with sudden tears. “I feel like the world wanted to remind me that it loves me, and so it gave me him. It gave me a chance, that possibility he’s always talking about, and I seized it with both hands because I know, and Alim knows, how fucking rare it is for that door to open, even by a crack, and what it’s like when it closes.”
Nasir stared at her. “You’re talking about Jonah. And my mom.”
Feyi pressed her fingers to her eyes and willed them dry. “Yeah, them. But also me, and Alim, and how we—we collided. No one planned it. No one thought, Yeah, what a great idea, Nasir and Lorraine will totally go for this; this is going to be fun and great and a fucking wonderful time all around. But we’d crashed into each other and the door was open and we chose to take the chance.” She looked at him and gave a half smile. “You were amazing, Nasir. Before all this shit went down. You were sweet and kind, and I’m sorry I couldn’t feel about you the way I feel about Alim. It would’ve been a fuck-ton simpler if I could’ve chosen that, believe me.”
Nasir stood up abruptly and turned his back to her, looking out into the trees. “Fuck.” He put both hands on the railing and leaned on the wood. “You were right. I didn’t want to hear that.”
Feyi looked down at her hands. “Sorry.”
She wasn’t, not really. In fact, seeing this other side of Nasir had done nothing but justify her hesitation in jumping into anything more serious with him, but Feyi didn’t think he’d want to hear that, either.
“Nah, don’t be.” Nasir took a deep breath and tapped his sneaker against the floor. “Don’t be. I asked.” The rubber nose of the sneaker bounced rapid-fire against the dark wood. “It’s so fucking weird hearing you say his name, especially the way you say it.”
“The way I say it?”
“It’s just … the way it sits in your mouth.” He stopped bouncing his foot and stood up straight again. “I keep imagining you saying it when you’re … you know. With him. And it just … it does me in. It really fucking does, Feyi. Sometimes I can’t sleep, thinking about you with him. Wondering if you look at him the way you used to look at me, back when you still wanted me. Wondering how your mouth falls open when he touches you, how your eyes close, how your body—that fucking body of yours—moves for him. And then I have to stop, because it drives me fucking crazy thinking about this shit, about my dad with you. Comparing shit. Whether he kisses you better. Your head on his chest like when you used to sleep on mine. If you chose him because he’s more successful, more interesting.” Nasir hissed in a sharp breath. “I just—I have to stop.”
Feyi looked at his back, the gray T-shirt stretched across it. “I didn’t choose,” she said. “You’re you. You’re not a lesser version of him, Nasir. You’re you. I’m just—I’m not the person you need.”
He turned around and cracked a half smile. “Clearly.”
“I mean.” Feyi threw up her hands. “Go with a bitch who doesn’t hook up with your dad, first of all.”
Nasir rubbed his eyes and laughed. “Too fucking soon, man.”
“I’m just saying.” It was good to hear him laugh.
“Yeah.” He dropped his hand and looked at her, several things swirling in and out of his face. “I should get back to town,” he said.
Feyi nodded. “Thanks for coming over to talk.”
“Yeah. Sure.” He started heading out, then stopped. “You know,” he said, “you called me your friend.”
“Yeah,” she said. “Maybe we can get to that again, one day.”
“Here’s the thing, though, Feyi. Put aside how I felt about you, even just as friends? What you did was really fucked-up.”
“Yeah.” Feyi looked down. She could at least concede that point. “I was high-key a shitty friend to you. I’m sorry I didn’t wait to talk to you, and I’m sorry you didn’t find out from me. But most of all, I’m really sorry I hurt you.”
Nasir bent his head and put his hands in his pockets, his mouth tense. “Thanks. I’m sorry I hurt you back. It wasn’t cool.” They looked at each other, and to her surprise, Feyi found herself wishing she could hug him.
“You should probably tell him, by the way,” Nasir said, trying and failing to keep the bitterness out of his voice.
“What?”