Page 28

Annalise

I t never occurred to me that I would have to be pushed to the brink of insanity to feel unburdened by fear. The years of terror I felt looking into the eyes of the beast who took everything have all but been washed away. I have found a new piece of myself I didn’t think could exist. A resilient side that has been through hell and back and no longer fears what these creatures can do.

I can only strengthen myself to ensure that it never happens again. I can only depend on me.

I clench my teeth, absorbing the blow that Cyrus lands against my blade. I note that small sparks flash against the steel as his nails come into contact with the metal. My body is on fire as I feed the strength of his seal through my veins, allowing it to strengthen me as it did during my days with Elias. Except now, my body has become somewhat accustomed to it, as my mind finally understands what it is.

I flinch as pain ripples over me, dropping to one knee.

“Anna!” Cyrus is next to me in an instant, his hands emitting warmth as he tries to find the source of damage, but I push him away, my irritation flaring at my weakened state. Elias’s torture and his beast’s lack of knowledge in the art of healing have made me a mess. I can only go so for so long, fighting with the use of the seal, my body deteriorating under the power that rushes through me.

But with each day, I am determined to go even longer, praying that building my stamina will make things easier.

“You need to stop pushing yourself, Annalise,” Cyrus murmurs next to me.

I release a huff of irritation, moving to stand, and he rises with me. His eyes shift as he learns to control his temper. Instead of lashing out and punishing me as he would for being disrespectful, he only grips the blade, pulling it out of my hand, his eyes warning me.

“That’s enough,” he growls.

We both glare at each other, with no idea of what is going through the other’s mind. And while we have inaudibly agreed to come together for the sake of revenge, we have yet to speak on anything else, leaving us in a state of limbo. I may be unburdened by fear, I still know not to push this beast once he’s made up his mind.

I release a bitter chuckle, turning away from him to leave when he roughly grips my arm, pulling me close. My heart flutters slightly in my chest as the familiar chill of fear creeps over me, but not as strong as it once was. Not when I’ve endured worse.

“I agreed to train you so that you can protect yourself if the time ever comes, but you will not face Elias if I have anything to say about it. Stop pushing yourself as if you will.” His eyes search mine for some semblance of obedience, but I pull my arm from his grip, holding his gaze.

In our time apart, we have both changed. Cyrus’s change has made it difficult for him to remain as he was, his guilt forcing him to see me in a different light. He no longer sees me as a human who is beneath him, someone whom he cannot trust. But I do not know how he sees me exactly, his words when I didn’t have my memory puzzling me. Love is something I’ve always known Cyrus isn’t capable of. I won’t fool myself into thinking he can change, not like I did last time before he sent me away.

“You owe me this,” I hiss.

I reach for the blade, but Cyrus is much faster than me, moving it away so that I can’t grab it. Tears of frustration burn my eyes, and I turn away from him, pulling my hands over my head as I try and catch my breath.

“Anna, just breathe for a moment and be rational.”

I release a bitter chuckle, turning to face Cyrus.

“That’s easy for you to say. You’re only seeing the aftermath. You didn’t live it. You don’t know what you’re denying me,” I growl out.

“I am keeping you safe. I can’t let what almost happened at Felix’s home happen again. Not even close,” he snaps back.

I narrow my gaze, looking around the courtyard. It’s empty as most of the palace seems to be these days. But I know it’s because Cyrus has told the servants to remain scarce now that I’ve returned, once again showing a side of himself that I don’t want to trust.

“But you owe me this, Cyrus,” I whisper.

Cyrus’s expression shifts slightly as pity crosses his features. This time, he doesn’t bother covering it up. He releases a deep breath, dropping the sword as he stands over me. My eyes remain on his chest and after a moment, he places his finger under my chin to lift my eyes to meet his.

“I owe you more than this. You said it yourself, I will never be able to wash my hands of this. Nothing I do ever can. So don’t expect me to try by risking your life. I can’t… I won’t go through that again,” he says.

I look away, tears burning my eyes, but I blink them away, refusing to let them fall in his presence. Cyrus’s chuckle pulls me from my irritation as his arms wrap around my waist.

“Elias will pay for what he’s done with his life,” he says.

“Death would be too easy for him,” I say softly.

Cyrus is silent for a moment. “You are right. But I won’t risk him escaping to finish what he started for the sake of that. You and Ciel’s lives are too precious.”

I gently push away from Cyrus, and to my shock, he lets me. I lift my gaze to look into his eyes, the discomfort in my stomach growing as I come to terms with the lack of humanity there. I’m surrounded by creatures who lay their claim all because they can.

“Death is too easy, Your Majesty.”

Cyrus visibly flinches, bothered by my decision not to use his name, as I make my way out of the courtyard.

Cyrus’s kingdom is massive. It stretches from the coast deep into the mountains in every direction. It is much vaster than Elias’s. I see why Elias coveted more than just me—and why it was so easy to convince him to want more. Elias’s kingdom makes up maybe one of the bigger provinces in Cyrus’s. Elias’s is completely surrounded by the ocean on all sides, making expanding very limited.

And still, Cyrus single-handedly wiped it from existence. My flesh crawls just thinking about it. I think back to the texts I found in Cyrus’s estate when he was preparing me to be his queen. It spoke of entire lands being destroyed during the beast wars. But it wasn’t from the battle. It was from the natural wave of death beasts emit in their true forms. Cyrus showed me quickly after what that looked like. It was the first time I had seen what being a beast meant. It wasn’t just strength and speed. It was a creature who emulates being a human, but is anything but.

I silently hold my hand out in front of me, studying it.

It’s no wonder people like me were bred into existence. And now Elias has an army full of them, ready to fulfill their purpose. Even in death, my blood father’s legacy has stained this world.

I ignore the light knock followed by the door opening as I shift my attention back to the large map stretched out across the wall of Cyrus’s study. I never truly looked at it before. I never had a reason to. I was never allowed around the palace without Cyrus accompanying me, but that rule, along with several others, has vanished.

“Your Majesty?” I turn away from the map at the sound of Joan’s voice. She’s watching me with a concerned expression as she enters the study, closing the door behind her.

I never had any friends growing up. Dimitri was enough for me at that time, and I never really ventured out to make any deep connections. But I see Joan in a light that I didn’t before. I feel such a heavy guilt when I look at her, knowing what I said to her the day Elias attacked. Although I spoke so cruelly to her, she put her life on the line for me. She was the only person to tell me the truth when I returned despite Felix’s command, and for that, she will always have my trust.

“Where’s Ciel?” I ask as she approaches.

“He’s still asleep. His training is exhaustive. And the strain of yours and the king’s absence has made things—”

“I understand,” I say quickly, cutting her off.

Ciel has suffered the most in all of this. He’s an innocent, bombarded by emotions he cannot understand, rejected by his mother for reasons he could not fathom, the stress causing him to emit changes far earlier than he should. I wish I could take all of his pain away. But the selfish part of me knows it isn’t just for Ciel. I want Elias’s suffering to sate my pain as well. Because right now, it feels like nothing will.

“I want him dead… but I know death will be too easy,” I say softly.

“The king?” Joan asks, earning a chuckle from me.

“Elias,” I say.

I’ve come to terms with my life by Cyrus’s side. I have his seal and his heir. Cyrus has proven that there is no future without me in it. It is no longer in my best interest or Ciel’s to fight this path that has been chosen for me. The consequences of that fight have reared their head violently, pulling the attention of a beast as sadistic as Cyrus, resulting in my unborn child suffering for it.

“He will pay for what he has done. The king will ensure—”

“I don’t want the king to ensure it. I want to. I want to watch him scream in agony as I stand above him with a smile on my face,” I say, recalling those moments. “Death is too merciful. And Cyrus won’t let him live after what he’s done.”

After a moment of silence, Joan speaks up.

“You are right. Death would be too merciful for a beast like him. He deserves pain. And it still wouldn’t be enough,” she says next to me.

“Cyrus wants me nowhere near the fight. He may think he loves me, but I know he only sees me as a possession. He doesn’t want what happened to repeat itself,” I say bitterly.

Joan shakes her head. “You are wrong. He is the same as he always was—fiercely protective of you. Think of what he’s done already to avenge the loss of your child,” Joan says.

Joan sees glory in the senseless death of others, but I do not. I know in her eyes, Cyrus can do no wrong. He is her king, and while she is loyal to me, in her eyes, I belong with the king because he set his sights on me.

I offer her a soft smile.

“I know,” I say softly.

Joan frowns at my response, wracking her mind to find the right thing to say.

“It is alright, Joan. I am not the scared woman you were assigned to protect. I know my path, and I will no longer fight it. Don’t think it’s your responsibility that the king and I get along,” I say gently.

“But Anna… you look so burdened by that fact,” she says, her eyes searching my face.

“Both of you have changed while you were apart, but you still see each other as those people who were stumbling around in the dark to understand one another. Can you really tell me you have not seen a change to prove that you are no longer a possession?” she asks.

I’m silent for a moment as I try to think of what she’s saying to me. Of course, Cyrus has shown a side to himself that makes me weary as I did not understand it. Even in our days at the hunting lodge, while some of his old tendencies were present, he spoke to me in a way he would never have before, asking about the life he took from me, curious about who I was before him.

Before I can respond, Joan pulls my hands in hers. Her palms are abnormally warm, reminding me of what she is.

“Forgive me if I am overstepping. I’ve admired the king my entire life. I was honored when I was chosen to protect you. He revered you as his prize, placing your safety above all else even though he was angry about you running away. And from the moment I was assigned that position, I knew the king cared for you in a way he never has for anyone else. I know you may not realize it, but he needs you. He needs you , Annalise. Not the other way around.“ My eyes widen as Joan continues to speak, my heart beating faster. “He is not like the rest of us. He does not live his life like the rest of us…” Joan trails off, looking at the door before speaking to me.

“We are forbidden to speak of the queen before you because, like the king and like your son, they are not like us. So believe me when I say he needs you, Annalise. And you no longer have to prove that to him.”

I open my mouth to respond, but I don’t know how. Joan smiles, releasing me.

“The king has requested your presence if you are willing.”

Cyrus’s palace has always been fascinating to me. It’s pristine and magnificent, surrounded by waterfalls in the distance. When I was a slave, I never saw more than the secret passages and Cyrus’s chambers. And when I was to become queen, Cyrus confined me to his wing for my protection. So, I never knew something like this existed.

It’s another courtyard, and as I step out of the archway, I notice what looks like a river passing through the brick sidewalk. Flowers and plants line the area as well, leading up to a gazebo. The lights on the sidewalk are dimly lit, and candles are floating in the still pools as I make my way to where Cyrus is sitting.

His back is to me as he sits along the edge, looking up at the full moon. This was the night Elias was going to attack, though I am sure his plans have changed by now. Cyrus senses my approach, turning to face me. His expression is guarded as he takes me in, his eyes lingering on my face as I approach.

I recall my training perfectly, bowing. “Your Majesty,” I murmur.

Cyrus smiles gently, reaching for my hand.

“I almost miss the clumsy Anna,” he says as he pulls me along the stream.

We stroll in silence, but I don’t ask why he called me here. We didn’t part on the best terms, and neither of us knows how to approach the strained tension between us. After hearing Joan’s words in the study, I feel even less in control than before, as Cyrus’s lust and desire have morphed into obsession and need.

“My mother loved this courtyard. It was a gift from my father to celebrate the arrival of another child. It was sealed off after her death, and after years of neglect, I never thought about it again. Until Joan told me you were pregnant.”

“I see how much you love and care for Ciel. And after you returned with your memory gone, rejecting his existence, I see how lucky I was that you felt the way you did about him. And I know you would have loved the one we lost all the same,” he says.

My eyes widen as we approach a paper boat in the shape of a lotus. It’s sitting on the edge near the water.

Cyrus keeps his hand around my waist as we kneel, the small boat between us with a candle lit in the center. I shift my attention to Cyrus, and he’s looking at the boat with a sad expression.

He pulls a piece of paper and a pen from the center, his eyes shifting to mine.

“If it were a boy, what would you have called him?” he asks.

My breathing hitches as the raw pain that I’ve had stuffed down comes barreling to the front. Tears spill down my cheeks, and I have to clear my throat to force my voice to come out.

“Cyrus, I can’t–”

“What would you have called him?” he asks.

“Milo,” I whisper.

Cyrus smiles, lowering his head as he writes the name on the paper. I finally find the strength to speak.

“And you? If it were a girl?” I ask.

Cyrus’s smile drops slightly as he looks at me.

“Marieva,” he says almost instantly.

I nod, unable to say anything else as he writes both names down and places them in the small boat.

“I won’t claim to share your pain, Anna. I don’t know what it’s like to grow life and have it taken. The night my mother died, I saw the most powerful beast I’d ever known do something I didn’t think possible. She begged. She begged them to spare the life inside of her. I will never forget the pain in her eyes as she looked at me from my hiding place, trying to find some semblance of comfort in her final moments. But the agony before that, knowing what she had lost, will haunt me forever.”

I tense when Cyrus grips my hand, his eyes meeting mine.

“Loss makes people irrational. It made me irrational at a moment I should not have been, when the self-proclaimed king of the hunters produced my father’s head on a spike, almost costing me my life. I know that Elias deserves worse than death. I swear to you I know that, Annalise. But I won’t risk your life no matter how many times you ask. You can hate me all you want; I can handle that as long as you are alive. It took me losing you in every aspect of the word to realize how much I need you,” he says.

My heart pounds loudly in my ears as I try to hold onto what he’s saying, but I am feeling every form of emotion, from agony to shock. Cyrus gently lifts the small boat, placing it in the water, and holds the candle to me.

“Come now. It’s time to say goodbye. And know that our child will live on through us. But you must be alive for that to be possible, Anna,” he says.

I blink back my tears, taking the candle from Cyrus. My fingers are trembling as I light the paper with names on it, watching it catch easily as Cyrus releases it to the current.

“This river leads out of the palace and into the waterfalls,” he explains as the boat follows the current. But I shift my attention to Cyrus. His eyes are focused on the boat, his breath unsteady as he stands, holding back his pain.

I gently place my hand in his for comfort, and he looks at me with a surprised expression before turning back to watch the paper boat float along the current. There’s nothing more to say between us as we both mourn our loss in our own ways, using each other as a source of comfort while we still can.