Page 22

Cyrus

“ I don’t want you.”

Those words torment me. I never thought, from the day I first saw Annalise across the river, that her words would ever matter to me. While I acknowledged the growing desire for her, I never acknowledged the foreign feelings within me that grew as time passed. As I watched her obsess over the child I gave her and brave every instinct that was obvious on her face to earn my trust again, I never once acknowledged the rapidly growing emotions for her. I see now that is why I was so extreme when she did what I felt was a betrayal. I felt a deep sense of not having as much control over her feelings as I thought I did. She was successfully manipulating me into feeling something more than lust for her.

But as I watch her from the balcony, sitting in the courtyard to play with the child she doesn’t even know, I understand myself now more than ever. I shift my attention to Ciel. He was the only thing connecting us, and that is now no longer the case, tearing a bigger rift between us than I ever thought possible. I have no control over her, no connection. We are once again strangers, except this time, I don’t even have fear to keep her close, as she is the mother of my child, and I can’t bring myself to see her in the way I once did.

“I don’t want any part of it.”

I release a bitter chuckle as visceral anger rips through me from those words. She’s right about one thing. My Anna is gone for the moment. My Anna would never ask to be let go. She would never say something so neglectful. She would never leave her son. Even now as I watch her interact with him, there’s a sense of unease and discomfort. I’ve never seen Anna be uncomfortable with Ciel. Even when she looked into the features that represented everything she resented, I only ever saw adoration. It was baffling to me at the time. And it made me recognize her as more than an obsession. Her desire to learn and be what Ciel needed is what drove my desire to make her my queen.

And now all of that is ruined.

A loud crack pulls my attention and I quickly look down at my hands. The banister I was leaning against is now a crumble of dust in my palm. I release an irritated breath, brushing my hands against my leg as I move away from the banister.

It’s been difficult controlling what is left of my sane mind. Having Anna with me, and not being able to touch her in the way that I want is driving me to madness. She doesn’t know just how close I was to ripping her dress off and claiming her right there when she revealed what transpired between her and Elias. How she willingly placed herself in his favor.

I stumble, leaning against the wall as my vision blurs slightly. I can feel the familiar rush of my inner beast clawing to the surface, wanting every desire I keep at bay to remain civil. Anna is provoking me in the worst ways and she has no idea just how close I am to crossing the line with her once again—even in her current state.

I push open the door to my study, making my way to the detailed notes I have on her physical condition. I silently lower myself into my seat, lowering my head briefly when I take in the diagram of damage.

After Annalise’s outburst, it makes sense why her body is in a state of rejection. Elias dropping her from a window did much more damage than anything he did after. It didn’t break bones, which can be an easy fix, it shattered them, leaving no room for repair. And his healers, being the beasts who reject that side of themselves, had no idea how to fix that properly. Each time they healed her, they made her a vulnerable target. Her body wasn’t in a state to take on the use of my seal, let alone fight. Right now, she needs as much rest as possible and strengthening remedies.

I know she wants the truth about certain things, but her mind is what I’m most focused on at this moment. When I did my assessment of her body, I found the source of her memory loss. Her skull was among the body parts fragmented, and while it was poorly repaired, the swelling of her brain has yet to go down as they healed her skull over it. As a beast, I have no idea how to heal her mind. But I won’t stop looking into it until I can find the proper solution. Her mind is trying to fix itself every day, and while her skull has been poorly repaired, it still has enough damage that it is trying to heal on its own, meaning I have a fixed amount of time before the memory loss is permanent. And if that happens, I don’t know what I’ll do.

I don’t know what future awaits Annalise and me. Especially since Elias has concealed himself masterfully among my lands. His attack on Felix’s estate succeeded in its base purpose. But my return is something he wasn’t counting on so soon. He has nowhere to run since I wiped out his lands. I’ve backed a senseless beast into a corner, making him more erratic in the coming days. When we meet again, it will be a battle to the death—a battle for my kingdom and everything in it.

And when that day comes, I want Anna to be as far away from the fight as possible. I have to repair what never truly existed between us and have no time to do it. At this rate, I may lose Anna regardless of the outcome of this war. And each time the thought crosses my sane mind, my inner beast bangs against my skull, threatening to take her anyway.

I chuckle to myself, leaning back in my seat to stare at the mural painted on the ceiling.

I myself have been backed into a corner, and I don’t have the restraint that I once did to ensure that no one gets bit.

Annalise

When I think of the word family, I see my father and Dimitri. I see my village filled with my friends and family. I see the bakery my father owned, and the smiling faces of everyone who depended on him as the pillar of our community. But the two beasts who share similar features are not a part of that vision.

My heart aches for Ciel. I wish I could be the mother he deserves more than anything, but now that I understand more about him, where he came from, and his father, I find myself hesitant to touch him.

His father avoids me these days. It’s as if everything I said when I awoke resonated with him. I’m glad, I realize, that he’s given me some form of space. My visions didn’t do his terror justice. Just being in his company is suffocating. He’s a beast with much less humanity than Elias, I can sense that instinctually. He doesn’t resonate as human when I am near him.

“Your Majesty.” I tense when I feel a hand on my shoulder, whipping around to see Joan watching me in concern.

“I was calling you more than once,” she says apologetically.

I release a soft scoff, turning back to look at Ciel as she moves to stand next to me.

“I’m sure you were. I’m not used to being referred to as Your Majesty,” I say truthfully.

“The servants have come to take the prince to training,” she says gently.

I nod, and it takes a moment for the servants to realize I am not going to get him. So they move around me to take him away themselves. I feel bad that I didn’t pick him up myself to give him away, but part of me feels relieved that someone else has taken him. I wait until Ciel and the servants are long gone before speaking to Joan again.

“Elias told me that when he took my baby from me… I sank to the floor in agony, pulling the puddles of blood into me as I screamed for my unborn child’s life,” I say. Joan’s expression shifts until she is watching me in pity, but I continue.

“But the king told me neither of my children were willingly conceived,” I say softly. I release a soft laugh, blinking back my tears of frustration.

“Can you imagine? Crying over something like that? Fawning over a child who attends beast training to do as his father did to my village someday?” I say.

“Anna…don’t say that…” Joan says sitting next to me. She gently places her arm around me, pulling me in for a hug.

“The life I dreamed of having with Dimitri is gone. And I’ve fulfilled it with the one who took that dream from me,” I say.

“You must stop. One day your memories shall return, and you would be appalled to look back and know you said something like this—”

I quickly push Joan away from me, standing.

“I do not want my memories to return. I do not want to be okay with any of this! I want to leave. I want to leave all of this behind. This is a nightmare for me,“ I say voicing my inner thoughts.

From the moment I awoke, it feels like all I’ve been doing is slowly spiraling. And now, with the threat of Elias gone and my life laid bare, I feel an overwhelming desire to get away from all of this. Now that Ciel’s father has returned, the responsibility I felt has all but lifted.

Joan slowly rises, studying me intensely.

“You did, though. You left to live your life and had every opportunity to get rid of Ciel before he was born. You had the choice to live the way you desire at this moment, and you gave all of that up. You chose this. You chose Ciel. You chose to become what he needed. I know everything is confusing and frustrating, but if you want things to get better for your mind, you should want your memories back. Only you know why you ever chose to let a beast into your life when you had your freedom,“ she says.

Silence passes between us as we study one another. She watches me knowingly, wanting more than anything to see the woman I used to be—the woman she admires. I release an irritated breath, shaking my head.

“I don’t want it, Joan,” I say softly.

I quickly turn away from her making my way out of the courtyard.