Page 21

Annalise

C yrus’s warmth is stifling. His presence alone is foreign to me, but he doesn’t care that I am not receptive to his touch as his arms tighten around me. He pulls in a deep breath, his body relaxing against mine as he enjoys my being alive. But I don’t know how to react. My mind is torn between the memories that I have of him. And in none of them was he kind or gentle. This version of him is foreign to me.

After a moment, he finally releases me, pulling me from my thoughts as his dark eyes roam over my face. He gently places his palm against my cheek, his thumb running comfortingly over my skin as he studies me.

This isn’t the same beast from my memories.

I pull my face from his touch, unable to hold his gaze any longer, and he lets me. He doesn’t reprimand or yell at me. He continues to watch silently—patiently as I react to him. Silence stretches between us as we are at a loss for words. But I finally decide to break the silence as I attempt to piece together the life I led before Elias intervened.

“You killed my father,” I say softly. “And everyone in my village.”

I finally lift my eyes to meet his, and he doesn’t give a reaction I can read. His eyes, however, are intense. He’s holding on to every word that leaves my lips. When he doesn’t respond, I continue to speak.

“But we share a child together… two before…” I trail off as the pain of what finishing that sentence means out loud. I’m sure the pain will be much worse if my memories ever return. I always wanted children with Dimitri, and though I don’t remember carrying either of them, the pain of having one taken away is there. It feels heavier since I had no connection to it. But Elias’s vivid retelling of what transpired haunts me, giving me insight into just how pained I was at the time of the loss.

I didn’t care about their parentage. I loved my children.

I suck in a shaky breath. With everything I’ve said, he has yet to react. I don’t know if my words mean anything to him or not. But I can see in how he looks at me that I mean more to him than he means to me. Maybe than he ever meant.

I lower my gaze once again, unable to look into his eyes as I let the painful memories wash over me.

“You…tortured me. Beat me…despised everything I am…yet we share a child together,” I whisper. I release a bitter chuckle, fiddling with my fingers to bring myself comfort.

“Were either of them willing?” I ask softly.

Cyrus releases a deep breath, his hand closing over my twiddling fingers. The warmth from his skin does little to comfort me, I realize. All I can think about is how different it is from Dimitri. And even still, my mind is racing to know if Dimitri is okay. But I am smart enough to comprehend that this beast is possessive. And to ask about Dimitri when this is the first time he’s seen me since Elias took me away would be a very foolish move.

“Our past isn’t something you should question in your current state,” he says gently. I instinctively know this gentle tone is out of character for him.

I pull my hands from his grasp, looking at him.

“I don’t know you. My earliest memory of you is the destruction of my home. And my last memory is of you beating me for a mistake as a slave within these walls. Yet everyone claims that the child you put in me is the light of my life and that you were desperate to get me back even though all of this is because you exiled me for protecting a human,” I say, shaking my head.

I find it easy to voice my thoughts to this beast. My emotions toward him are raw and filled with hate. It was his eyes that haunted my dreams—his voice that made me tremble when I fell asleep at night. It was his memories that made me brave in front of Elias because I feared this beast more than the one who beat me and dragged me across the ocean.

This beast is the true threat. Because in this beast’s eyes, he owns me. He doesn’t see me as Elias did—as something to be conquered. No, this beast already did that. He conquered me wholly to where I loved his child more than myself. According to Joan, I ‘braved every obstacle’ for the boy who is half me and half this creature in front of me. I am as baffled as Elias was at my actions. Why would I ever return? How did I come to love a child who was forced on me? But as this beast watches me, taking me in, I understand why. It’s the same look he had the night he gave me this mark on my ribs.

He owns me.

And not just physically but mentally. He knows me more than I know myself. He knows how to elicit responses, and he knows what I truly feel past my words. I see it in the way his eyes shift over my face, sometimes lingering on my chest as he listens to my heartbeat.

“Questioning our past is the only way to understand why I would ever endure all that I did to return to you,” I say angrily.

Cyrus’s expression shifts. It’s subtle. The slight twitch of his brow and clenching of his jaw as he looks upon my face, realizing I am not the woman he sent away. I am not even a shadow of her. I am what remains of the anger she was never able to display. I am the resentment she had to hide.

And he’s noticed it.

Cyrus shakes his head. “No.”

My eyes widen.

“No, what?” I ask.

“No, they weren’t willing.”

My chest grows tight at the revelation. I’m sure I’ve already experienced these emotions in the past, but it feels like a betrayal to Dimitri. It feels like my entire future has been ripped away from me—from both of us, as I recall Dimitri’s speech right before Elias showed up. Dimitri has silently watched me fulfill our dreams with another.

And as the realization grows even heavier, I choke on my tears.

“Why does everyone think I love him so much?” I whisper.

“Because you do. You ran away and raised him on your own. And when I found you, you fought me for him in every way you knew how. You pushed your fears aside for him.” I flinch as Cyrus reaches for my forehead, his thumb running over the scar that sits at my hairline. “You fought me for him.”

I grip Cyrus’s arm and shove his hand away from my face. I want to scream at him. I want to tell him that I feel nothing for that child now—nothing but the same resentment I hold for him—but I can’t. That is not what leaves my lips.

“He’s unharmed? Truly?” I ask.

Cyrus smiles, looking away for a moment.

“Yes. He’s perfectly okay,” he says.

I heave a heavy breath, my chest fluttering painfully. I didn’t realize how desperately I needed to hear it from Cyrus’s lips that my son was okay until this very moment. Everyone around me has been lying to me for the sake of waiting for the king to return and tell me himself. I didn’t fully believe the servant, as she is loyal to him. So hearing the words leave his lips, has left me a trembling mess as the last thing I remember is Maksim’s threat to him as he drained the life from me.

“Even in this lost state, you still love him, Anna,” Cyrus says.

I tense from his use of my name. He says it so easily as if he’s used to using it.

“And Elias…?”

Cyrus is silent for a moment. “You don’t have to worry about Elias anymore. You’re safe now.”

I heave a sigh of relief, my tears falling faster. I narrowly escaped death from Elias so many times.

“And Dimitri?” I ask before I can think it through.

Cyrus is silent, and as I look into his eyes, my fears rise as I see the shape of his pupil shifting.

“I know how things are now. I only ask because he risked his life so that I could get away with Ciel,” I say quickly.

Cyrus lowers his head, shaking it as he laughs softly.

“Yes. The half-breed is alive,” he says.

My eyes widen in confusion and Cyrus realizes his mistake too late.

“Shit,” he murmurs.

It all makes sense now. Dimitri’s strength against Elias. His comfort among the beasts. The way he was able to hear Joan speaking to me even though he was several feet away. Dimitri isn’t human. And though I saw the signs, I ignored them because of the way I’m feeling now–the difficulty adjusting to this devastating news.

“This is why I warned you against questioning the past right now. There’s too much you don’t know that will rock the foundation of your life. In the meantime, I will personally see to it that you regain your memories before it’s too late,” he says.

I watch him in confusion.

“Too late?” I ask.

Cyrus once again grows irritated with himself as he’s revealed something he wanted to keep to himself.

“I will explain everything to you when the time is right,” he says.

And as much as I want to question him further, my mind shifts to Dimitri’s warning.

“ You’re lucky not to remember what has happened since the destruction of our village. Don’t go looking. It will be much more painful for you than what you are going through now.”

“When the time is right?” I repeat, looking at Cyrus.

“It isn’t wise to overload you with information in your fragile condition—”

“I fucked him,” I say.

“I let him… touch me. And I tried to earn his favor by making sure he was always pleased with me. Because when he wasn’t, he threw me from a balcony, splitting open my skull. He broke whatever bones he could if I asked too many questions. He always hinted at how much you would hate me if you could see me. If you could see him fucking me over the table that he…he placed the same damn cup of tea he used to steal life from inside of me to test if I was lying,” I say standing.

My legs are extremely weak, and I sway slightly, leaning against the bedframe for support, but I continue to hold Cyrus’s gaze, watching as he tries to control the same creature that lurks beneath.

“He cut me open, he trained me to kill your people, and he taught me to use the seal you gave me… against you. My fragile state isn’t because of the information I know. It’s because of what I don’t know. It’s because as I watch you grappling for control, I see the creature he fears. I see the beast who plagued my nightmares while in his bed. I feel the fear of what you’ll do to me after everything I did and how I’ve returned to you… empty and tainted. And all because you sent me away—away from my own child and straight into Elias’s confinement,“ I say.

Cyrus is silent. He can’t speak. I know he can’t. Somehow, I know everything I just said was enough to set him off.

“If my past is anything like my present, I don’t want it. I don’t want you . I don’t want to be a part of it. You need to let me go. The woman you want died the day Elias threw me from that balcony,“ I say shakily as I continue to test the lengths this beast can handle before me.

I release a gasp as Cyrus stands over me. His eyes bore into mine, the serpent-like shape of his pupil forcing my heart to batter against my chest as he slips his hand around my waist, pulling me flush against him. His warmth envelops me as he holds me up firmly, the oncoming aches in my body disappearing as he searches my gaze.

He laughs lightly, shaking his head as he pushes my hair out of my face. I know my eyes are wide with fear as he stares down at me, our breathing a mix of my shallow pants and his deep calm breaths.

“Oh, Anna… false bravery doesn’t suit you. It never has.”