Page 31 of Up In Flames

Will

WILL

C hecking my phone seven hundred times didn’t make a text magically appear.

I wished I’d been smart enough to get Hal’s number so I could have texted him to see how Oren really was.

When he left the office, he was pale, and he looked like a strong wind would have knocked him over.

I would have liked a few minutes alone with him, but it hadn’t been possible.

I texted him a few times throughout the day, but none of them had been read.

Was he mad at me? It was a stupid thought, but it wouldn’t let go once it took hold.

Maybe Oren wanted to be with someone who wasn’t too afraid to hug his boyfriend in public.

Especially after said boyfriend had been through something traumatic.

Pulling him out of that elevator shaft reminded me of pulling him out of that car.

It must have been worse for him, but I still hadn’t been able to unfreeze myself.

Torn between giving him comfort and maybe being discovered, I’d chosen wrong.

The closet used to be a source of comfort and safety for me.

It was a barrier between the real me and the me I let everyone think I was.

What once was comforting was now abrasive.

As my world got larger, my closet got smaller, and it was hard to make everything fit in my life while I was in there. I hated it.

Hated that I’d let him down. Hated that I was a chicken shit. If I told people and I lost them, well at least I’d be losing people who didn’t matter as much to me as Oren.

“Are you waiting for lottery results? You’ve been glued to your phone all day.

” Briggs flopped down on the chair next to mine.

Our shift was winding down, and it had stayed fairly quiet after we’d dealt with Oren’s emergency.

I almost wished it had been a busy shift.

It would’ve gone by faster. I’d spent hours practicing knots and organizing my equipment before crashing for a few hours.

It was one of the longest shifts I’d ever worked.

“I’m worried about Oren.” The honesty loosened a knot in my chest. Normally I’d have pretended that I was fine. That there was nothing to see here. Or I’d have made up a different lie. A sick parent or something. “He looked like shit yesterday and I haven’t been able to get ahold of him.”

More honesty loosened more knots in my stomach. I’d been a little truthful, and nothing bad happened. Maybe I could risk a whole lot more.

“I’m sure he’s fine.” Briggs’s response was usual for him. He was very unflappable, like a boulder in a windstorm. It took more than a little disturbance to break his calm.

I put my phone away but took it out again when it buzzed. It wasn’t from Oren. It was just an app notification.

I’d be okay when I heard from Oren. I’d be okay when I stopped shutting everyone out. When I just came out and let the chips fall and if people hated me, they’d hate me but at least I’d have Oren.

“Not really. No.” I tucked my phone away then leaned forward, resting my elbows on my knees. Briggs copied my body language, and when I didn’t say anything, he bumped his shoulder against mine.

“Spill.”

Truth be told, I was tired of not telling people about me. It wasn’t like I wanted everything to change, but I wanted Oren more than I wanted the status quo.

“I’m gay.”

Briggs let out a low whistle. “Well, that’s new.”

“Not really, no.” I let out a sharp, bitter laugh and I held my breath waiting for the shoe to drop.

“Well, shit, buddy. I’m glad you told me. You can tell me anything, and I’ll always have your back. You know that, right?” Briggs slung his arm around me, and when he gave me a friendly squeeze, it felt like he was holding me together, like he knew I was on the verge of falling apart.

“Oren… he’s more than my friend.” I glanced over at Briggs and found him smiling at me.

“Leave it to you to meet your boyfriend at a car wreck. Some guys have all the luck.” His gentle teasing settled my nerves.

If he was still touching me, teasing me, happy for me, then maybe his happiness and acceptance was genuine.

Maybe I’d spent all these years tangled up, hiding myself for no good reason.

Briggs sat quietly with me for a few minutes as I took some deep breaths and regained my shaky composure.

“Are you telling everyone or just me? The guys will all have your back. You know that too, right?”

I didn’t know that, though. That was the problem.

I’d seen and heard too many people get hated on when they came out.

Kids I went to high school with had been shunned by the church.

Kicked out by their family. Or not kicked out but not accepted.

Whispered about like being anything different was bad and gossip-worthy.

I was afraid, but I wasn’t even brave enough to admit that.

“Will they?” I asked, hope dangerously close to the surface. Briggs knew the truth, and he hadn’t done anything but accept me. “The idea of coming out to everyone is exhausting. I want them to know, but telling you was a lot for me. And I still have to tell my parents.”

Briggs tightened his grip on me. “I can’t help with the parents; you’re on your own there. But I can tell all the assholes around here if you want. They’ll be cool with it. And if they’re not, you know I’ll kick their sorry asses, but it won’t come to that. Trust me?”

Briggs had followed me into burning buildings. He’d had my back in far more dire situations before, and he would again. I did trust him.

“What did you have in mind?”

“Well, I could just go tell them. Rip the Band-Aid off. Things are seldom as bad as we convince ourselves they are. But if the idea of coming out to all of them one at a time or to everyone in a group is too daunting, I’ve been told I have a big mouth.

It would be nice to put it to good use once in a while. ”

“That’s not fair to ask you.”

“You didn’t ask.” Briggs finally let go of me, but even without his touch, I knew he had my back.

“You think it’ll be okay?”

“Course it will.” Briggs’s smile was broad and bright. Confident. “Promise.”

I should be the one to tell everyone. But I’d already told Briggs, and it had taken every ounce of strength in me to say it the first time. Now that he knew, it should be easier, but the thought of telling everyone all at once, all their eyes on me, staring, questioning, made my stomach turn.

And the thought of having to come out to them individually was equally draining.

“As long as you’re sure you don’t mind.”

Briggs got to his feet and rubbed his hands together. “Sit tight.”

He disappeared in search of everyone else. I’d been hiding in a corner for the past couple of hours, and the guys must have suspected something because no one had come near me. No one but Briggs.

Jonas was the first one through the door. He sat down in the chair Briggs had vacated and bumped his shoulder against mine.

“You’re still gonna cook for us and shit, right? You’re not going to hide away and only cook for the boyfriend now or anything, are you?”

I looked at Jonas and he looked back at me, blinking with his owlish eyes.

“That’s what you care about?”

His smile faltered a bit. “What else would I care about, Dorsey?”

I was too stunned to speak. Of all the scenarios I’d imagined when I thought about people finding out about me, I never imagined acceptance. Begrudging tolerance was as close to a positive reaction as I’d been able to picture.

Jonas threw an arm around me in a side hug and squeezed me tight, the way Briggs had done. “You big dork. We’re happy for you. You’ve seemed different lately. Lighter. Happier. I take it we have Oren to thank for this.”

I managed a nod.

“How is he?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t heard from him since he left the office yesterday.”

Jonas looked at me incredulously. “Why are you still here then? Go check on him. Our shift is basically done anyway, and Cap is here. I’ll tell him you had an emergency. Heck, we could hop in the rig and light it up, get you there faster if you’re worried.”

His concern made me feel a little better. “That would be a gross misuse of our position.”

“I like to think of it as a training run.”

Getting to my feet, I glanced at the time. There was still an hour left in my shift, but Jonas shoved me toward the lockers anyway. “Get. Morris is already here because he fucking loves us so much. We won’t be short if you take off.”

Jonas tailed me to the lockers, probably to make sure I was actually going to go.

Briggs must have done his job because I felt everyone’s eyes on me, but not in a bad way. I didn’t blame them for being curious. I’d worked with them for years. Trained with them every week. I cooked for them and drank with them, and never once had I mentioned that I was gay.

Wells gave me a nod. “That’s quite the secret you kept, Dorsey.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, so I opted for nothing. Wells took it as an invitation to continue.

“If anyone fucks with you, you let me know, okay.”

His show of support gave me a lump in my throat. Giving him a nod, I turned to my locker and pulled it open. Leaving before the end of my shift went against everything I’d ever done, but I needed to see Oren.

I grabbed my wallet from the top shelf and stuffed it in my back pocket.

Morris came past me and clapped me on the back.

Then Wells. And some of the other guys. It was more than I’d hoped to get, but not less than I needed.

I had two more people to tell, and then…

I didn’t know what came next, but I knew whatever it was, I wanted Oren by my side.

I drove straight to his building. An occupant saw my firefighter shirt and let me in as they slipped out to head to work. I took the stairs to Oren’s floor. Elevators didn’t generally bother me, but I didn’t want to tempt fate. I was too eager to see him. To make sure he was okay.

I knocked. I don’t know what I expected, but I was met with silence. After a minute or so, I knocked again, but louder. I pressed my ear against the door and listened for any sounds inside.

I gave it another few minutes in case he was in the shower or something, and then I knocked a third time. Impatience had me bouncing my weight from foot to foot.

“Come on, Oren. Open the door.” I said as I knocked a fourth time. “Don’t make me get someone with keys here.”

The doorknob rattled, and then it opened.

“Will?” Oren was pale as a ghost still. His features were pinched in pain.

“Oren, what’s wrong?”

“Migraine.” He turned and walked back into his apartment, leaving me to follow him. I slipped inside, toed out of my shoes, and shut the door. I found Oren in his bedroom. The blinds were shut tight, keeping the light out.

“How long have you been like this?” Keeping my voice low, I approached the bed. I didn’t want to sit in case the movement made his head hurt worse.

“Since Hal took me home.”

“Why didn’t you call me? I’ve been blowing up your phone.”

“Sorry.” Oren burrowed under the covers.

“No, it’s fine. Just tell me what I can do to help.”

In the dim light I saw Oren open his eyes and look up at me. His smile was faint, but present.

“You’re already helping.”