Page 18 of Up In Flames

Oren

I t wasn’t like Will to give me the silent treatment. But he’d gone quiet after I texted him that I’d told Hal about my sudden sexual awakening. I’d also told my therapist, but that didn’t count. I was supposed to tell her everything important.

Clearly, I’d fucked up somehow because it had been two days, and Will was barely talking to me. I hated to think of what happened between us as a mistake, but there was suddenly a hole in my life where Will used to be.

It was the weekend, and I was lying near my phone like a love-sick teenager, waiting for it to ring.

Disgusted with myself, I called Liam. No matter how busy he was, he always had time for me.

“What’s up, asshole?” Liam answered, his usual cheerful voice a balm to my broken heart.

“Nothing much. Just thought I’d check in. See how you’re doing.”

A strange silence filled the void between us. “What’s wrong?”

Wiping a hand down my face, I groaned. “Sometimes I fucking hate you.”

“You don’t, or you wouldn’t have called. Now spill.”

“Are you sure you have time for my bullshit?”

“I always have time for your bullshit. What kind of bullshit is it this time? More guilt? Because you’re supposed to be in therapy for that.”

“I am. I used to go a couple times a month for your information. Now it’s just once a month, and she thinks soon I’ll graduate to emergency sessions only. Not that I plan on having any of those.”

“No one plans on having an emergency. If they were scheduled, they’d be less…emergent? Urgent? Whatever. You’re getting me off topic.”

Liam waited for me to take a few deep breaths and gather my thoughts. Why had I called him again?

“I think therapy has me too used to spilling my guts to people,” I said morosely, remembering that the one person I most wanted to talk to wasn’t speaking to me for some reason.

“That’s not a bad thing, Oren. You just think it is because you’re too used to being the buttoned-up soon-to-be-lawyer.”

“Yes. Well, now I’m the unbuttoned, messy as hell, practicing lawyer.”

“What’s got you unbuttoned?”

“It’s not what . It’s who .”

“Oh?” I heard the sudden interest in Liam’s voice. He thought everyone should be as happily married as him and his shiny new wife. I didn’t want a shiny new wife, but I wouldn’t mind a hot firefighter with a killer smile.

“I think I’ve been ghosted, though.”

“You think you’ve been ghosted?”

“I think I messed up. We were friends, and I made a move, and then things happened, and things were good, but now they’re not.”

“Oren, I love you, but if you don’t stop being vague, I can’t help you.”

I took a deep breath. I’d already come out to Hal and nothing bad happened. Liam was my oldest friend, but the words were still hard to get past my teeth.

“We were at my place the other night, and I made a move, and at first it didn’t go well, but then it went really well.”

“Okay, so do you think she has regrets?”

The opportunity jumped out at me, and I took it.

“He. It’s… um… I’m bisexual. Probably. It’s new.”

Liam didn’t miss a beat. He didn’t stop to fawn about my new discovery of self. He got on with the show, which was what I loved about him.

“Okay, so he has regrets?”

“He didn’t at first. I don’t think.”

“So ask him.”

“He’s barely talking to me.” My voice came out whiny and petulant and, for added dramatics, I flopped down onto my bed and stared at the ceiling. I put Liam on speakerphone and set the phone on my chest.

“So make him talk to you.”

“I can’t make someone talk to me, Liam.”

“Oren, for such a smart man, you sure are a dumbass sometimes. I don’t mean like kidnap him, tie him to a chair, and waterboard him until he tells you all his secrets.

But if he won’t answer your texts, show up in person.

Show him that he’s important enough that you’re willing to go out of your way to check in. ”

“And if he still won’t talk to me?”

“Then he’s not worth it.”

His words were a dagger in my chest. Will was worth it. He was worth so much more than I could ever offer him.

“He’s worth it.”

“Then if he won’t talk to you, you talk to him. I don’t know who this guy is, but he has to be pretty great if you’re all upside down over him.”

I couldn’t argue with Liam’s assessment.

Will did have me upside down and inside out.

Ever since I’d kissed him, or he’d kissed me—since we kissed—I’d been unable to think about anything else.

Even before that, my every waking thought had been filled with Will.

I couldn’t walk through a supermarket without thinking about him.

Or scroll social media without seeing a meme to send him to make him smile.

Or lay in bed… or shower… or jerk off without thinking about his mouth.

His hands. The way he smiled at me, soft and sweet and almost shy, like it was meant just for me.

“You think I should just show up at his place? And like pour my heart out or whatever.”

Liam chuckled, his rich voice filling the line.

I could almost see the way his eyes would crinkle when he laughed.

“Yes, Oren. I think you should go to him and tell him all the shit you’re not telling me, that I probably don’t want to hear.

I think you should tell him that you’re fucking miserable because he’s blowing you off. ”

As bad as Will blowing me off made me feel, I somehow imagined that it made him feel worse. Will was a good guy. He tried hard to make everyone happy, and, for whatever reason, it was like he decided that he couldn’t make me happy, so he’d cut me off instead.

“I’m going to go.”

“That’s the spirit.”

“Say hello to the missus for me.”

“Will do. Give me an update when you have one.”

Liam ended the call, and I spent a couple more minutes staring at the ceiling before rolling off the bed. I took a cold shower to stem my urge to luxuriate under the spray and jerk off. I’d only think about Will, and that didn’t seem like a great idea at the moment.

I dressed in a pair of jeans that I’d been told I filled out nicely and a shirt that had shrunk in the wash.

If Will was going to kick me to the curb, I was going to show him what he’d be missing.

I almost added a belt to the outfit, but decided that if things went well, it would just be one more thing to fumble with.

Even after my somewhat successful trip around the farm with Hal, I wasn’t ready to brave the city streets. The traffic. The people. I did, however, call a cab instead of taking the bus. It was one step closer to preparing myself to get behind the wheel again.

Hal had been a great moral support, and he was right.

It was much easier to navigate the giant vehicle on the farm.

There was nothing but grass and cows and fence for miles.

I hadn’t even known a place like that existed so near the city.

When I told Hal as much, he laughed at me and said that it was easy to miss when your face was buried in law books.

The ride to Will’s place was short even though I’d told the driver I wasn’t in a hurry. Wiping my sweaty palms on my jeans, I snuck into the building as someone else was exiting. It wasn’t the most secure thing to do, but I guessed that I didn’t look very threatening.

I went down the hall and knocked on Will’s door. I listened for any sound inside, but after a few minutes, it was clear that no one was home. That left me two choices. Go home or wait here.

I sank down to the floor and leaned against Will’s door.

I knew he wasn’t working today, but that didn’t mean he just sat around at home all the time.

There was a lot to being a firefighter that wasn’t just about fighting fires.

Will had taken all kinds of extra training to help him on the job.

Water rescue. Highway rescue. Endurance drills. First aid training.

The number of things Will knew how to do was awe-inspiring. Leaning my head against his door, I closed my eyes and contemplated getting up off the floor and leaving before he discovered I’d been here.

But then we’d be back at square one. Square-less-than-one, actually. Because Will had never ghosted me like this before. Was he okay? Had something happened at work? My mind churned up a million grisly possibilities, each one worse than the last.

By the time I heard footsteps approaching, I was a nervous wreck. I glanced up to see Will standing at the end of the hallway. His keys in one hand, what was clearly a doggie bag from a restaurant in the other.

Had he been on a date? He looked… good. But he always looked good to me. My stomach clenched as I got to my feet. Moving out of the way so Will could unlock his door, I suddenly felt stupid for coming over and ambushing him like this. He clearly didn’t know what to say to me.

“Sorry for showing up like this.” Holy awkward, Batman. Blowing out a breath, I ran my hand through my hair, barely resisting the urge to give it a yank in frustration.

“It’s fine.” His key rattled in the lock.

“Is it? You don’t look happy to see me. And you’ve been ghosting me since—” I cut my sentence off. The middle of his hallway wasn’t the place to have this conversation.

Will’s gaze swam with regret.

I’d never been looked at like I was a mistake before, and up until now I wouldn’t have known what that facial expression even looked like. But it was on his face as clear as day.

We’d been a mistake. But be damned if I was going to leave without figuring out why the sudden change of heart.

“Can I come in?”

He nodded and I followed him inside. I left my shoes on and lingered by the door as I watched Will store his leftovers in the fridge. Then he turned and leaned against the counter. Silence, thick and heartbreaking.

“Haven’t heard from you lately. I tried not to take it personally, but it’s hard not to when you’re looking at me like I shit in your cereal.”

“Oren…”

I waved him off. Maybe I didn’t need an explanation after all. “I’m going to go.”

I turned, but Will was there suddenly, his hand on my wrist. Pain lanced through his voice. “Oren, wait, dammit.” His breath shook when he exhaled. “Please.”

Turning to face him took every ounce of strength I had, but leaving would have taken more. His touch soothed me even when it confused me. He didn’t want me to go, but he didn't want to talk to me. What was I supposed to do with that?

“Did you have a nice breakfast?” I asked instead.

“Not really, actually. Briggs has been on my ass because I’ve been fucking miserable lately.”

“Because of me?”

“Because of me.” Will pulled me closer. “I’m a mess, Oren. I don’t know which way is up.”

Will stepped closer. His free hand reached for me but stopped. I moved into the space, meeting him halfway, putting my face in his palm. My heart in his hand.

“Because of me?”

“Because of a lot of things.”

“You can’t ignore me, Will. You can yell at me or write me ten-page text messages. You can do anything but ignore me.”

I ached to kiss him, but I didn’t know if he wanted that anymore. Or me. Or anything to do with me. He told me not to leave, but he hadn’t told me why I should stay.

The corner of his mouth quirked up. “No, I can’t ignore you.”

The breath whooshed out of me as he pushed me up against the wall and kissed me hard on the mouth. Whatever I’d hoped to say vanished in a single heartbeat. I tangled myself up in him body and soul and kissed him like we’d been apart for two years rather than two days.